On Feeling Stupid: Intellectual Competition and Compatibility in Relationships.

um so look you might remember this babe
I'm talking to my chrome Ellis off-camera in the livestream conversation I had with Weiner captain Weiner I'm the guy in the Weiner costume you know I said to him that a lot of us our sense of self-esteem is relative to our brothers and sisters and our own family I've known a few different women who feel ugly their whole lives you feel unattractive it's really actually about attractive not ugly they feel unattractive because they have say an older sister who's more attractive than them that's who they compare themselves to they come to a family they come from a family so some of those dynamics and I said in some ways being on the internet for some people for some personality types kind of opens up this endless series of brothers and sisters you you compete with you feel like you're in competition with I don't know somebody you idolized on Instagram or YouTube or something else now intellectually this really cuts both ways one of my ex-girlfriends who's gonna remain nameless she was much more intelligent than her own sister and she grew up in a family with just two girls just two daughters um she was definitely a lot more intelligent than her own mom - and your mom and she really felt she was extraordinarily bright and that she didn't have to work hard to know anything or I don't win an argument or cover she she was arrogant I mean arrogant is it's the kinda intellectual arrogance and then she fell in love with me which is not an overstatement and it was a really serious you know the long-term relationship and you know she feels stupid all the time she feels ignorant all the time she starts fights with me and disputes and debates and even if she thinks it's something she has some expertise in after she's talked to me for a couple of minutes she starts you know even if I'm just asking questions even if I'm not deploying using some Socratic method or something she starts to realize she doesn't know what she's talking about and I mean you know I used to say I say with her in that relationship I said you know it's really important to cultivate an appreciation for for being wrong when you discover that you're wrong that's when you know you're learnt you're learning something new and something else so interestingly there's a new there's a new podcast up or a new new video up from bite size vegan Emily and Emily talks about some that's quite close to nihilist philosophy she talks about the importance of maintaining a sense of doubt in a sense of uncertainty at all times even as you build up expertise like even though you've had the conversation about why I became vegan or why mediate or she even though you've had that a hundred times you've done a certain level of research and footnotes you've given again again that you maintain a kind of a kind of doubt I think the first philosopher to talk about that there's that there's a famous work called the Novum organum by Francis Bacon and part of his idea in maintaining your doubt even about things you know was that the most productive frame of mind is simultaneously playful and serious interesting interesting gods of Oz what's the best way to learn so melissa is doing some philosophy of Education right now but I think that's actually quite close to some ideas we have now in practical look why do teachers play games with students why do we ask people to get up and dance I mean it's interesting you're trying to get a state of engagement and you know I hesitate to say critical thinking but you're trying to get a state of mind that is both both playful and serious so when you I can remember kind of philosophizing about that a bit with my with my ex girlfriend whom I'm alluding to here um but it really ground her down she really found it denigrating she was really used to being right all the time you know weed her own family even in her circle of friends um the circle of friend she came through high school and university with and stayed in touch with to some extent she wasn't she wasn't super closer than that circle friends but I come where she tell me anecdotes about meeting up with them and you know they were smoking cigarettes and they threw their cigarette butts into the storm drain and she just went off on a rant about how you don't even realize you don't care that you know here that this those the storm ratings go directly into Lake Ontario they don't go through a sewage treatment you know you're directly polluting a lake and you know you're so fully ourselves with your left left-wing ideologies your theoretical commitment to environmentalism but you don't care enough to carry your your cigarette ashes and your cigarette butts and put them in a garbage can like you know she was that kind of character which you can already see what I like the butter I mean to me yes that is endearing you care enough to pitch a fit and throw a little you know throw a tantrum that way but I mean that was what she was used to being she was used to being the person who knew her stuff and the person who was always right and the person he was smarter than there was her own family and she started hanging with me and it really ground her down so now in this relationship you I'm okay so you see no my current girlfriend she watched like over a hundred videos of mine on YouTube before she met me real life probably more than five hundred you know so she already had a taste for the eyes Lazard monologue she e oh she enjoys listening to my ideas and my thoughts you know as I as I present them now before before you you mustn't that's not true of any of my other girlfriends anyone else who fell in love with me it was mostly based on appearance it was mostly based on some kind of evolved sense of compatibility or magnetism we have you know that thing that weird sense of attraction and compatibility which is not the same as appearance in my book but you know it based on that kind of thing and then only after they get to know me or start fall in love with me they find out that I can monologue for two hours straight on a long list an almost infinite list of topics and you know well but you you realize other women would not have first encountered me as a as a conversationalist and then encountered me as a man they fell in love with the man and then found out who I was intellectually and my you know what it's like to have cause there's me so melissa is extraordinary that way that she picked me first as a youtube personality and then fell in love with me as men but it is it's interesting note I mean there were some times when Melissa was just ground down by the eyes and was our experience so you know but none of these example but I think this example really is telling but this doesn't reveal anything anything too terribly personal we were once in a hotel room we're talking about rap music so you know it's not always such a serious discussion and you stated an opinion about Tupac so Tupac Shakur a rapper and I just said to you Oh what what song you think yeah but you look what what you haven't find yeah yeah yeah I was leaving I'm leaving out some of the exam not gonna tell the whole story it's just taste a lot but you you got totally demoralized you totally lost faith in your own argument and you set the own other values to forget it forget I said anything about do pocket for it so I didn't ignore this I really took the time to unpack it I lay down on the bed no come on let's talk like what score I can see you're really upset about this and I don't think you're upset about Tupac I don't think you're upset about the particular issue in in rap music and the point was again that's why I'm leaving out details the details of who said what about rappers in the matter but the point was I mean you were just tired of being wrong you were tired that no matter what the topic conversation was even we're gonna talk about rap music I would have greater depth of knowledge and more accurate memory and then I you know I think again you gotta realize these conversation up playing to win it's not a debate it's not about you know one person trumping another or what have you you know now sorry the other thing there's a truer words in every word spoken the ex-girlfriend I alluded to whom I said so many times you should learn to be delighted by discovering that you're wrong when you find that you're wrong then you really know you're you're learning something she would say back she said yeah but that's what your view is you're knocking off atop for you that's true because you're only wrong once in a while so for you it's special for you it's excited you're happy to find that your no I don't I don't think that's true I think it is a cultivated frame of mind but you can see she was she was worn down by this you know and look I mean what a mode to say could be true of a gay relationship could be true of two men who are together or something but I mean you know we work out of the gym I lift more weight than Melissa I'm always going unless I'm horribly disabled in a car accident or something you know if I you know whatever but you know with you know ceteris paribus Keter asparagus whichever pronunciation you want here uh all things being equal I'm always gonna lift more weight than you you know there's this sense where when you say this if you're working in tandem if you're rowing the boat together where one of you is always you know pulling more pulling more water pulling more weight than the other all right so look what I'm gonna say what I think the positive way out of this is and then I know you can you can say what you think it is maybe maybe we haven't found it yet I'm mad I think it still is I think it's still attention the right ship went basically when you get tired I think when you're well rested and alert you have no problem with this you're basically happy to be with someone she does say to me also all the time it comes of all time Melissa grew up in a context with the people around her we're just talking about football and baseball and you know we're the level and caliber of conversation I think that was even true in university you weren't surrounded by growing intellectuals at university you were pushing on stuff she does really appreciate being in the company of at least one person all the time who's really talking about interesting and substantive things and talking with him way that shows that he cares but it's it's not some abstract debating Club for me I really care about these issues I break down weeping talking about politics you're pretty often I mean I don't wanna I could keep a calendar then when we talk about you know massacres and Wars and stuff from history I get I get emotional I get choked up talking I don't we for half a second but you know I get choked up talking with I appreciate the challenge right okay so I think okay that's I'm gonna do guys I think the challenge is a separate but related issue right cuz like okay so one part of the challenge I think this is what ground down my my ex-girlfriend one part of the challenge is how do you know what you think you know what you already are certain of right and it may be that it's something you read about or a teacher said to you in high school and you never really questioned it might be something you picked up from television without questioning it might be something your parents always told you you know but whether it's historical political knowledge or or something else you know know you you I have a youtube video what's up from ages ago where I stated my position on abortion you know and I remember she was just completely horrified in my position on abortion right so by the way I I you know I want to live in a tolerant society and I basically think you know on a practical level we absolutely have to allow people to make the decision to have abortions however I do not regard a fetus as equivalent to having your appendix removed or having your tonsils removed I do not regard it as an inner unliving or non-sentient piece of tissue I think there's this ridiculous discourse of trying to pretend it's just like any other surgeon ism I was she was completely you know horrified and furious at me you know over that because she came from a kind of a guy might have been earlier than high school she adopted a kind of dogmatic feminist position that getting an abortion sure her position was that getting an abortion was no differ from clipping your fingernails cutting your hair this was like unliving tissue on the body being slough off now anyone who's actually been through having an abortion themselves I don't think anyone okay alright takes all sorts some you I it would be extraordinary for someone to actually go through the experience and and feel that way about or just look at the reality of what a fetus is at three months or something you know and and to come to that conclusion but nevertheless so one form of challenge is challenging you about things you already know and then the other form of challenge is making you aware of things you don't know you never even considered learning and saying well you got two months in the next two months how much do you know about this so me Melissa had probably never given any thought well the history and politics of China I mean it's just I don't think it ever occurred to you to study the history of all things China and they'll step by step over here and a half China's more and more of a part of your life and a lot of things about that are just fascinating it's like well you know um you know and it was quite a dramatic you know discussion we had where I really said to you look in the next couple of months you know if you're gonna learn one thing to put you on a footing the rest your life I think starting with the ancient Greeks doing Aristotle Socrates so again that's like nobody in your life none of her parents none of her professors none of her boyfriends or brothers it's true of her brothers like seven years old her you know nobody's ever said to you hey look for who you are - I'm a this isn't this isn't advice for everyone the world specifically who you are in your interests ethically politically and so on you should really start one zero so those are two types of challenge and the never never go away right I think that's the mark of a good relationship I think of being a good boyfriend or good partner and I you know I think it's part of a good girlfriend to that you're challenged in both those ways how do you know what you really know and again linking back to my earlier video on this someone doesn't have to be that intellectual well-versed especially on one by the point one or point two to really be saying to you okay like I understand you're telling me this but you know how do you know that where's that just to be asking questions probing into how did those assumptions get formed where does this come from you know where does your certainty on this come from it would be better if you had somebody who is challenging you intellectually and there aren't very many topics about which I can challenge you to intellectual and I remember you telling me what I expressed that at some point in the past you said not even your professors have me did you feel like yes yes we're actually when you were in one of their classes so I just so that you mean that's the kind of thing I don't say of myself on YouTube people complain already that on my YouTube channel I'm boasting but yes very very often in in the vast majority of cases I'm in a situation where I know more than the professor about the topic of the particular class I'm not making a universal statement I know more about everything but I'm not going to get into a big you're gonna have to use your imagination that the particular classes I'm taking on the particular yes and that was one of the reasons I wanted to go more into language in a language class I'm not gonna no more than the language teacher but in these other areas yeah that is true and you're right the professors are not in a position to challenge me yep [Music] Melissa knows music I don't know music I've never driven a car in my life she may well teach me to have a car there are some other there are some other things yeah and no no no no I mean it brings up another interesting digression the same guy Daniel wrote back to me asking about loneliness and you talk about loneliness that way also for me now at age 40 I'm not lonely that way I'm really equipped to ask and answer you know these these questions and myself and I'm you know you could sir I don't have a big bookshelf off camera but you know you can even see that on the bookshelf in terms of how I'm challenging myself and the challenge is partly you just in filling in gaps of my own knowledge than I'm aware of and it's partly creative swimming like my current engagement with Socrates is ultimately about reading writing original stories my current engagement with Chinese I want to write more children's stories in Chinese I want to write more propaganda and Chinese I want to read politics and Chinese so you know after you get over a certain point but for me at least as an autodidact I don't really need that um but look that could be a whole separate video uh something nice to say back in the University of Toronto there's a difference between being lonely and being alone and my situation at University of Toronto my situation at University of Victoria you must chew at Cambridge University England I was not lonely I was alone you know and yeah as you know a whole different operative IDEO but this is one of the things I like about Chinese culture is at least you can kind of have colleagues and so on and in white right so she's seeing this already in her the difference between how you relate to Chinese people and white people University right now but also I find Chinese people do not have the thing most white people have I like to say it's who do you think you are don't you know who I think I am where they feel stupid because I'm smart they don't want to feel judged they don't want to feel stupid they don't want to Tarzan is better right what and Melissa is right now in a university class we'll just call it that where you are more knowledgeable and experienced instead advanced and have more acumen than the other students in that class and you know I think in many cultures not white english-speaking Western culture but in many cultures look oh this person is strong they can help me to be strong this person is smart they can help me to be smart this person is why is the hungry wise and in white Western Englishman culture it's like no no no insulate yourself again separate yourself from anyone who's superior to you so you can you don't feel challenged you don't feel yeah so I think that's a big difference right right right right right right right right right she compared herself to you and you know in the same way I do that as well and we spend so much time together that I think I kind of in my mind think that I am less intelligent that I'm not really an intelligent person at all because it's been so much time with you but when I'm in another context in this class and I'm like wow I mean I also don't want to boast but you see yourself a different yeah you also have more experience in knowledge in this particular field yeah to some other people Evans yeah okay so look this is my my approach to solving this problem and maybe it doesn't work all right so look guys I mean really briefly if you think my ex-wife is an exception to this my ex-wife had a PhD you would be wrong I mean you know I could do a whole separate video typos my relation with her but in my earlier video I just said these issues have come up again and again and again for each and every girlfriend I've had so including my ex-wife the PhD but including even my ex-girlfriend who was Lotion she was from Laos grew up and Laos in a totally different culture totally different educational background but she was really used to being the smartest person in the room you know most of time they were in Laos she was she was an extraordinary person in in various ways but I also have an extraordinary person in various ways so it was a real big change her to be in the room with me instead of the other schlemiel she dated before and after me anyway shout out to her good good luck to her it's right now um but look that this is my my proposed solution I try to take the question of learning and the even the question of knowledge can put it that broadly out of the quantitative category and put it in the kind of creative category now what I mean by this is if you paint a picture if you and your husband both paint a picture if you and your wife you as a couple both minute picture um the point is not in a quantitative sense who has the best picture who has the biggest picture who was the most detail or something right there's some sense in which I mean you wouldn't be painting at all if you didn't think there's some value in me painting this picture and it being mine right now Melissa your study of Aristotle I'm just gonna simplify she's read a whole bunch to ancient Greeks lately I think it is true like quantitatively your study is not as good as mine if you think about it that way think what is it as a company but that's not the point right the point is your interpretation of the politics of Aristotle or the politics of Athens a little bit more really your is yours it's your creative challenge it's your creative experience and in a very real sense you know we create out of ignorance and Melissa does raise different questions about you know ancient Greece Athens origins of democracy political philosophy of aerosol she raises different questions than I would age be telling slither she raises different questions that I would raise partly because I have more background and what-have-you and of course I'm dealing with the stuff in a bit more of a nuanced analytical way because of who I am it and what I bring to it but to try to get both parties to realize this is something valuable for you because it's yours and it reflects your knowledge and your ignorance and your progress and I don't think that's true of everything I mean some tasks or some forms of learning are so meaningless that that's not your okay getting a driver's license maybe look no look just know just objectively quantitatively you've got to be able to drive good and that's it you know some checkmark you got to reach there's some standard you're trying to live up to and you know there's there's no role for creativity but in these more more meaningful things too in that sense personalize it and view it more qualitatively and creatively as part of who you are and if part of who you're becoming because all of these experiences change you melissa has made a lot of progress in a year and a half I think you are I think you are a different person with a deeper appreciation for life I can put it that simply and you know broadening just your awareness of the history of planet Earth to include China the semi continent of China like whoa you know and you know even sorry Minnie had been to Europe before she met me but the difference you meet someone who's only kind of walked the streets of Detroit I'm really getting some depth of experience an adult and as an adult in Europe and so on you know there were changes that come there too so that's it guys that's my modest proposal and you know I think many of you watching this video we saw it in the comments in response last video if you think this is a problem keep in mind that it's a wonderful problem to have because we had so many people writing in saying they've never dated anyone who read books about politics mister they never did it anyone who cared about anything more than designer clothes or some shallow terrible stuff that they wish they could find someone they had a connection with on these these deepers levels and it's a wonderful problem to have