You are still a crackhead.

more than anything I'm proud of myself
you are proud of yourself you're proud of yourself just stop and reflect on that I don't think my father should have been proud of himself for reading a 700 page novel and took 10 years to do it or something okay no there's no pride in that a grown man reading a novel is not a big accomplishment and James Joyce Ulysses is just another novel I don't think that you Sara should be proud of yourself for drug tourism there's no pride in it there is nothing here for you to be proud of least of all vomiting and hallucinating on this particular drug ayahuasca I love this use of the word ceremony too I mean you met up with your drug dealer okay and you got high that's what happened you and you can call it a ceremony okay you got high on hallucinogenic drugs that's what you paid for package deal if a crackhead refers to crack as medicine how seriously do you take that if someone who Huff's glue refers to the glue as medicine how seriously do you take that if an alcoholic refers to whiskey as medicine how seriously do you take that guess what guys you can hallucinate if you just drink enough vodka you can hallucinate if you just smoked enough hashish it doesn't mean they're medicine a lot of people and you're unbelievable misery their whole lives long and they're looking for something they're looking for something to make them feel better they're looking for something to give their life a sense of meaning Direction purpose optimism I can relate I also have a human heart you know but my message here is if you're looking for something make sure it's something that doesn't cause brain damage make sure it's something that isn't built on lies and doesn't work why are you to lie to others because when you end up lying about these things man that's that's a real red flag that's a real sign when you got people coming on the internet claiming they're sober lying to themselves and lying to others about their sobriety the fact that you're lying about it is almost as powerful an indicator as the fact that you're giving yourself brain damage for it and then 0.3 you really gotta watch out for like false claims about philosophical profundity about these things in your life even if we weren't talking about a hallucinogenic drug whether you're talking about a religion or a book be it fiction or nonfiction dude if you meet someone who says that they found the meaning of life in Star Wars or Lord of the Rings or in a video game like have you ever had one of those conversations where someone tries to tell you that they found the meaning of life playing a 16-bit videogame and you're like dude I don't care what the [ __ ] you're about to tell me next whatever was in that video game it's not that meaningful it's not that profound can we have a moment of recognition that any supposedly profound truth you are going to claim to have discovered through the use of hallucinogenic drugs it is gonna be on the same level as a glue Huffer telling you about the profundity he discovered through huffing glue or somebody who suffered a concussion in a car accident telling you about a profound realization they had in moments of delirious dementia of hallucinating because they had a concussion in our car accident stop lying to yourself and stop lying to others above the profunda these things I'm gonna throw in like a really quick example of something that is in no way related to drugs my father lied about reading the novel Ulysses by James Joyce for damn near ten years all right I didn't count the number of years but like he was lying about this before I started high school and all the way through to my finishing university and like nobody else put him in check on this and I can remember saying to him a couple times like when I was university like are you still bragging about reading a novel a novel it's not a work of philosophy this is not a work of political history this is a novel that high school kids read while they're still in high school all right and you are lying you're lying to yourself and others that you're reading it and I know you're not reading it because it doesn't take eight years to read this novel it's just not reasonable and you're boasting about it like it's this huge accomplishment we get to me this is really like comparable to the drug trip thing why would you be boasting about drug tourism why would you be boasting about flying to Costa Rica to get high on a hallucinogen why would anyone be boasting about cocaine LSD any of these drugs right you're boasting about reading this novel I said to my father you haven't even read it like what have you been reading one page a day or less like I know you're not actually reading this novel so you know me and my father we really had like zero communication for about 10 years almost zero communication right at the end of that time so there's like a 10-year gap I said to mr. [ __ ] face I was like oh yeah how about how about Ulysses by James Joyce but he finally read the novel and I wonder if I guilt-tripped him into it because I pointed out he'd been bragging to people but having read this novel for so many years are you finally gonna read it you know you had nothing to say it's not that meaningful it's just a novel it's just a hit novel Star Wars is just a hit movie Lord of the Rings is just pulp fiction I mean get over it okay getting high and hallucinating is just that people come on the Internet people come on social media and they promote this stuff they propel this stuff you know they lie to themselves they lie to others they have no interest in the scientific reality of brain damage of what are the effects in the brain that bring about this hallucination right and they ascribe to it this kind of false philosophical profundity I can't wait to be home and see how the lessons I've learned impact my day-to-day you wouldn't feel some humility about that you wouldn't feel some sense of shame what if this drug tourism really did impact your day-to-day life wouldn't that be sad wouldn't you have to look back on that with regret like wow I changed my day-to-day life from the basis of a drug trip on the basis of something that is no better than huffing glue getting a concussion or coming down with tropical fever guys I used to live in the tropics trust me tropical fever causes hallucinations no better and no worse than taking these drugs all you're doing is inducing illness you're making yourself sick to experience a mental state that comes about with a whole wide range of infections okay whole wide range of illnesses because they don't but what you have no shame Oh wouldn't that be great for you to have these lessons lessons taught to you by a drug trip relationship with cooking feels totally renewed after a long time wondering if I even wanted to keep making food related content maybe you should take a good long look at how meaningful or how meaningless your life yeah you know what maybe you got a solid intuition there maybe you were suspecting that there's something more to life that would ease but now meaningless cooking videos and no no no no you took a vacation you got high on drugs and now you're reassured that this is something really meaningful to do with us what a self-serving delusion boy you sure got what you paid for signing up for that drug trip anything I'm proud of myself you are proud of yourself you're proud of yourself just stop and reflect on that I don't think my father should have been proud of himself for reading a 700 page novel and took 10 years to do it or something okay no there's no pride in that a grown man reading a novel is not a big accomplishment and James Joyce Ulysses it's just another novel I don't think that you Sara should be proud of yourself for drug tourism there's no pride in it there is nothing here for you to be proud of least of all vomiting and hallucinating on this particular drug ayahuasca your brother I'm proud of myself for coming to a strange new place alone going to--they of Manson talking to people every day my social anxiety maybe break down and cry for about an hour on the first day but I dusted myself off and kept going the biggest lesson I've learned is that I can figure anything out as well as I keep trying anything huh anything you think you can take on any challenge now that you've been to a resort hotel where you were waited on hand and foot now that you can cope with the anxiety of being on vacation in a tropical resort hotel Wow all right I mean you know like people climb a mountain and then they feel a lot of confidence I would point out skeptically also well you know climbing a mountain it's not really a skill set that prepares you for anything else in life you know what the skill set of being on vacation in a resort hotel it really is not testing you nor preparing you for much of anything else unless somebody accidentally perhaps took my flip-flops at the end of yesterday's ceremony yeah I love this use of the word ceremony to like I mean you met up with your drug dealer okay and you got high that's what happened you and you can call it a ceremony okay you got high on hallucinogenic drugs that's what you paid for package deal and they won't worry my sneakers with my dress by the way yesterday's ceremony was amazing I felt pure safety and love and appreciation for myself for the first time she you know and you feel no shame you feel no regret you don't look at this and think wow if getting high on drugs is what I need to do to feel appreciation for myself what the hell does that say about me what does that say about me how pathetic and how low is that no no reflection on this after processing the most intense grief and fear on night number two not even going to attempt to put it into words right now just gonna wait until I talk about it on the channel such podcast lol I'll bet you were laughing out loud I bet you were cackling bet you were just laughing as you type that no I don't think you were I think you got intimidated after you uploaded one video shamelessly promoting this drug trip vacation you got a lot of negative reactions and then you decided to delete that video I don't know if I was the only YouTube channel to criticize that video I made a few videos of my own really trying to draw attention to the cracks in the story of presenting her Sarah and trying to draw attention to the harm you may do to other people day after my first is ceremony you guys no words can explain it by far the scariest experience of my life it made me realize that was living in this limbo between a wanting to live an inspired life and B wanted to run away from life constantly the suicidal thoughts I've experienced my whole life the medicine confront me if a crackhead refers to crack as men how seriously do you take that if someone who Huff's glue refers to the glue as medicine how seriously do you take that if an alcoholic refers to whiskey as medicine how seriously detailer guess what guys you can hallucinate if you just drink enough vodka you can hallucinate if you just smoked enough hashish it doesn't mean they're medicine all of this is just intoxication what you're experiencing is brain toxicity and again hallucination that is in principle no different from what you can get from any tropical fever or even fevers brought in on by adverse reactions to you know treatment in hospital with conventional drugs the medicine confronted me with the opportunity to leave this life and I chose resoundingly to stay to be right here she showed me a lot of other things but I felt this one should be shared so some people might need to be reminded that it is safe to commit to being alive I'm glad you're here yeah what inspiration you are to us all Sarah I see this again and again there's another guy with the YouTube channel called London real and he talks about sobriety and he talks about his history of drug addiction but he is still a crackhead in every meaningful sense and he is still out propounding and encouraging people to use this same hallucinogenic drug ayahuasca there's another guy CG kid gonna play a clip right now he says he's sober he came on YouTube and preached sobriety for so long what you're about to hear is that he always had the mentality of a crackhead okay and it's the mentality that matters most of all it's not just the drug habit it's not just the brain damage it's the set of Lies that go along with the brain damage it's the fact that you're lying to yourself and others about it both on that practical level of lying about what you're actually doing with your time what you do with the money where you're going lying saying that you're sober when you're not but then the deeper lies also of ascribing false philosophical profundity - what is no more and no less than the drug trip people like to disrespect my truth but the fact is that you know my name is I don't know you and then I got hit with pretty much an existential crisis because in my last three videos I did say I was six and a half years sober in the beginning and I that lie harm me yet more than it I don't think it really harmed anybody else and those videos weren't really recovery videos is like one was an interview a documentary with other people and I'm a weed addiction Q&A but at the same time I felt really horrible about the fact that I lied he died basically smoking eating if there was THC enemas or like things I could have plugged I would have done that it was like weed everywhere and non-stop and I was taking like a crap ton of value most taking like a lot like 40 milligrams a day but my tolerance built and I was taking so much I lost count and then I was drinking I started drinking because my tolerance went up and the pills I just didn't have that many so it's like oh I mix it with alcohol which is extremely dangerous I was drinking about a pint - two pints of whiskey a night and I got to a point I was just chugging models weed and valium in the day more alcohol at night and then I was like well crap like now my mind's all blurry so I need adderall which was my excuse to take adderall so then I think oh I need DXM like that would be therapeutic for my depression which and I had access to it it failed two of my classes I didn't even show up for two of the tests anyway so I go through like the worst withdrawal ever I don't know what hours are drawing from I imagine I was withdrawing from weed alcohol benzos and I think the depersonalization from DXM hadn't been of affecting me and I know that withdrawing from either alcohol or benzos alone can kill you and then I got hit with pretty much an existential crisis because in my last three videos I did say I was six and a half years sober in the beginning and I that lie harm me yet more than it I don't think it really harmed anybody else but at the same time I felt really horrible about the fact that I lied [Music]