Hitting on strangers… not being a creep… not an option?
13 February 2019 [link youtube]
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Youtube Automatic Transcription
it can't just be because he's a guy and
you're a woman and it can't just be because he's unattractive and you're more attractive than him we have to come to the principle of the thing like in essence what is it that makes something creepy or not what are the criteria for not being people what's the alternative how to not be a creep when stepping up and giving a stranger unwanted attention yeah unasked-for admiration on the internet you're gonna see babe wait way to the conclusion this applies to you this applies to you cuz you yeah that's how you found me Melissa's here sitting next to me to have a laugh I mean this is about a serious subject but it's completely tragically hilarious right so let's use that look this is real this is really real this is as real as it gets Sally I don't know if you remember me but my cousin and I were the guys you talk to you well in line for the event at that place on Sunday I was the one in the fedora oh and he was the one in the walking dead t-shirt so look you can already see I got that little caption there on the right hand side he is trying he's trying not to be creepy now my friend Sally sent this to me freaking out the first thing she said to me was you know oh my god I can't believe this guy sent me this email this is so creepy and I said we got it we gotta take a step back here let's really examine in 2019 what does it mean to be creepy and it can't just be because he's a guy and you're a woman and it can't just be because he's unattractive and you're more attractive than him we have to come to the principle of the thing like in essence what is it that makes something creepy or knocker you what are the criteria for not being people what's the alternative how to not be a creep when stepping up and giving a stranger unwanted attention yeah unasked-for admiration on the internet you're gonna see babe wait way to the conclusion this applies to you this applies to you cuz you yeah that's how you found me you had to step up and send me someone asked for attention at some point right yeah that was you see how that turned out okay yeah I can't believe I can't believe this was a completely on ironic use of I was the one in the fedora but that's what it is so you guys are wondering right off the bat and it shouldn't matter but it does matter and has to matter what is Sally look like I Oh Sally Sally is attractive I would say Sally is attractive enough that if you saw her you'd think you could be the weather girl reading the weather report I'm sorry you could be the fully-grown meteorologist attractive female meteorologist on a respectable news network like you know NBC or CBS or CNN or whatever but she is not so good-looking she is not so outrageously attractive that you would think wow you could be the weather reporter on one of those like really skeezy like Italian the news networks they're like you know the Mexican news at 7:00 were like if you flip past it you're like is this even really a news channel like this doesn't look like a legitimate weather apart right right how did they hire this woman because she actually studied like weather science and you never like what the hell you know okay some of you know all right so yeah she's good looking and sure that's part of the context and I have indeed seen photographs of the dude and no he is not he kind of looks like YouTube's weapon collecting expert skull grim if he had been dying of cancer since birth and was miraculously cured but not really miraculously just by modern science and people say that yeah he's really this it's just he's got that overall bad health unattractive glow about him yeah yeah and it comes across in photo I never met him I didn't see a YouTube just just the photographs you're like yeah okay but you know life's a struggle you know unattractive people need love too and you're gonna see he makes it and and again the real ethical question is here you can't just call someone a creep because you happen to find them unattractive or because they were objectively in favor because you're more dragging them or because want to use a man and one he's a woman you know there are gay people - sometimes the genders are the same or whatever sometimes whatever we have to get to the essence of this thing okay after we went our separate ways I realized that other than my cousin giving you his business card so the cousin already made his move here people cousin got the got the phone number in we had so much as exchanged names to my surprise I discovered that this bothered me a lot and I found myself hoping I'd run into you again before my family and I left the place I enjoyed our conversation very much and I hope you did as well I thought you were intelligent and charming and I feel like we had a lot in common not necessarily including being intelligent so this is this is working okay on you you're not respond then Sally responded super negatively to this like she was right she was fuming she was in my shoes like this is she didn't just say it was creepy sounds like she said it was so entitled I know I know look of course what you look like matters of course it does it's but I'm just saying we can't judge this email as creepy because of how he looks right like that that there has to be some I know but she well that's right and look so Sally and I are friends now we go way back like car seats you know and I said is that you've told me other stories about guys trying to step to you like way more aggressively or initially and you weren't cool with it or what I'm like you know what it wasn't you know what but what if y-you know what is what is it about this the guest you yeah we talked about it you know what whatever I mean she's got her perspective on but you know back back in the day there was a time before I met Melissa when I you know I talked to Sally myself was like maybe you and I should be some kind of a couple that was what I was thinking I did not say that that was not my that was not my opening line or something like hey you know maybe but but you know but you so come back to that it was like look you didn't find it you didn't find it inappropriate what I you know gotten touched you was like hey what's up and you know she knew what was up we're still friends today which is really cool that's a wonderful skill if you can develop it guys to like get to know people and then decide hey you know we can be we can be just friends and then actually be friends it's hard it's hard man most middle-aged people have no friends yeah I said it no that's why people watch sitcoms that's why people watch sitcoms so they can act out the fictional parallel universe in which middle-aged people have charming conversations with their charming friends because you don't middle-aged people spend all their time burning money changing diapers picking up poo from their domesticated pets going to the dry cleaners and if you ever do talk to a friend it's for like five minutes on the phone yeah yeah man what's up I'm just on my way to the dry cleaners to pick up this poo but like like dude it doesn't exist the vast majority of middle aged people do not have friends they have people they're sleeping with that they may or may not be married to they have jobs they have and it's horrible most middle-aged people do not have friends okay struggle is real all right cool I thought you were intelligent charming when we got back to my cousin's house I remember that you said your job was this particular job which provided an opportunity to look you up and get in touch so he knew what to Google to track dinner email but I hesitated because I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate however over the last few days I've come to the conclusion that if I don't at least try to contact you then for a long time I'll wonder what would have happened if I hadn't chickened out so I looked you up on your employer's site and set this email so look Melissa I've didn't saying you okay you're imagining it's like me right so what yeah but you okay so when Eric man right yeah right somewhat close to my age man who's not dying of cancer right who doesn't look like he's dying of cancer right right right and you you not creep top of this whatever you know different strokes for different folks okay hold on plot twist plot twist plot twist plot twist okay to be honest I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish right now just getting up the courage to contact you is the goal once the email is sent I'll probably feel like the fish from the dentist tank in Finding Nemo ah yes oh you should be I guess fish is plural here they finally escape to the ocean pad themselves in the back and then say now what for now I suppose I just want the opportunity to get to know you a little better I guess a good place to start is to tell you a little about myself oh oh no keep your seatbelts on my name is Johnny anonymous I'm a Christian originally from somewhere in the United States but currently living elsewhere in the Unites States to study something at the University of someone I am in the fifth year of my PhD program having gotten my master's degree along the way I'm 32 a proud home school graduate and the second of six children I play music at my church mostly bass guitar nowadays but some acoustic guitar mandolin and vocals as well okay in my spare time I enjoy playing strategy and role-playing games both tabletop and PC I like fantasy and sci-fi especially Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings along with Harry Potter go ravenclaw so if you were wondering what kind of a man would say on ironically I was the guy in the fedora it is indeed the same guy who tells you he is a proud product of homeschooling that he's a fundamentalist Christian and that he spends all his time playing strategy and role-playing games etc and thus he is obviously failing to meet women at his church and in his ph.d program he's on a university campus so I get approached on University I'm ugly I'm 40 years old women trying to get with me on University campus this is honesty can't be creepy I mean like okay no I'm wrong it can be but the press you know what what are you what are you gonna say what is it that makes this group I'm not saying Sally is wrong Sally got creeped out she finds this creepy and there were different reasons why including like she didn't give this guy her phone number email and whatever I didn't give you my email me you know I mean like people gotta getting people gotta you know get their courage together and you know it's it's a challenge I understand what I'm trying in this video to get to the essence get to the real criteria with you guys that I've had crushes on what I've said in these moments like right I'm gonna break the ice here right I'm gonna break the ice and maybe I fall through but look look look look look look look what if you're this guy's sister to make the hypothetical more open so like you know he's your brother you're his sister and he says hey I met this person at the event and you know I did find her email and I could write to her do you think I should do it all right you as his sister might say yeah no you know and what's the worst-case scenario well I think I would just write you know but obviously you're wrong yeah I just I am trying to be sympathetic and also I don't have a lot of experience with guy yeah sorry I don't have a lot of experience with guys he on me or coming on me especially now but when they do they're working really hard to close the deal cuz like you know me your former serious boyfriend and a couple other guys you may have a couple of the guys who pursued your numerous they were like straight up like oh I'm here to commit yeah so I just say you say that but on the other hand like you're talking to like minimum four or five guys like me me your ex-boyfriend I can think of offhand yes like three other and all those guys were just like yo yeah I want in and whatever you know yeah so I just say you do you know you know you're 26 years old you know you don't you don't make yourself available like you know and but yeah they're few different guys have stepped up and been like hey I want oh yeah yeah look some people they don't get 5 in a decade most look most people are repulsive than most other people trust me I know but nevertheless I mean that's the thing that's one when I say like look if I'm hanging out in a university campus especially with PhD students you know older people like that people are trying to get with me why cuz there were like hundreds of them so if one person in a hundred is interested in me that's still a couple people you know it's over a period of time so it's you know that's no that's no boast but yeah I do not play my time but so I do not spend my time playing sci-fi fantasy strategy role-playing games Doctor Who ordinary cetera but you know what the truth is if I did I'd probably meet more women let's be real and then all this stuff would come out in time is how it used to be when people would have like first dates right ask somebody in the street you don't know anything about so with this I know I know it's possible Sally likes Lord the Rings and Harry Potter right a lot of people I responded to this talking to Sally's who were chatting murder and she was fuming that at that point I think she calmed down within like 15 20 minutes to put she was really mad yeah she really felt again she didn't feel the I was being creepy she felt he was entitled because also interesting saying what is he entitled to here I said bags were on that point would he be entitled he's begging you and he is begging you for a first date it's begging you can't say someone's entitled when they were a beggar begging but you know it's a while she was sending me messages like you know fuming with this I got out my pickaxe and went to the mine and I'm mind through my email history because I remembered an email that I sent to a woman and you know what like let me just look you know I was trying to remember her case why did Sun this I got this email and I sent it to her send her a copy of this email I said well look this is like one of the last times I can remember - and the email I sent like you know obviously I've got to anonymize this there's no kind of it was just like this was someone who had already written to me expressing interest in a specific issue let's pretend it's the history and politics of Cambodia so it's one of those things I have real specialized expertise right again this is all anonymized and this person has written to me and I know they're an attractive female and I wrote back to them and it just says hey I you know sorry you were asking me about whatever here's the link to this here's the link to that that's it yeah and there's absolutely nothing but you know and I said - Sally I was like well look you know I totally think even though there's absolutely nothing flirty there's nothing personal whatever I am a hundred percent certain you know she got this email and was like hey you know but it's he's opening the door a crack whatever it is like there's there's some interest there I'm certain and that's how it was with me in you you sent me email that was not in any way flirtatious at all yeah and it was just factual and it was just you know talking about areas of common interest and I was I knew from the very first email you were trying to say with me so you know like you know and and whatever and that leaves the ball in your court and you can you can respond this way you can split you can you can take it you know over however you want to take it right so anyway I sent that I sent that cell it was a well look you know I I went you know I went deep into the minds of my my email history and I got you this example and I was like do you think that's creepy where I just said oh and and at first her answer was well no because she wrote to you first this one more to person I said no I don't think you talked to this guy first you know you met him standing in a lineup like I you know I know you know it's for Dave but still no no that can't be the criterion and even so okay well then take that out of it what if hypothetically this was me right into her first whereas I go hey like I happen to know some out like like let's say she has a YouTube channel or something you're interested in Cambodian history and politics and like here's a link to something of written that's what was linked to it was you know past research I did like you know here's my research on Cambodian history and politics and I don't even say if you want to talk to me about this I'm going to I don't say that oh yeah hey you asked this could here here's dinner but of course of course and like for me there's that detachment there just like I was saying about Sally herself you know we could just be friends with this could just be someone where we have a common interest in history and politics of Cambodia or whatever it is maybe we have a lot of other things in common maybe we have not maybe this person turns out to be a fundamentalist Christian with you know like you don't know you don't even like you don't know the rest of their life you don't know what kind of crazy crap they're into could maybe even Lord of the Rings and Doctor Who and Harry Potter which I don't want to get mold when I have no artists and you know you don't you don't know maybe she also plays the mandolin in her church choir you know you don't know like okay this is the one thing I know about you but yet to me and it's like but look I got you cake that woman I sent the email to you about Cambodian politics I totally think you can send something that neutral that objective and the person of the other one is like you were creep I think that can totally happen right I was creeped out by you but no you know you know you already know we've mentioned I think I mention this on YouTube already but I could tell you were trying to flirt with me or trying to get with me and then you know when I checked out your facebook at that time and said you had a boyfriend you know you know you know and then like months later I asked you about that it was like look you know you know yeah it was like a turning point the conversation was like look you know like you know I've seen your facebook and you've seen mine so like you know come on well you really oughta but here you know and you were like yeah I know but anyway I just say that was uh yeah well hey but hey you played the win well that's the other thing I'm gonna say in the conclusion here it's a high city it's a high stakes game there's risk no I mean you're taking a risk you gotta you gotta be willing to humiliate yourself you gotta be willing to embarrass okay all right so look here he is he's trying really hard not to be creepy if you find this message in poor taste please let me know in case it's not obvious I'm not in the habit of doing these kinds of things to be honest I feel like I'm in way over my head here I would hate nothing more than to cause you any discomfort or distress if on the other hand you might be interested in staying in touch I look forward to hearing from you again I'm on Facebook if you want to look me up there so again in the example I got out of the minds you know I didn't say anything like that but of course you know of course I'm on facebook I'm on Instagram I'm on you if you if she wanted to look me up she could God to him look if he wants to know my penis size it's on the Internet if she wants to see shirtless selfies of me or footage of me doing 200 push-ups in a gym in Thailand that's all on the Internet if she wants to see me challenging another grown man to a boxing match it's all on the other hand she wants to read the research I've done see the intellectual side of my life my study of languages must see my handwriting in lotion and Chinese all that's the inner tube let's say you don't spill it out but my point is implicitly in even the shortest and most minimal email communication of course you can find you you can find me on the internet you can find it more if you want to know more it's always there so I'm not saying that this is great literature or anything or that he has fantastic imagery or prose in this in this message but but it is true that I did catch a couple typos I don't know if this is it like transcribing would know it's a screenshot or something but the typos are original yes go on alright well there were some but enough to be like okay well this guy is obviously educated PA five years into his PhD right has a master's degree so I mean in this way you learn that he's a for the right woman use a catch really right wine probably probably a woman who also plays mandolin at the church group or something okay yeah well that's what twist so he proposes a date that sadly found really offensive and entitled I don't agree with her because I think he's just begging and he then says if it's agreeable to you maybe we could arrange the meet up while I'm in town respectfully Johnny anonymous PS before anything else I'd like to know who are Christian too if you are that's great oh yeah if you aren't then I urge you to get right with God before you think about anything else least of all me believe me when I say that nothing is more important yeah and you know that was what God was thinking when he wrote the Bible he was like dudes you're gonna use this to get laid man he was gonna use this to big she's laying it all on the table I'm an atheist I let everyone know I'm an atheist I'm a nihilist I like I'm not I'm anti-communist I'm a critic of the Communist Party I don't oh I would get laid so much more if I were further to the left if I were Pro communists or socially you know you know but no I'm really open about what I really believe or whoever lam Oni was it that I'm anti-communist and then I'm you know very very aggressively secular atheist kind of person so so it's my point it's it's easy to judge him for being upfront and honest about who he is and what he believes but I'm upfront and honest about who I believe so you know what I mean like you know we got to try to come to one kind of conclusion I came to two conclusions it number one is have detachment so like I said like in the email I found as an example I think this is true of you writing the meal so or when I first worked you I think it's true of loss where it's like look I'm writing this person with the - I come over saying this to you openly once we really got into like buying airplane tickets to meet each other and something once we really got serious I was like look you have to recognize it's really possible we're not gonna like each other like the majority of people the majority of the time doesn't work out you're not right whatever it is you know you know you have to have detachment that we can end up being just friends or you can end up just feeling lukewarm about me like you got like don't assume you're gonna be swept off your feet and of course what actually happened was you were completely so our romance was Swift to say the least all right so but you know have detachment and I think that detachment is really partly integrally about the fact that most people are not attracted to most people and most relationships are not going to be sexual in nature like if you do have something in common like the stuff he's asking about let's say you have all the stuff in common oh yeah I also play the mandolin doesn't mean I want to suck your dick but what a play the mandolin doesn't mean I want you like though but we both play the mandolin that's great you know um yes really really having that attached for most people that's the hardest thing to do right but either you got it or you don't so I think before you can send an email like this before you can send us a list about you got it and then - this is my solution maybe people in the audience will disagree but that email I sent the email about Oh Cambodian politics here's the link to Maya sama Cambodian politics right - a woman the same way you'd write to a man that's what I in that email I when I was talking to Sally about it I was like look this is exactly the same wording like in every way if it was just a dude I would have written exactly the same email nothing different there's no none of this not even like oh I hope this doesn't offend you like I hope this doesn't know nothing it's exactly the same way I'd write to a dude exactly all right so whatever we got to have some variation here in case the genders are inversed or ambiguous or you're you know gay or whatever so you know if you're a man right the woman woman right into a man if you're gay and lesbian you're writing to the same gender or use your imagination here you know what I mean right to this person about the real substance of what it is you have to write them about you know the same way you would is if there's no possibility of love romance or is that simple I think I think those two things number one and number two that is the way to not be creepy that's all I got and I think that's objectively real whether you're handsome rug Li whether you're a guy of a girl whether you were the first email or you didn't somebody else for the first email and then look I have number three there and bright yellow you still can't win life is unfair and you're taking a risk and any of these people can turn around and denounce you and say you're a creep and insult you and tell you you're ugly and you look like you're dying of cancer and laugh at you for playing mandolin in the church basement or for liking Harry Potter that's right I have the good taste to make this to make this anonymous but yeah yeah I mean you whenever you are putting your heart on the line for sure yeah I guess I can't disagree with you I mean I think I do wonder about the switching of the gender genders you know like yeah I think like for me I think probably for most women it's probably good advice but yeah I think some women like the way that they talk to other women is more like you know history okay it's not business like enough is what you're saying it's not here do you remember the woman who threatened to sue me after just a couple emails and I forget if she was she was Dutch I think she was from the Netherlands and you know I had a guy write in to me he was also Dutch or whatever she was built in the southern I was also Belgian and you know so in you know her English was a little bit you know a little bit skewed and not not quite correct English but I remember this guy wouldn't even he said look I'm read that you know I'm a hundred percent certain that woman was trying to flirt with you oh she was trying to get with you you know that was what he picked up he said no she wasn't doing a very good job but she was reading you know and then that correspondence really quickly deteriorated into her screaming at me that she hates me and is gonna sue me you know and that's probably why probably that's because the first email she said sue you because right yeah right I mean it's it's a risk right you know yeah you know when people get but that's that's a point one is about it's a detachment like you know I look you know so I mean she was writing to me with whatever thoughts and hopes on her mind and stuff and there are a whole lot of reasons why I wasn't interested but including said Yoshi one of the first things she said was that she's not vegan like well gee you you're sure no you shouldn't you sure know how to talk to me there's one thing you could have figured out my youtube channel lie you know one of a shot lie just say you're vegan me know say you're a vegan for ethical reasons like but it was like yeah well I'm not vegan but you know it's like you know yeah so okay big smiles from Melissa here but that's it it you know we live in a day and age where I think people are criticized for and denounced for being a creep all the time and you know it's a little bit unfair and there's no doubt guys who were good-looking get away with things that you know less attractive guys you know can't get away with you know the the margins for broke on it are really really tight and the Internet does not come with a manual and a you know a lot of people get in their hearts broken yeah and yeah sure sure there are a lot of people you know drowning their sorrows but you know if you really think about what life was like hundred years ago were the only people you could date were the people you know in your village in your town on your block going to your county fair and you had 30 seconds when you happen to meet them maybe you couldn't even talk to them you had to talk to their brother or their uncle or their father and say oh pardon me you know I'm aware you have a nice you know I'm interested in man we've come a long way and we're going through a process of social and cultural and intellectual evolution as a species and for me I hate to harp on it but one of the most important things is in terms of your evolution I don't think you can get by playing science fiction role-playing games Doctor Who Harry Potter you know I think you got to adapt I think intellectually you've got to be in a position where you can send that email and it's both something really substantive really interesting really meaningful not necessarily the politics of Cambodia where you're creating some common ground to make a connection that ultimately isn't just about your means okay guys hit me up on patreon I am you
you're a woman and it can't just be because he's unattractive and you're more attractive than him we have to come to the principle of the thing like in essence what is it that makes something creepy or not what are the criteria for not being people what's the alternative how to not be a creep when stepping up and giving a stranger unwanted attention yeah unasked-for admiration on the internet you're gonna see babe wait way to the conclusion this applies to you this applies to you cuz you yeah that's how you found me Melissa's here sitting next to me to have a laugh I mean this is about a serious subject but it's completely tragically hilarious right so let's use that look this is real this is really real this is as real as it gets Sally I don't know if you remember me but my cousin and I were the guys you talk to you well in line for the event at that place on Sunday I was the one in the fedora oh and he was the one in the walking dead t-shirt so look you can already see I got that little caption there on the right hand side he is trying he's trying not to be creepy now my friend Sally sent this to me freaking out the first thing she said to me was you know oh my god I can't believe this guy sent me this email this is so creepy and I said we got it we gotta take a step back here let's really examine in 2019 what does it mean to be creepy and it can't just be because he's a guy and you're a woman and it can't just be because he's unattractive and you're more attractive than him we have to come to the principle of the thing like in essence what is it that makes something creepy or knocker you what are the criteria for not being people what's the alternative how to not be a creep when stepping up and giving a stranger unwanted attention yeah unasked-for admiration on the internet you're gonna see babe wait way to the conclusion this applies to you this applies to you cuz you yeah that's how you found me you had to step up and send me someone asked for attention at some point right yeah that was you see how that turned out okay yeah I can't believe I can't believe this was a completely on ironic use of I was the one in the fedora but that's what it is so you guys are wondering right off the bat and it shouldn't matter but it does matter and has to matter what is Sally look like I Oh Sally Sally is attractive I would say Sally is attractive enough that if you saw her you'd think you could be the weather girl reading the weather report I'm sorry you could be the fully-grown meteorologist attractive female meteorologist on a respectable news network like you know NBC or CBS or CNN or whatever but she is not so good-looking she is not so outrageously attractive that you would think wow you could be the weather reporter on one of those like really skeezy like Italian the news networks they're like you know the Mexican news at 7:00 were like if you flip past it you're like is this even really a news channel like this doesn't look like a legitimate weather apart right right how did they hire this woman because she actually studied like weather science and you never like what the hell you know okay some of you know all right so yeah she's good looking and sure that's part of the context and I have indeed seen photographs of the dude and no he is not he kind of looks like YouTube's weapon collecting expert skull grim if he had been dying of cancer since birth and was miraculously cured but not really miraculously just by modern science and people say that yeah he's really this it's just he's got that overall bad health unattractive glow about him yeah yeah and it comes across in photo I never met him I didn't see a YouTube just just the photographs you're like yeah okay but you know life's a struggle you know unattractive people need love too and you're gonna see he makes it and and again the real ethical question is here you can't just call someone a creep because you happen to find them unattractive or because they were objectively in favor because you're more dragging them or because want to use a man and one he's a woman you know there are gay people - sometimes the genders are the same or whatever sometimes whatever we have to get to the essence of this thing okay after we went our separate ways I realized that other than my cousin giving you his business card so the cousin already made his move here people cousin got the got the phone number in we had so much as exchanged names to my surprise I discovered that this bothered me a lot and I found myself hoping I'd run into you again before my family and I left the place I enjoyed our conversation very much and I hope you did as well I thought you were intelligent and charming and I feel like we had a lot in common not necessarily including being intelligent so this is this is working okay on you you're not respond then Sally responded super negatively to this like she was right she was fuming she was in my shoes like this is she didn't just say it was creepy sounds like she said it was so entitled I know I know look of course what you look like matters of course it does it's but I'm just saying we can't judge this email as creepy because of how he looks right like that that there has to be some I know but she well that's right and look so Sally and I are friends now we go way back like car seats you know and I said is that you've told me other stories about guys trying to step to you like way more aggressively or initially and you weren't cool with it or what I'm like you know what it wasn't you know what but what if y-you know what is what is it about this the guest you yeah we talked about it you know what whatever I mean she's got her perspective on but you know back back in the day there was a time before I met Melissa when I you know I talked to Sally myself was like maybe you and I should be some kind of a couple that was what I was thinking I did not say that that was not my that was not my opening line or something like hey you know maybe but but you know but you so come back to that it was like look you didn't find it you didn't find it inappropriate what I you know gotten touched you was like hey what's up and you know she knew what was up we're still friends today which is really cool that's a wonderful skill if you can develop it guys to like get to know people and then decide hey you know we can be we can be just friends and then actually be friends it's hard it's hard man most middle-aged people have no friends yeah I said it no that's why people watch sitcoms that's why people watch sitcoms so they can act out the fictional parallel universe in which middle-aged people have charming conversations with their charming friends because you don't middle-aged people spend all their time burning money changing diapers picking up poo from their domesticated pets going to the dry cleaners and if you ever do talk to a friend it's for like five minutes on the phone yeah yeah man what's up I'm just on my way to the dry cleaners to pick up this poo but like like dude it doesn't exist the vast majority of middle aged people do not have friends they have people they're sleeping with that they may or may not be married to they have jobs they have and it's horrible most middle-aged people do not have friends okay struggle is real all right cool I thought you were intelligent charming when we got back to my cousin's house I remember that you said your job was this particular job which provided an opportunity to look you up and get in touch so he knew what to Google to track dinner email but I hesitated because I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate however over the last few days I've come to the conclusion that if I don't at least try to contact you then for a long time I'll wonder what would have happened if I hadn't chickened out so I looked you up on your employer's site and set this email so look Melissa I've didn't saying you okay you're imagining it's like me right so what yeah but you okay so when Eric man right yeah right somewhat close to my age man who's not dying of cancer right who doesn't look like he's dying of cancer right right right and you you not creep top of this whatever you know different strokes for different folks okay hold on plot twist plot twist plot twist plot twist okay to be honest I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish right now just getting up the courage to contact you is the goal once the email is sent I'll probably feel like the fish from the dentist tank in Finding Nemo ah yes oh you should be I guess fish is plural here they finally escape to the ocean pad themselves in the back and then say now what for now I suppose I just want the opportunity to get to know you a little better I guess a good place to start is to tell you a little about myself oh oh no keep your seatbelts on my name is Johnny anonymous I'm a Christian originally from somewhere in the United States but currently living elsewhere in the Unites States to study something at the University of someone I am in the fifth year of my PhD program having gotten my master's degree along the way I'm 32 a proud home school graduate and the second of six children I play music at my church mostly bass guitar nowadays but some acoustic guitar mandolin and vocals as well okay in my spare time I enjoy playing strategy and role-playing games both tabletop and PC I like fantasy and sci-fi especially Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings along with Harry Potter go ravenclaw so if you were wondering what kind of a man would say on ironically I was the guy in the fedora it is indeed the same guy who tells you he is a proud product of homeschooling that he's a fundamentalist Christian and that he spends all his time playing strategy and role-playing games etc and thus he is obviously failing to meet women at his church and in his ph.d program he's on a university campus so I get approached on University I'm ugly I'm 40 years old women trying to get with me on University campus this is honesty can't be creepy I mean like okay no I'm wrong it can be but the press you know what what are you what are you gonna say what is it that makes this group I'm not saying Sally is wrong Sally got creeped out she finds this creepy and there were different reasons why including like she didn't give this guy her phone number email and whatever I didn't give you my email me you know I mean like people gotta getting people gotta you know get their courage together and you know it's it's a challenge I understand what I'm trying in this video to get to the essence get to the real criteria with you guys that I've had crushes on what I've said in these moments like right I'm gonna break the ice here right I'm gonna break the ice and maybe I fall through but look look look look look look look what if you're this guy's sister to make the hypothetical more open so like you know he's your brother you're his sister and he says hey I met this person at the event and you know I did find her email and I could write to her do you think I should do it all right you as his sister might say yeah no you know and what's the worst-case scenario well I think I would just write you know but obviously you're wrong yeah I just I am trying to be sympathetic and also I don't have a lot of experience with guy yeah sorry I don't have a lot of experience with guys he on me or coming on me especially now but when they do they're working really hard to close the deal cuz like you know me your former serious boyfriend and a couple other guys you may have a couple of the guys who pursued your numerous they were like straight up like oh I'm here to commit yeah so I just say you say that but on the other hand like you're talking to like minimum four or five guys like me me your ex-boyfriend I can think of offhand yes like three other and all those guys were just like yo yeah I want in and whatever you know yeah so I just say you do you know you know you're 26 years old you know you don't you don't make yourself available like you know and but yeah they're few different guys have stepped up and been like hey I want oh yeah yeah look some people they don't get 5 in a decade most look most people are repulsive than most other people trust me I know but nevertheless I mean that's the thing that's one when I say like look if I'm hanging out in a university campus especially with PhD students you know older people like that people are trying to get with me why cuz there were like hundreds of them so if one person in a hundred is interested in me that's still a couple people you know it's over a period of time so it's you know that's no that's no boast but yeah I do not play my time but so I do not spend my time playing sci-fi fantasy strategy role-playing games Doctor Who ordinary cetera but you know what the truth is if I did I'd probably meet more women let's be real and then all this stuff would come out in time is how it used to be when people would have like first dates right ask somebody in the street you don't know anything about so with this I know I know it's possible Sally likes Lord the Rings and Harry Potter right a lot of people I responded to this talking to Sally's who were chatting murder and she was fuming that at that point I think she calmed down within like 15 20 minutes to put she was really mad yeah she really felt again she didn't feel the I was being creepy she felt he was entitled because also interesting saying what is he entitled to here I said bags were on that point would he be entitled he's begging you and he is begging you for a first date it's begging you can't say someone's entitled when they were a beggar begging but you know it's a while she was sending me messages like you know fuming with this I got out my pickaxe and went to the mine and I'm mind through my email history because I remembered an email that I sent to a woman and you know what like let me just look you know I was trying to remember her case why did Sun this I got this email and I sent it to her send her a copy of this email I said well look this is like one of the last times I can remember - and the email I sent like you know obviously I've got to anonymize this there's no kind of it was just like this was someone who had already written to me expressing interest in a specific issue let's pretend it's the history and politics of Cambodia so it's one of those things I have real specialized expertise right again this is all anonymized and this person has written to me and I know they're an attractive female and I wrote back to them and it just says hey I you know sorry you were asking me about whatever here's the link to this here's the link to that that's it yeah and there's absolutely nothing but you know and I said - Sally I was like well look you know I totally think even though there's absolutely nothing flirty there's nothing personal whatever I am a hundred percent certain you know she got this email and was like hey you know but it's he's opening the door a crack whatever it is like there's there's some interest there I'm certain and that's how it was with me in you you sent me email that was not in any way flirtatious at all yeah and it was just factual and it was just you know talking about areas of common interest and I was I knew from the very first email you were trying to say with me so you know like you know and and whatever and that leaves the ball in your court and you can you can respond this way you can split you can you can take it you know over however you want to take it right so anyway I sent that I sent that cell it was a well look you know I I went you know I went deep into the minds of my my email history and I got you this example and I was like do you think that's creepy where I just said oh and and at first her answer was well no because she wrote to you first this one more to person I said no I don't think you talked to this guy first you know you met him standing in a lineup like I you know I know you know it's for Dave but still no no that can't be the criterion and even so okay well then take that out of it what if hypothetically this was me right into her first whereas I go hey like I happen to know some out like like let's say she has a YouTube channel or something you're interested in Cambodian history and politics and like here's a link to something of written that's what was linked to it was you know past research I did like you know here's my research on Cambodian history and politics and I don't even say if you want to talk to me about this I'm going to I don't say that oh yeah hey you asked this could here here's dinner but of course of course and like for me there's that detachment there just like I was saying about Sally herself you know we could just be friends with this could just be someone where we have a common interest in history and politics of Cambodia or whatever it is maybe we have a lot of other things in common maybe we have not maybe this person turns out to be a fundamentalist Christian with you know like you don't know you don't even like you don't know the rest of their life you don't know what kind of crazy crap they're into could maybe even Lord of the Rings and Doctor Who and Harry Potter which I don't want to get mold when I have no artists and you know you don't you don't know maybe she also plays the mandolin in her church choir you know you don't know like okay this is the one thing I know about you but yet to me and it's like but look I got you cake that woman I sent the email to you about Cambodian politics I totally think you can send something that neutral that objective and the person of the other one is like you were creep I think that can totally happen right I was creeped out by you but no you know you know you already know we've mentioned I think I mention this on YouTube already but I could tell you were trying to flirt with me or trying to get with me and then you know when I checked out your facebook at that time and said you had a boyfriend you know you know you know and then like months later I asked you about that it was like look you know you know yeah it was like a turning point the conversation was like look you know like you know I've seen your facebook and you've seen mine so like you know come on well you really oughta but here you know and you were like yeah I know but anyway I just say that was uh yeah well hey but hey you played the win well that's the other thing I'm gonna say in the conclusion here it's a high city it's a high stakes game there's risk no I mean you're taking a risk you gotta you gotta be willing to humiliate yourself you gotta be willing to embarrass okay all right so look here he is he's trying really hard not to be creepy if you find this message in poor taste please let me know in case it's not obvious I'm not in the habit of doing these kinds of things to be honest I feel like I'm in way over my head here I would hate nothing more than to cause you any discomfort or distress if on the other hand you might be interested in staying in touch I look forward to hearing from you again I'm on Facebook if you want to look me up there so again in the example I got out of the minds you know I didn't say anything like that but of course you know of course I'm on facebook I'm on Instagram I'm on you if you if she wanted to look me up she could God to him look if he wants to know my penis size it's on the Internet if she wants to see shirtless selfies of me or footage of me doing 200 push-ups in a gym in Thailand that's all on the Internet if she wants to see me challenging another grown man to a boxing match it's all on the other hand she wants to read the research I've done see the intellectual side of my life my study of languages must see my handwriting in lotion and Chinese all that's the inner tube let's say you don't spill it out but my point is implicitly in even the shortest and most minimal email communication of course you can find you you can find me on the internet you can find it more if you want to know more it's always there so I'm not saying that this is great literature or anything or that he has fantastic imagery or prose in this in this message but but it is true that I did catch a couple typos I don't know if this is it like transcribing would know it's a screenshot or something but the typos are original yes go on alright well there were some but enough to be like okay well this guy is obviously educated PA five years into his PhD right has a master's degree so I mean in this way you learn that he's a for the right woman use a catch really right wine probably probably a woman who also plays mandolin at the church group or something okay yeah well that's what twist so he proposes a date that sadly found really offensive and entitled I don't agree with her because I think he's just begging and he then says if it's agreeable to you maybe we could arrange the meet up while I'm in town respectfully Johnny anonymous PS before anything else I'd like to know who are Christian too if you are that's great oh yeah if you aren't then I urge you to get right with God before you think about anything else least of all me believe me when I say that nothing is more important yeah and you know that was what God was thinking when he wrote the Bible he was like dudes you're gonna use this to get laid man he was gonna use this to big she's laying it all on the table I'm an atheist I let everyone know I'm an atheist I'm a nihilist I like I'm not I'm anti-communist I'm a critic of the Communist Party I don't oh I would get laid so much more if I were further to the left if I were Pro communists or socially you know you know but no I'm really open about what I really believe or whoever lam Oni was it that I'm anti-communist and then I'm you know very very aggressively secular atheist kind of person so so it's my point it's it's easy to judge him for being upfront and honest about who he is and what he believes but I'm upfront and honest about who I believe so you know what I mean like you know we got to try to come to one kind of conclusion I came to two conclusions it number one is have detachment so like I said like in the email I found as an example I think this is true of you writing the meal so or when I first worked you I think it's true of loss where it's like look I'm writing this person with the - I come over saying this to you openly once we really got into like buying airplane tickets to meet each other and something once we really got serious I was like look you have to recognize it's really possible we're not gonna like each other like the majority of people the majority of the time doesn't work out you're not right whatever it is you know you know you have to have detachment that we can end up being just friends or you can end up just feeling lukewarm about me like you got like don't assume you're gonna be swept off your feet and of course what actually happened was you were completely so our romance was Swift to say the least all right so but you know have detachment and I think that detachment is really partly integrally about the fact that most people are not attracted to most people and most relationships are not going to be sexual in nature like if you do have something in common like the stuff he's asking about let's say you have all the stuff in common oh yeah I also play the mandolin doesn't mean I want to suck your dick but what a play the mandolin doesn't mean I want you like though but we both play the mandolin that's great you know um yes really really having that attached for most people that's the hardest thing to do right but either you got it or you don't so I think before you can send an email like this before you can send us a list about you got it and then - this is my solution maybe people in the audience will disagree but that email I sent the email about Oh Cambodian politics here's the link to Maya sama Cambodian politics right - a woman the same way you'd write to a man that's what I in that email I when I was talking to Sally about it I was like look this is exactly the same wording like in every way if it was just a dude I would have written exactly the same email nothing different there's no none of this not even like oh I hope this doesn't offend you like I hope this doesn't know nothing it's exactly the same way I'd write to a dude exactly all right so whatever we got to have some variation here in case the genders are inversed or ambiguous or you're you know gay or whatever so you know if you're a man right the woman woman right into a man if you're gay and lesbian you're writing to the same gender or use your imagination here you know what I mean right to this person about the real substance of what it is you have to write them about you know the same way you would is if there's no possibility of love romance or is that simple I think I think those two things number one and number two that is the way to not be creepy that's all I got and I think that's objectively real whether you're handsome rug Li whether you're a guy of a girl whether you were the first email or you didn't somebody else for the first email and then look I have number three there and bright yellow you still can't win life is unfair and you're taking a risk and any of these people can turn around and denounce you and say you're a creep and insult you and tell you you're ugly and you look like you're dying of cancer and laugh at you for playing mandolin in the church basement or for liking Harry Potter that's right I have the good taste to make this to make this anonymous but yeah yeah I mean you whenever you are putting your heart on the line for sure yeah I guess I can't disagree with you I mean I think I do wonder about the switching of the gender genders you know like yeah I think like for me I think probably for most women it's probably good advice but yeah I think some women like the way that they talk to other women is more like you know history okay it's not business like enough is what you're saying it's not here do you remember the woman who threatened to sue me after just a couple emails and I forget if she was she was Dutch I think she was from the Netherlands and you know I had a guy write in to me he was also Dutch or whatever she was built in the southern I was also Belgian and you know so in you know her English was a little bit you know a little bit skewed and not not quite correct English but I remember this guy wouldn't even he said look I'm read that you know I'm a hundred percent certain that woman was trying to flirt with you oh she was trying to get with you you know that was what he picked up he said no she wasn't doing a very good job but she was reading you know and then that correspondence really quickly deteriorated into her screaming at me that she hates me and is gonna sue me you know and that's probably why probably that's because the first email she said sue you because right yeah right I mean it's it's a risk right you know yeah you know when people get but that's that's a point one is about it's a detachment like you know I look you know so I mean she was writing to me with whatever thoughts and hopes on her mind and stuff and there are a whole lot of reasons why I wasn't interested but including said Yoshi one of the first things she said was that she's not vegan like well gee you you're sure no you shouldn't you sure know how to talk to me there's one thing you could have figured out my youtube channel lie you know one of a shot lie just say you're vegan me know say you're a vegan for ethical reasons like but it was like yeah well I'm not vegan but you know it's like you know yeah so okay big smiles from Melissa here but that's it it you know we live in a day and age where I think people are criticized for and denounced for being a creep all the time and you know it's a little bit unfair and there's no doubt guys who were good-looking get away with things that you know less attractive guys you know can't get away with you know the the margins for broke on it are really really tight and the Internet does not come with a manual and a you know a lot of people get in their hearts broken yeah and yeah sure sure there are a lot of people you know drowning their sorrows but you know if you really think about what life was like hundred years ago were the only people you could date were the people you know in your village in your town on your block going to your county fair and you had 30 seconds when you happen to meet them maybe you couldn't even talk to them you had to talk to their brother or their uncle or their father and say oh pardon me you know I'm aware you have a nice you know I'm interested in man we've come a long way and we're going through a process of social and cultural and intellectual evolution as a species and for me I hate to harp on it but one of the most important things is in terms of your evolution I don't think you can get by playing science fiction role-playing games Doctor Who Harry Potter you know I think you got to adapt I think intellectually you've got to be in a position where you can send that email and it's both something really substantive really interesting really meaningful not necessarily the politics of Cambodia where you're creating some common ground to make a connection that ultimately isn't just about your means okay guys hit me up on patreon I am you