Jealousy ⓹, the Philosophy of Sexual Rivalry.
13 December 2019 [link youtube]
This is the conclusion… the fifth and final part to the long-running series on jealousy!
Youtube Automatic Transcription
I had never really thought about in that
way that you know philosophy isn't just on the chalkboard it's I'm not saying I never thought about it I don't know but philosophy is not just on the chalkboard it's actually applying it when you into in your real life when you have these emotional reactions like what what can change the emotional reactions what is it what is the solution that I can know that to not feel jealousy talking to a friend the other day who said to me I've honest I'd honestly never thought about this she said you know when your sex life is going great it feels like it's only 5% your life and when your sex life is awful it feels like it's 95% your life she also imagines and I've really talking about this with you cerebrally but I don't get angry response like I don't get what she screaming me I'm not afraid I'm like you know but like one of the other things of sometimes the baby with you but this is that you also always imagine that these women feel as powerfully attracted to me as you felt when you first fall in love with me yeah wait wait no but like like like it's like way fewer than 1% of women find me this attractive like I I do not have delusions about that does look it doesn't matter if it's one in one in a thousand or one in 10,000 when I'm not that many like you know Melissa really is very naturally we're very compatible with a lot of chemistry and yeah I mean from the first time we met supera even before we met she was super attractive me and so on but like she really imagines or at least when she's in this state that all women feel that way about me you know what really wait right right right knowing look I've had to say to her sometimes like look I'm talking to this person and like whatever sums I show you screenshot switch off with like there's no indication that this person is attracted to me like there's no indication the conversations gonna go that way or like like Hadouken have you considered the possibility that this person just thinks I'm ugly or they're just like or is only interested in talking to me about whatever the topic is let if you can see the first book I remember you even had a jealous reaction you probably may not remember this so there was an older woman who was one of my co-workers in China right and I'm talking with the one who lived downstairs from us and who and early on she said to me in a folksy way so this is an older woman woman older than me not to mention with Melissa she said to me in a folksy way she was like well you know like if you weren't with Melissa I'd be trying to get into bed with you myself all right now you know I think I think she was I mean she was joking but I think she was genuinely interested she was genuinely indicating that she was attracted to me but you know like there are certain kinds of humor that married people 50 years old use and it's not really that big a deal it's not like a real threat coming at you you know but I remember I told you that even like you know and you you knew her and stuff you got you guys got along and you know I remember you had this real visceral jealous react I mean look baby that's the most reasonable but that's that's very different cuz that's someone you knew face to face whereas sometimes it's just a line of text on the internet or something or whatever it is right yeah so no good look you know I know you have a lot to say do you think it's more of a problem or less if it's someone I'm talking to you about like Plato Aristotle or like you know I'm gonna do more and more political content what civil war in Syria or something like I don't I do you think it's intellectual jealousy do you think is just about human beauty or what even I'm not jealous of your ex-wife you know yes she's a lot especially it's hard to be jealous yeah it's a pretty unenjoyable life she's put herself into yeah but no I mean and it's it just seems to be like about everything - just like maturity - like oh yeah like yeah I've been even more concerned because like I think that you must have so much more in common with them I like that they've had the experience that I haven't had and that's to me that's to me that's attractive the experience factor because you're with older men you're to me a vo it's true but yeah not everyone's into that right yeah and but of course it's a huge part of it is physical beauty yeah it's it's I don't know I mean it's it's so shallow and selfish and dumb because you know you see you know these are the kinds of philosophical questions I've dealt with since forever so like I can give an answer to any of these questions but if someone were to ask you look physical beauty is arbitrary and unequal and it's not like arithmetic ly unequal it's exponentially unequal if you know what I mean which is to say it's not like some one person is five percent more attractive than someone else like those two sisters one person is you know 10,000 times more drained infinitely more attractive than someone else even though they've got approximately the same DNA and but I miss you I remember I saw a model posing with her like four sisters so it's like a family with four or five sisters and you could see oh yeah that's the one who had a career in modeling and not even though they're they're you know they're genetically very similar like right out of these five sisters one of you had a shot at being a model like you know often there's that kind of inequality that's talking about commercialized beauty not you know not romantic Beauty really don't see anything yeah I'm just saying she can you can see those those kind of things all the time but what was if I were to ask you you know what is the solution and obviously we mean on a human personal level what is the solution for you and me or individual people in the audience what is the solution to the problem of this arbitrary and radical inequality yeah yeah well an example you could cut this out because this may just be too hot for you let's hear it [Music] okay okay so stop okay yeah we're gonna have to we're gonna have to cut so this is this is after the sensor portion okay but look let me let me ask you this so you're someone who basically has not watched pornography in your life it's not that you've seen it zero you are never someone do you think it would at this stage your life make your experience of jealousy worse or do you think it would be a kind of area of therapy meaning of working a working out of working through of these things you know to watch pornography and now I've got to put in a little philosophical KB here I said this to you I think this morning like I don't tell you you're the greatest musician in the world they don't tell you you're a super talented musician right but the because I don't believe it like I think right yeah okay you can you know what I mean you're a musician I'm not gonna tell you you're the most brilliant bug gifted musician well that's not my okay um and we could do songs together great but you know I'm not gonna lie to you like that but the thing is when you watch any kind of mainstream media like even TV shows they just have music in the background or hit records on the radio you're always being exposed to the minority of people who are extraordinarily talented musicians or extraordinarily well producing compose music right yeah I mean in the same way you exposure to models and advertising and mainstream media and pornography it's right your CEO is a most beautiful people and the men with the biggest penises in the whole world and this kind of thing it's not representative right and of course the the the funny thing I mean I think almost everyone would agree listed not everyone would but a lot of people would the thing is also because of the internet you can watch pornography of normal people you can watch like real grody amateur pornography and most people find it disgusting and disturbing because exactly what they want is the the aesthetic quality of professional filmmaking that in many ways begins with professional casting with selecting the people and and having all their body hair removed and all these things and the lighting but yeah ultimately above all else the size and the shape of the the performers male and female but like would that you know I mean like it's it's kind of we're so like given that almost by definition if you're watching pornography or watching people more attractive than yourself yeah unless you really choose not to which is an option like you know is that gonna make you know jealousy better or worse I don't know and I think you know I was really thinking about it analytically last night after we stopped recording because you I had never really thought about in that way that you know philosophy isn't just on the chalkboard it's I'm not saying I never thought about it I don't know but philosophy is not just on the chalkboard it's actually applying it when you need to in your real life when you have these emotional reactions like what what can change the emotional reactions what is it what is the solution that I can know that to not feel jealousy or not have this feeling and I so like I'm desperate you know like I'm desperate because I it's been such a shitty thing in my life it's what you know it's like it's shameful and the end the emotional breakdowns are still really extreme they're really extreme and they're kind of meaningless too because like there were there are issues we deal with in the relationship where it's like well look like there is something meaningful here like there's something you know there's something significant here I can see you're you're dealing with there's something to learn from it you know the process but when you have these kinds of breakdowns most of the time there's really you know look at the end of it so what did we just spend so many hours talking about like you know in one case it was like literally like someone sent a comment on Twitter like saying they'd like to sleep with me like you know obviously I didn't control this you know and again you and there was no photograph of what she looked like there was nothing right and you know obviously she could be joking but in in that case I think a probably wasn't seer which is okay but like yeah what do you what do you want one person out of a thousand be attractive or something because I've not diluted like it's whatever whether it's one in a thousand one in 10,000 and made a comment on Twitter saying you know they'd be interested yeah and again like this one female co-worker who's married with kids and is like about 50 you know like whatever like you know I mean you know it is it is what it is but um is tragic in that you can't really help how you feel about somebody and I'd rather you be honest with me if you are sexually attracted to somebody and it if it is relevant to of course but yeah tell me everything I don't know it's only in these circumstances you know because of our relationship status you know like well only because yeah so that I never thought of him starting to a friend the other day who said to me I've honest I honestly never thought about this she said you know when your sex life is going great it feels like it's only 5% your life and when your sex life is awful it feels like it's 95% your life and that's the reason I never thought of that is because when my sex life is going great I'm spending a lot of hours having sex right like you know I mean so I actually if the but it's true about perception and feeling right because it's true like we have period of time where we're having enormous quantities of sex but still I can say like from my perspective like this isn't really important in my life but what I'm worried about is philosophy and politics and education and career this is this is the stuff I'm worried about thinking about even if like literally you like well you know I don't watch normal TV I don't play video games like sex is my only hobby mean like words so that I just said I thought that was a really interesting thing in framing it also yeah I feel the same way even though I know it's not I know I haven't had enough like action to show that like I do care about yeah all the same things like I of course like I do I do want but I like I have these problems but no like I really I don't know so look I'll just receive the question is I don't have the virtues that I said you put you know I do actually want to learn more I'm always like like in our relationship at least like I've always been wanting that time where I'm like totally into studying like totally into getting work done and I felt like for like a couple months there like I was I was really reading philosophy but okay look was this brings me back to actually what I was driving before so like I said to you I already have an answer for this but I'm asking you like what is the solution if you ask okay like what is the solution of the problem of beauty being arbitrary and this way right now part of my solution that I would propose like if I have a friend you know I've had friends who were really unattractive for various reasons like including like born conditions right yeah but if I'm talking to a friend like that or whatever like you know and this has been implicit in a lot of my advice to you also is look you've got to become substantial in other ways like intellectually where you really have a sense of self confidence and Worth and meaning in your life your lead leading a meaningful life for these other reasons right so you know that could be many things it can't be anything I mean you know I don't believe it can be something like video games or skiing you know I don't think it'd be something totally self-indulgent but you know whether your interest it's not going to be politics for everyone it's not going to be philosophy for everyone you know whether it's you know but whatever it is where you've got to be devoted to some area I think ultimately of learning it's about learning you know whether or not you think of it as scholarly or something where you're building up expertise yeah and you're really leading a meaningful life in a way that's not about your appearance and I think you know that's kind of what most people say to hideously ugly people is like well look you know you're never gonna be a model you're never going to get away that gonna get ahead that way you're never gonna get as a model or an actor but you know you can really have a sense of self dignity and Worth and self esteem and then also when you're leading that kind of meaningful life you're probably gonna meet other people who also find those things meaningful and maybe some of them are gonna want to sleep with you you know I mean so I just say on a really broad level you know that's how I tend to approach the topic so what's interesting is in this case it's within a relationship you know you're you're getting laid it's not it's not that you're an insult or something it's not that you're your sex life is lacking but a lot of my approach has been like look you've got to build up some sense of self confidence and depth and substance and expertise and self-worth that's not based on how pretty you are because it seems to me you're so rattled by just the presence of other beautiful women around me or talking to me or whatever you know beaten I'm guessing to some extent it's because you like that but-but-but-but I look I think I'm wrong like one of the things I've got to say is I don't even think that diagnosis is correct in your case I think it's probably good advice for a lot of people watching this I don't think it's true in your case I don't think that solution works and I don't think that framing of the problem applies well the your case you've talked about the fact that some people who are beautiful their intellectual capacity has been stuff oh yes stifled you snuffed out it was looked upon and just the opportunities that brings them there that has not been the case for me like I know I was never thought of as beautiful and school but even so look there was a girl the very short version there was a girl fell in love with me in high school she was a year older than me so she started University and I was still in high school and she became a stripper and she dropped out of university to be a stripper right so in case you're not guessing I did not reciprocate her love I did not fall over there yeah my whole life would be different of a head right mm-hmm in a very real sense just the opportunity to make hundreds of dollars an hour I mean you know the amount of money she made as a stripper was vastly more than you know any job she could have gotten with nothing but a high school diploma not every young woman in her versity class faced that temptation of that option yeah right so I mean like I'm just saying obviously like you know I mean this is there were a million examples there are a million ways in which it it impacts your life but in her case you know and III do any were really well at that time it wasn't like she was in love with me from afar I knew the other factors and she was really in a cycle of kind of self-loathing and self-pity and you know just spoken a lot of cigarettes and you know and she was getting into stripping probably also what it did for ego was probably a big thing to give her a ton of money and suddenly every night she's around men telling her she's so beautiful and stuff you know and and whatever work you I don't know if she was 19 or what you know like you know okay well not everyone you know you've not ever deals with that you know well what you said thinking about other people's lives in a sympathetic way really not saying their lives are easier I do I did have friends who were corrupted because they were very beautiful and I agree with what you what you're saying on that front I it was something I said out of I don't know rage and feeling like injustice that you know pretty people have their lives right well it's not necessarily true because I just want to say you know emphasized that my life has not been about being beautiful in any way like in I had one name well like I didn't have a boyfriend all throughout high school and I knew many many girls who were and we're spending their time thinking about you know relationships with boys and that that did have a corrupting influence on how they what they when they went to college what they went to university for if they got further degree yes of course it has a huge impact on your life has a huge impact on the course the trajectory of what you do absolutely and I just I I don't know why I don't think about in that way and I think I really should try to like think of the individual and think of you know what I guess I guess the number one thing like like I think your advice is good for for people that are trying to find partner sir you know try to have their own confidence in their own intellectual capabilities and I think it's good advice for me - of course well it's not gonna harm you but I don't think it solves this problem I think it solves this problem is in particular my feeling like I really think it's just insecurity about like you have you I have no reason like logically to think this because you've you've put so much time into our relationship you've you've really been doting like you talk to me through talking me through with so many things and we're moving we've moved together and we're moving again together you know your life has really like our lives have revolves around each other the past two years so yeah I have no reason to think that you're going to leave me well I mean okay I sort of do recently because it's been so bad yeah now I really know I like at the start of the relationship I felt this way at the start of this relationship I was worried that you were going to find someone more beautiful than me someone with larger breasts I'm just being honest like that is a huge factor because there was born with small breasts it's totally shallow and I know even some people find it more attractive it's like I realize that there are adventures advantages are numerous what disadvantages are also numerous well I just mentioned all these things they're kind of bottomless there's always someone with bigger breasts than you there's always some with a bigger penis than you there's always someone with more money than you you know all those things yes someone with more background that relates to your background yes somebody's compatibility or something I'm wearing right and somebody smarter than you yeah sure so you start of the relationship you know I had no reason to think you know because of the problems that we've had you were going to leave me but now I really do have reason to believe that in it even I wasn't expecting you know cuz I felt like I had been working like I felt like I've been improving was with jealousy you know I really thought I had but then like because we've been having so many relationship difficulties I was like well this is the time if you were going to leave me it would be now because you know you're basically on the cusp of leaving me so like if somebody more beautiful more studies Chinese like has been to vows has been to you know China yeah hell yeah you're gonna jump off and get on somebody else's ship not mine because why you want to come down with me it's burning the ship is burning with me right so go onto somebody else's [ __ ] what like that is really why it's the insecurity of you leaving me and me never finding somebody that I love as much you know what rationally that doesn't help my question is my question what you've just presented is really a clearly reasoned narrative you know what that that makes sense when I'm with you and you're freaking oh no no no no no no but my point is like that's what you're saying now reflecting on it I don't really believe that's what's going on with you when you have these freak oh look you know what you just presented a totally rational train of thought like well you know because I've pushed you to the break with breaking up with me already yeah because because therefore I feel this way but like you know I just say in terms of the the feeling and then the behavior that you know comes out of it that that doesn't seem to be what's actually going on so they're saying what what you've just said that could kind of be addressed and that could be fixed but I think that would not be you know I mean it wouldn't fix the problem we can even you see within the span of a shoe yeah [Music]
way that you know philosophy isn't just on the chalkboard it's I'm not saying I never thought about it I don't know but philosophy is not just on the chalkboard it's actually applying it when you into in your real life when you have these emotional reactions like what what can change the emotional reactions what is it what is the solution that I can know that to not feel jealousy talking to a friend the other day who said to me I've honest I'd honestly never thought about this she said you know when your sex life is going great it feels like it's only 5% your life and when your sex life is awful it feels like it's 95% your life she also imagines and I've really talking about this with you cerebrally but I don't get angry response like I don't get what she screaming me I'm not afraid I'm like you know but like one of the other things of sometimes the baby with you but this is that you also always imagine that these women feel as powerfully attracted to me as you felt when you first fall in love with me yeah wait wait no but like like like it's like way fewer than 1% of women find me this attractive like I I do not have delusions about that does look it doesn't matter if it's one in one in a thousand or one in 10,000 when I'm not that many like you know Melissa really is very naturally we're very compatible with a lot of chemistry and yeah I mean from the first time we met supera even before we met she was super attractive me and so on but like she really imagines or at least when she's in this state that all women feel that way about me you know what really wait right right right knowing look I've had to say to her sometimes like look I'm talking to this person and like whatever sums I show you screenshot switch off with like there's no indication that this person is attracted to me like there's no indication the conversations gonna go that way or like like Hadouken have you considered the possibility that this person just thinks I'm ugly or they're just like or is only interested in talking to me about whatever the topic is let if you can see the first book I remember you even had a jealous reaction you probably may not remember this so there was an older woman who was one of my co-workers in China right and I'm talking with the one who lived downstairs from us and who and early on she said to me in a folksy way so this is an older woman woman older than me not to mention with Melissa she said to me in a folksy way she was like well you know like if you weren't with Melissa I'd be trying to get into bed with you myself all right now you know I think I think she was I mean she was joking but I think she was genuinely interested she was genuinely indicating that she was attracted to me but you know like there are certain kinds of humor that married people 50 years old use and it's not really that big a deal it's not like a real threat coming at you you know but I remember I told you that even like you know and you you knew her and stuff you got you guys got along and you know I remember you had this real visceral jealous react I mean look baby that's the most reasonable but that's that's very different cuz that's someone you knew face to face whereas sometimes it's just a line of text on the internet or something or whatever it is right yeah so no good look you know I know you have a lot to say do you think it's more of a problem or less if it's someone I'm talking to you about like Plato Aristotle or like you know I'm gonna do more and more political content what civil war in Syria or something like I don't I do you think it's intellectual jealousy do you think is just about human beauty or what even I'm not jealous of your ex-wife you know yes she's a lot especially it's hard to be jealous yeah it's a pretty unenjoyable life she's put herself into yeah but no I mean and it's it just seems to be like about everything - just like maturity - like oh yeah like yeah I've been even more concerned because like I think that you must have so much more in common with them I like that they've had the experience that I haven't had and that's to me that's to me that's attractive the experience factor because you're with older men you're to me a vo it's true but yeah not everyone's into that right yeah and but of course it's a huge part of it is physical beauty yeah it's it's I don't know I mean it's it's so shallow and selfish and dumb because you know you see you know these are the kinds of philosophical questions I've dealt with since forever so like I can give an answer to any of these questions but if someone were to ask you look physical beauty is arbitrary and unequal and it's not like arithmetic ly unequal it's exponentially unequal if you know what I mean which is to say it's not like some one person is five percent more attractive than someone else like those two sisters one person is you know 10,000 times more drained infinitely more attractive than someone else even though they've got approximately the same DNA and but I miss you I remember I saw a model posing with her like four sisters so it's like a family with four or five sisters and you could see oh yeah that's the one who had a career in modeling and not even though they're they're you know they're genetically very similar like right out of these five sisters one of you had a shot at being a model like you know often there's that kind of inequality that's talking about commercialized beauty not you know not romantic Beauty really don't see anything yeah I'm just saying she can you can see those those kind of things all the time but what was if I were to ask you you know what is the solution and obviously we mean on a human personal level what is the solution for you and me or individual people in the audience what is the solution to the problem of this arbitrary and radical inequality yeah yeah well an example you could cut this out because this may just be too hot for you let's hear it [Music] okay okay so stop okay yeah we're gonna have to we're gonna have to cut so this is this is after the sensor portion okay but look let me let me ask you this so you're someone who basically has not watched pornography in your life it's not that you've seen it zero you are never someone do you think it would at this stage your life make your experience of jealousy worse or do you think it would be a kind of area of therapy meaning of working a working out of working through of these things you know to watch pornography and now I've got to put in a little philosophical KB here I said this to you I think this morning like I don't tell you you're the greatest musician in the world they don't tell you you're a super talented musician right but the because I don't believe it like I think right yeah okay you can you know what I mean you're a musician I'm not gonna tell you you're the most brilliant bug gifted musician well that's not my okay um and we could do songs together great but you know I'm not gonna lie to you like that but the thing is when you watch any kind of mainstream media like even TV shows they just have music in the background or hit records on the radio you're always being exposed to the minority of people who are extraordinarily talented musicians or extraordinarily well producing compose music right yeah I mean in the same way you exposure to models and advertising and mainstream media and pornography it's right your CEO is a most beautiful people and the men with the biggest penises in the whole world and this kind of thing it's not representative right and of course the the the funny thing I mean I think almost everyone would agree listed not everyone would but a lot of people would the thing is also because of the internet you can watch pornography of normal people you can watch like real grody amateur pornography and most people find it disgusting and disturbing because exactly what they want is the the aesthetic quality of professional filmmaking that in many ways begins with professional casting with selecting the people and and having all their body hair removed and all these things and the lighting but yeah ultimately above all else the size and the shape of the the performers male and female but like would that you know I mean like it's it's kind of we're so like given that almost by definition if you're watching pornography or watching people more attractive than yourself yeah unless you really choose not to which is an option like you know is that gonna make you know jealousy better or worse I don't know and I think you know I was really thinking about it analytically last night after we stopped recording because you I had never really thought about in that way that you know philosophy isn't just on the chalkboard it's I'm not saying I never thought about it I don't know but philosophy is not just on the chalkboard it's actually applying it when you need to in your real life when you have these emotional reactions like what what can change the emotional reactions what is it what is the solution that I can know that to not feel jealousy or not have this feeling and I so like I'm desperate you know like I'm desperate because I it's been such a shitty thing in my life it's what you know it's like it's shameful and the end the emotional breakdowns are still really extreme they're really extreme and they're kind of meaningless too because like there were there are issues we deal with in the relationship where it's like well look like there is something meaningful here like there's something you know there's something significant here I can see you're you're dealing with there's something to learn from it you know the process but when you have these kinds of breakdowns most of the time there's really you know look at the end of it so what did we just spend so many hours talking about like you know in one case it was like literally like someone sent a comment on Twitter like saying they'd like to sleep with me like you know obviously I didn't control this you know and again you and there was no photograph of what she looked like there was nothing right and you know obviously she could be joking but in in that case I think a probably wasn't seer which is okay but like yeah what do you what do you want one person out of a thousand be attractive or something because I've not diluted like it's whatever whether it's one in a thousand one in 10,000 and made a comment on Twitter saying you know they'd be interested yeah and again like this one female co-worker who's married with kids and is like about 50 you know like whatever like you know I mean you know it is it is what it is but um is tragic in that you can't really help how you feel about somebody and I'd rather you be honest with me if you are sexually attracted to somebody and it if it is relevant to of course but yeah tell me everything I don't know it's only in these circumstances you know because of our relationship status you know like well only because yeah so that I never thought of him starting to a friend the other day who said to me I've honest I honestly never thought about this she said you know when your sex life is going great it feels like it's only 5% your life and when your sex life is awful it feels like it's 95% your life and that's the reason I never thought of that is because when my sex life is going great I'm spending a lot of hours having sex right like you know I mean so I actually if the but it's true about perception and feeling right because it's true like we have period of time where we're having enormous quantities of sex but still I can say like from my perspective like this isn't really important in my life but what I'm worried about is philosophy and politics and education and career this is this is the stuff I'm worried about thinking about even if like literally you like well you know I don't watch normal TV I don't play video games like sex is my only hobby mean like words so that I just said I thought that was a really interesting thing in framing it also yeah I feel the same way even though I know it's not I know I haven't had enough like action to show that like I do care about yeah all the same things like I of course like I do I do want but I like I have these problems but no like I really I don't know so look I'll just receive the question is I don't have the virtues that I said you put you know I do actually want to learn more I'm always like like in our relationship at least like I've always been wanting that time where I'm like totally into studying like totally into getting work done and I felt like for like a couple months there like I was I was really reading philosophy but okay look was this brings me back to actually what I was driving before so like I said to you I already have an answer for this but I'm asking you like what is the solution if you ask okay like what is the solution of the problem of beauty being arbitrary and this way right now part of my solution that I would propose like if I have a friend you know I've had friends who were really unattractive for various reasons like including like born conditions right yeah but if I'm talking to a friend like that or whatever like you know and this has been implicit in a lot of my advice to you also is look you've got to become substantial in other ways like intellectually where you really have a sense of self confidence and Worth and meaning in your life your lead leading a meaningful life for these other reasons right so you know that could be many things it can't be anything I mean you know I don't believe it can be something like video games or skiing you know I don't think it'd be something totally self-indulgent but you know whether your interest it's not going to be politics for everyone it's not going to be philosophy for everyone you know whether it's you know but whatever it is where you've got to be devoted to some area I think ultimately of learning it's about learning you know whether or not you think of it as scholarly or something where you're building up expertise yeah and you're really leading a meaningful life in a way that's not about your appearance and I think you know that's kind of what most people say to hideously ugly people is like well look you know you're never gonna be a model you're never going to get away that gonna get ahead that way you're never gonna get as a model or an actor but you know you can really have a sense of self dignity and Worth and self esteem and then also when you're leading that kind of meaningful life you're probably gonna meet other people who also find those things meaningful and maybe some of them are gonna want to sleep with you you know I mean so I just say on a really broad level you know that's how I tend to approach the topic so what's interesting is in this case it's within a relationship you know you're you're getting laid it's not it's not that you're an insult or something it's not that you're your sex life is lacking but a lot of my approach has been like look you've got to build up some sense of self confidence and depth and substance and expertise and self-worth that's not based on how pretty you are because it seems to me you're so rattled by just the presence of other beautiful women around me or talking to me or whatever you know beaten I'm guessing to some extent it's because you like that but-but-but-but I look I think I'm wrong like one of the things I've got to say is I don't even think that diagnosis is correct in your case I think it's probably good advice for a lot of people watching this I don't think it's true in your case I don't think that solution works and I don't think that framing of the problem applies well the your case you've talked about the fact that some people who are beautiful their intellectual capacity has been stuff oh yes stifled you snuffed out it was looked upon and just the opportunities that brings them there that has not been the case for me like I know I was never thought of as beautiful and school but even so look there was a girl the very short version there was a girl fell in love with me in high school she was a year older than me so she started University and I was still in high school and she became a stripper and she dropped out of university to be a stripper right so in case you're not guessing I did not reciprocate her love I did not fall over there yeah my whole life would be different of a head right mm-hmm in a very real sense just the opportunity to make hundreds of dollars an hour I mean you know the amount of money she made as a stripper was vastly more than you know any job she could have gotten with nothing but a high school diploma not every young woman in her versity class faced that temptation of that option yeah right so I mean like I'm just saying obviously like you know I mean this is there were a million examples there are a million ways in which it it impacts your life but in her case you know and III do any were really well at that time it wasn't like she was in love with me from afar I knew the other factors and she was really in a cycle of kind of self-loathing and self-pity and you know just spoken a lot of cigarettes and you know and she was getting into stripping probably also what it did for ego was probably a big thing to give her a ton of money and suddenly every night she's around men telling her she's so beautiful and stuff you know and and whatever work you I don't know if she was 19 or what you know like you know okay well not everyone you know you've not ever deals with that you know well what you said thinking about other people's lives in a sympathetic way really not saying their lives are easier I do I did have friends who were corrupted because they were very beautiful and I agree with what you what you're saying on that front I it was something I said out of I don't know rage and feeling like injustice that you know pretty people have their lives right well it's not necessarily true because I just want to say you know emphasized that my life has not been about being beautiful in any way like in I had one name well like I didn't have a boyfriend all throughout high school and I knew many many girls who were and we're spending their time thinking about you know relationships with boys and that that did have a corrupting influence on how they what they when they went to college what they went to university for if they got further degree yes of course it has a huge impact on your life has a huge impact on the course the trajectory of what you do absolutely and I just I I don't know why I don't think about in that way and I think I really should try to like think of the individual and think of you know what I guess I guess the number one thing like like I think your advice is good for for people that are trying to find partner sir you know try to have their own confidence in their own intellectual capabilities and I think it's good advice for me - of course well it's not gonna harm you but I don't think it solves this problem I think it solves this problem is in particular my feeling like I really think it's just insecurity about like you have you I have no reason like logically to think this because you've you've put so much time into our relationship you've you've really been doting like you talk to me through talking me through with so many things and we're moving we've moved together and we're moving again together you know your life has really like our lives have revolves around each other the past two years so yeah I have no reason to think that you're going to leave me well I mean okay I sort of do recently because it's been so bad yeah now I really know I like at the start of the relationship I felt this way at the start of this relationship I was worried that you were going to find someone more beautiful than me someone with larger breasts I'm just being honest like that is a huge factor because there was born with small breasts it's totally shallow and I know even some people find it more attractive it's like I realize that there are adventures advantages are numerous what disadvantages are also numerous well I just mentioned all these things they're kind of bottomless there's always someone with bigger breasts than you there's always some with a bigger penis than you there's always someone with more money than you you know all those things yes someone with more background that relates to your background yes somebody's compatibility or something I'm wearing right and somebody smarter than you yeah sure so you start of the relationship you know I had no reason to think you know because of the problems that we've had you were going to leave me but now I really do have reason to believe that in it even I wasn't expecting you know cuz I felt like I had been working like I felt like I've been improving was with jealousy you know I really thought I had but then like because we've been having so many relationship difficulties I was like well this is the time if you were going to leave me it would be now because you know you're basically on the cusp of leaving me so like if somebody more beautiful more studies Chinese like has been to vows has been to you know China yeah hell yeah you're gonna jump off and get on somebody else's ship not mine because why you want to come down with me it's burning the ship is burning with me right so go onto somebody else's [ __ ] what like that is really why it's the insecurity of you leaving me and me never finding somebody that I love as much you know what rationally that doesn't help my question is my question what you've just presented is really a clearly reasoned narrative you know what that that makes sense when I'm with you and you're freaking oh no no no no no no but my point is like that's what you're saying now reflecting on it I don't really believe that's what's going on with you when you have these freak oh look you know what you just presented a totally rational train of thought like well you know because I've pushed you to the break with breaking up with me already yeah because because therefore I feel this way but like you know I just say in terms of the the feeling and then the behavior that you know comes out of it that that doesn't seem to be what's actually going on so they're saying what what you've just said that could kind of be addressed and that could be fixed but I think that would not be you know I mean it wouldn't fix the problem we can even you see within the span of a shoe yeah [Music]