Youtube's Suicidal Beauty: Hitomi Mochizuki.

i kind of like to call them life-ending
thoughts rather than suicidal thoughts because that word in itself just feels so heavy um and a lot of people that i know have also struggled with life-ending thoughts at some point in their existence and at varying degrees of course like i'd rather die than go to work today or it's rooted in something much deeper than that and a lot of times when it is you know something much deeper that's causing the thought people feel so ashamed and feel so scared and so like they're wrong and gross and and bad for having these thoughts when in reality they're just a result of some experience and that's how your body and mind is needing to cope in the moment i had been seeing a therapist for about three weeks when she recommended to my mother that she take me straight to the hospital because she didn't think that i would be safe and she thought that i would hurt myself if i wasn't under supervision if i was if i was alone and she was absolutely right i was not um in a stable state of mind i was cutting myself a lot at that point there was not one portion of my wrist that wasn't covered in scars or blood or cuts it was just really intense and i had definitely been making plans in my head of killing myself and how i would do it and that's when it gets really serious when you've started plotting out your death that's when they really take it very seriously and try to get you help because then the only next step is to pursue those plans and this is kind of where i hit rock bottom which one of my biggest pieces of advice is for everyone to hit rock bottom as soon as possible i met my ex-boyfriend who him and i met under a treat i was literally meditating in mccarran park we did really similar work and we're both in the wellness space and went to thailand bali and japan and i went on my first yoga teacher training during this time and falling in love with him was another one of those like kind of pitfall pitfalls on my journey so i started self-harming again which is something that i did in high school and middle school it was really intense i remember him being really confused about why it was happening and me just like crying a lot and overreacting about little situations and thinking he was mad at me all the time because i have never had like decent relationships with men so it was so confronting to have a man who was just so kind to me and just so open to hearing me talk and constantly holding space for me i was like i just i just literally don't know what to do like i don't can i feel safe like is this okay and i remember i went to his family's house for thanksgiving right before we flew out to thailand and but i drank that night and i felt so uncomfortable also because i was healing my relationship to my family i self-harmed really bad that night because i was drunk i got in the shower and it was not good and i just passed out kind of drunkenly and my wrist was bleeding and he came into the room and saw and he was just so terrified and i i'm like definitely tell someone if you are having life-ending thoughts now or if you feel out of control of the thoughts in your mind i have learned to accept them and talk about them openly and not be ashamed of them because i know that there was a part of me that was hurt and started resorting to life-ending thoughts as a way to cope because it made me feel momentarily safe like i could escape from them and i fully recognize that and i'm like okay i see why those are there but i'm not going to indulge those thoughts anymore i tried to end my life several times nearly like every single week i overdosed on xanax every single week i overdosed on xanax and when i finally realized i had to be real with myself was when i had tried to end my life one night it didn't work the next morning i didn't realize that i was opening the retail shop that i worked at and i got charged a 600 fine for not opening it and i was like [ __ ] like i'm now not only letting myself down but i'm letting other people down and i literally just tried to end my life and now i'm just gonna clock into work like nothing happened like i cannot keep living like this and it was from that point that i cancelled my student loans before they fully went through i dropped out of college i lived on my mom's floor she had just moved to la and didn't have any furniture i lived on the floor with her working at zara full time an argument by analogy if you've been watching my channel for some time you'll remember that i crossed swords with a video game champion named cheese why did i reach out to this guy and interact with him not because he's a video game champion but because he is a video game champion who had expressed ambivalence about the meaninglessness of his life he had reflected on camera on youtube and during live streams that he thought he was to some extent or in many ways really wasting his life and wasting his potential playing the same video game again and again again he saw my video he made a response and he dramatically closed his response by pondering aloud on what it would mean ultimately to lead a more meaningful life so he was somebody who had reached the point of questioning the meaninglessness of his own life but what did he in fact do he stopped playing one video game and he started playing another he had become famous enough and skilled enough at playing this one video game again and again and again it was one of the mario brothers video games that he was having tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands of viewers show up to watch him play he actually had an income he had some degree of money coming in from this habit and when he switched to another video game in another genre his audience disappeared now he has just 2 000 people showing up and i'm in a position to say from experience 2 000 viewers doesn't pay the bills right he switched from one meaningless life to another right if you have five 10 15 friends in life you will have known people who similarly come to the point of realizing they have to negate something that's wrong in their lives but they seem to lack the intelligence or the initiative to really think through what would be right in the strange career of hitomi mochizuki over six years now we have seen her in the same way struggling to negate all of the things wrong with her life she makes one dramatic video after another announcing that she's turned a corner that she's come to a profound new realization and looking back on how suicidal she was in the recent past right up until making this video but now everything was going to be different and you can go ahead two years and find another one of those same videos where she's reflecting on how suicidal she was how depressed she was but now she's come to this new realization so on and so forth it's very easy to justify running down any given corridor it's very easy to justify running off a bridge even to your doom if all you're thinking about is what it is you're running away from you're not thinking about what it is you're running toward to some extent i sympathize the problem is i only sympathize with hitomi mochizuki's struggle when it is in this way stated negatively when she's talking about her sorrow and her struggle to get away from it as soon as we switch to the positive frame of reference as soon as we talk about what she is doing what she does believe in what she is doing with like what she thinks a meaningful life might be what it is she thinks is better than focusing on fancy cars and fancy clothes it may be that for her it seems like a profound new insight when she reached that point of realization that owning fancy clothes would not make her happy sadly what she replaced owning fancy clothes with is just as terrible just as despicable or even worse in the same way that i look at a guy like cheese who reached the point of questioning why he was spending his life playing this one video game super mario over and over and over again but he ended up replacing it with another video game habit just as bad or in fact even worse there are just so many things that i think we all take for granted that make life so beautiful because all we're focusing on is clothes and cars and money and [ __ ] that doesn't [ __ ] matter so i'm sorry i'm cursing a lot lately when i'm passionate i curse but yeah i just i just want everyone to adopt this idea of oneness oneness with themselves with this earth with each other and i think that'll really help and comparison help and need and greed and everything like that just just find oneness with yourself hitomi mochizuki is preaching a form of religiosity that is bad and evil and wrong and it destroys people's lives i think all of you in the audience would think that she should be a target for criticism if she were a white man wearing a suit and tie i have a playlist of videos on this channel stop treating women like infants i think we really have a moral responsibility to criticize donald trump's daughter the same way we would criticize donald trump's son or donald trump himself these are all political figures they all need to be cross-examined this way i think the type of religious influence hitomi mojizuki has over her audience in the tens of thousands and indeed in the hundreds of thousands is really something dangerous bad and evil and wrong that deserves to be cross-examined and excoriated with all the same seriousness that we would apply to a conventional male religious leader and maybe more precisely because it is bundled up in this appealing secular and sexy package hitomi mochizuki sells an app where she will guide you through meditation sam harris sells an app where he will guide you through meditation hitomi mochizuki's preaching of meditation deserves to be criticized cross-examined excoriated with all the same seriousness that i myself have applied in past videos to the teaching of sam harris and yet if we're being honest if we had to choose between the two of them which one is more dangerous is it the form of watered-down hinduism for white people represented by sam harris or watered down hinduism for white people peddled by hideo suki i would say hitomi's version is much more dangerous and why precisely because she's offering people a way out of their suffering precisely because she is presenting it in this narrative form where she's talking about her own escape her running away from her own demons whether that be eating disorder suicidal thoughts her family struggles and it is wrapped up in this seemingly secular sexy package hitomi mojuzuki youtube's tragic beauty most of you clicked on this video thinking i was just going to call her dumb the problem is that what she's doing here on youtube is not just dumb it's dangerous i mean really people like to disrespect my crew but the fact is that you know my name and i don't know you