Being Loving vs. Being in Love: Self-Discipline in Relationships.

this is a video really about my approach
to relationships and Melissa women out relationship with right now is just off camera now why would anyone make a video talking about their approach to relationships I think it was really interesting for me to see how new and different and unexpected this aspect of my philosophy was for Melissa and it originates from a series of observations in my life that are both shallow and profound it's the kind of thing that doesn't get talked about a lot in academic philosophy ancient or modern you know so I think it is really worth talking about here and I can very clearly remember the stages of my covering this realization and how I started living and acting this way in relationships and it doesn't just have implications for my love life for my sex life it has implications for my scholarly and intellectual life and even like working out of the gym it has a lot of implication my life and the fundamental point is this is to stop thinking of the world in terms of the difference between the mask and the face things as they truly are their essence as their identity and what we merely do with them what we merely do in real life that what you are is what you do and that it's actually somewhat meaningless and even insane to think of yourself as being something quite different from what you're you're doing so when I started this relation with Melissa this got talked out in the following down-to-earth ways know you know you love me I know you love me and you know that I love you but being loving is something you do every day all the time a hundred thousand times a day or that you don't do that you fail to do and if you fail to do it then there's a very real sense in which you don't love me because I don't have this category of being like of secret and concealed being as separate from what's what's real here and now so there's no distinction here between the mask and the face now a lot of couples a lot once they make this commitment to I love you I'm in love with you and you love me that really almost becomes a pretext to be abusive and take the person for granted because the only AI we already established that I love you so the seduction phase the relationship is over and now there's no emphasis placed on being loving which they may think of as as being seductive right now I'm gonna jump around here to a few other less sexy examples I remember reading a kind of memoir from a Buddhist monk I'm choosing not to name him I do remember the title of the book and so on and he talked about the importance of respecting a statue of the Buddha every day and every time you walk past it now for me at the time this was just kind of mind-blowing and very alien because I was a I was a very secular nihilistic philosophical Buddhist like in terms of the ancient texts and Buddhism philosophy there's nothing about statues it's not supposed to be a religion about statues and musical instruments like bells then you go to a Buddhist monastery at the 21st century it seems like all that anyone is doing is ringing bells and worshiping statues you know this is not what they're supposed to be so here was this you know erudite monk saying no no when you live in your own little monastic cave or whatever you know set up the statue make sure there's only one statue and you'll see why in a second and every time you walk past the statute doesn't matter if you're on your way to the bathroom you're on the you're on your way to answer the telephone or something in reality put a smoke of telephones even if they live in a cave that every time you take the moment to make eye contact with the statue and bow to it the Chargers back because otherwise it was a really interesting perspective to me totally totally totally alien still in some ways I can't relate to it but in terms of this fundamental point that there's no distinction between doing and being you know what I mean it's like well what if you don't do this so what are you are you the kind of Buddhist monk who only boughs to the statute when there were other people around to perceive you are you the kind of Buddhist monk Oh only boughs to the statue on holidays why you here why in this Canyon what did you do this it's an interesting point where it's like well this this is merely symbolic but if you're not doing this all the time you know what are you who are you what are you what are you doing here in this cave and you're just some guy in the cave won't answer the phone right so I mean you know that there's a real sense in which we so we live in a small apartment in Victoria you know and like almost every time I walk past Melissa I kiss her and I asked her to stop and kiss me and it's it normally is she's on her way to the bathroom or she's on her way as the phone it's it's it's the meaningless drudgery of the day she's engaged in and I stop and I take that moment to kiss her on the face kiss on the cheek and you know whether or not I tell her I love her you know squeeze her hand and look in her eye and have that I can't have that moment whatever of being loving you know like all day every day yeah yeah yeah and I'm you know on I think I think of other people were watching they'd be really surprised and think it's 2 o-two or ridiculous in that but if you're not doing that we just be like coworkers most what you've seen the setup of the of the apartment she has a desk over here of a desk over there we have stacks of books we have things to work on but no you're not my coworker this is not an office you know every time you know any asana she's in a Russian you know you know what you know what's let's you know let's take the moment to kiss and hold hands whatever you know so again you know being loving it's not something separable from being in love or making this decision you know I love you now I mean again most I don't know if you want to jump in but I mean like I remember for you that was really jarring yeah well I said you know it's not enough that you love me or you're in love look I know that I know that but this isn't about knowing that this isn't about identity this isn't like a hat you put on or or a badge you sew on your jacket I mean it's not you know if you can't actually be loving as a practice if you don't get into the habit and rhythm of doing it all the time then it's yeah most of the relationships that I've seen have not operated right away including my own parents and that's the number one example that you have as a child your parents would not act in an overtly loving way like this with me you know have romantic gestures just so it's not like it was a totally relationship or something but I think it was really that kind of operation like you know I saw my mom making dinner and then my dad would work my dad would give her a kiss and a hug and then you would go watch TV or tinker on whatever thing he was doing and you become you become more like coworkers right yes raising three children what that becomes your job too and it's less about being loving toward your partner and also you know the relationship yep role okay that's I kind of feel let's talk for another video but you're right there is actually question of how I apply this in trying to be loving all the time towards my daughter the difference is then you also do have to discipline children you do have the video but I want to stay on topic here what you see is though but the when it really comes up is when there's a conflict between us because that's was something I had to talk through with you is like yeah yeah look I know you're having this conflict than me about what brand of toothpaste you want to buy whatever the example is but you because we do what we've had conflicts about some things are profound those are political or philosophical or something you want to talk about but most of the time it's something like you want to buy the brand a toothpaste it can be something relatively trivial or meaningless of that and it's like look you gotta learn to do this you've got to practice right you have to know but the point is the point is not that I want to silence you well this is a real conflict even if it's just a two-bit there's something here you got to communicate to me but you've got to learn to do it in a loving way you've got to learn to be loved and you've got to practice being loving even in the middle of conflict but it's not that's not just one you know this is quite a the thing is if you're a scholar you're a scholar all the time all the time there is no skiing vacation for you when I was a scholar of Pali this ancient language I had it with me I had it on my person at the language and I didn't use a cell phone and use a portable computer I had pen and paper type resources and I would study it ant woke when there was a delay between meetings or something I'd be sitting on a plastic chair in a hallway in an office building in a Hong Kong to me I would study it on my way to the gym and at home in Spearman I would wake up early at 6 a.m. and study it before going to work that's being a scholar and you do it all the time or else that's not what you are and that's also why I had no problem speaking myself that way I didn't have an ego problem like well I'd like to study the South like to be a scholar of this but I don't have a PhD or something and within two years of living that way being being really commit of course I knew more than the people with PhDs most people pcs don't have that kind of discipline then I have a kind of engagement so I mean there are a lot of things like not everything is like that but the point is look if I'm loving you loving you is something I'm doing all the time it's at that level of kind of seriousness and commitment but the disadvantage is this brings with it higher expectations right but you're learning that now with Chinese and believe me though it's kind of a topic for separate video but I'm self-critical about this when I know what it's like to live that level of commitment by the same token I know what it's like to not be living commitment right if you want to learn Chinese if you want to work on Chinese you're working on it all the time so like one the ferry you're on the boat you know we commute by bus and boat we don't on a car you know did you bring your Chinese with you get out the books get out you know and whether it's verbally or listening on the either you're doing all the time or you're not right I mean Chinese really does require that level of engagement so all kinds of things in life that are like that now I think in this camp recently if you're really serious about being a musician maybe that's not a perfect comparison Boram you know are you are you playing are you studying music all the time there's some other there's another question this my relationship with my ex-wife was like this to a greater extent that I think most people would would guess now yeah it was different every woman in my life has been dramatically different from from all the rest jeopardize the struggles but you've heard this anecdote before or babe toward the end of my relationship with Mac's wife obviously whether I got was towards the end obviously that was less optimist was but toward the end not early in the beginning we'd already been together for years we went and checked into a hotel in Taiwan together her and I and you know as is often the case you had to kind of wait around and do nothing well the front desk I've got their act together they're a bunch of front desk that kind of standing around doing nothing watching us and we were just repeatedly holding hands and kissing and smiling at each other and we kind of walked over to the window and look out the window and you know had a little chitchat and walk back but we repeatedly as we moved around the room in this foyer a the check-in area this hotel we were kissing each other and holding hands as mom you know and making eye contact with each other you know my contact this kind of a giveaway you know it's like you know oh you just over there or cleaning the kitchen and I'm over here cleaning the floor and I'm looking at the floor and you're you know it tells you something I mean if we're just co-workers you know that's different and all of the hotel staff they all they all cake I mean it's not how many people time a three or four people the hotel staff who were there does it oh wow it's it's so great to see a young couple and love like you must have just gotten mayor and we're like no no no like you know we like we've been together for years and years just true it was it hit the chip and and they were surprised like oh well because it was a hotel you know their flights involved oh well you must have just been reunited after being separated - I know you know we've been living together in the same tiny apartment and I haven't had a job I think I forget one exactly this was I think I did have a job cooked up in a small room no I mean this is what it is so the idea of the idea of being in love or loving someone as a kind of existential commitment as a way of being as something separate from doing from the act of being loving I actually think is kind of dangerous and poisonous and in broad brushstrokes I think there's something really sick and destructive about thinking like I am and author would you write did you wake up at 6 a.m. and write today or like I am a poet did you wake up this morning and we're component if you're a poet you have it on you you're on the grind all the time it's in your pocket ready to go if you're a writer you're ready to write you're writing every day you're writing when you're on the bus or on the ferry you're writing breaks in between meetings during your day job I'm not saying you know the day job it's not about whether or not you have a PhD it's not a border you have a credential or a piece of paper to be a writer researcher scholar to study pally to study Chinese to love somebody it's whether you're doing it all the time so yeah that's my approach to to being in relationships and it's my approach to being my approach to being in a word is doing