Joss Whedon: How I Lost My Virginity and Began My Hollywood Career.

i never replied to joss's email and then shortly after that first email he emailed me again to like check in on me and kind of said you know i don't i guess i don't i won't hear from you for a while and i didn't reply again and you know after reading every book on psychology as i mentioned um i i had come to this difficult conclusion that i needed to cut all contact for the sake of my own mental health the reality was i loved him with all my heart but he didn't love me back and for the sake of transparency for him um i was very clear i i told him that i was a virgin he was definitely he definitely was into the idea that i was a virgin but i also never felt like i felt like i never felt pressured to do anything with him it was all totally consensual um and you know i did want to i just kept saying to myself i just need to live in the moment and enjoy this experience for what it is but deep down i knew for the first time in my life i was in [Music] love my name is erin shade hickox but mostly i go by aaron shade because it's easier and it sounds cooler i'm from this place villanova pennsylvania it's in this area known as the main line of philadelphia where all of these super well to do rich people live i definitely grew up in a very privileged life in fact my parents never let me forget it because they didn't really grow up from this grew up in this kind of wealth so they were constantly you know reminding us that we were very lucky and privileged to be living this lifestyle they were very like republican leaning people so fox news was on like 24 7. my all-time favorite cartoon growing up was sailor moon i often wish that i could like be a sailor since she and like save the world just like her it made me want to learn japanese too and after years of begging my parents i convinced them to pay for her private tutoring in japanese on the weekends but overall my made-up session was still tv when i was 15 i had this thought one day in october when i was 15. and [Music] the thought was i needed to watch buffy the vampire slayer [Music] and so i borrowed my friends dvds because this was like before streaming was a thing obviously and i binged the entire series in a month there was something about the writing that really drew me in and i'd always loved writing and i'd always loved tv but for whatever reason i just hadn't put like two and two together i hadn't thought like i should be a tv writer but then when i saw buffy i was like i have to be a tv writer and so from that moment on everything i did was in the singular pursuit of this goal i had to be a tv writer or else there was nothing else i could do with my life throughout this whole time as i was going through high school i kept thinking you know how cool would it be to be an assistant on a joss whedon tv show so in 2008 i moved to la to matriculate into usc film school and um by the second semester i was already interning because i was very ambitious and i just like wanted to hit the ground running because i was like okay if i'm gonna be in a hollywood assistant i have to start interning now right away so that by the time i graduate i can like seamlessly transition into my hollywood assistant career which will then become my tv writer career so this is the plan it was like a very like long-term plan i had flash forward three years several nervous breakdowns and depressive episodes later um i managed to graduate usc film school as i'm sure many people remember uh this was when people liked joss whedon people like uh he avengers was so amazing like everyone loved it it was the top grossing movie ever and everything and he was like riding his career high he needed a second assistant and i actually didn't think i was qualified for this job um someone at my work actually had to like convince me to apply i was like i don't know like i just graduated college like i don't think i can do this and she was like what are you talking about like give me your resume i'm gonna send it to my fiance and then he will give it to his boss and you will get in and i was like okay i was called back to interview for the final round of four people um at marvel studios with joss himself and i just remember thinking like wow like i'm only like two three three months out of college and i'm about to go interview with joss whedon like i could hardly believe it was even happening and i remember as soon as i walked in it was like all the air had been sucked out of the room like i was just so surprised like that he was so depressed he was so there's just heavy depression energy all over him and i quickly learned that he had just separated from his wife and that he had just moved into his own new house but still he was like super nice and like really kind and we had like a really nice chat and he i remember he had told me that um he had just gotten back from japan and that he had gone to the ghibli museum and i was like oh my gosh like i love japan like i studied abroad there like i study japanese and i love anime and everything and um and i forget what else we talked about but i mean i feel like we vibed we buy pretty well despite him kind of being like i think sad and stressed um and i remember at the end of the interview as i was leaving i was like i turned him and i was like everything's gonna be okay and the following monday um i got a call from his assistant and he was like hey so um unfortunately you didn't get the job but joss really liked you and he thinks that maybe you'd be a really good fit for this new tv show that we're developing for marvel um and it would be more of like a tv writer's room job like would you be interested in that and i was like um yeah yes i was like yes like of course like oh that's even better than being someone's personal assistant i was like somehow i failed upwards like i don't know how i did it but i was like this is even better than before this new show would soon become marvel's agents of shield code name ragtag you know by this point you know i could not believe my luck i was like how did i do this like it's almost working too perfectly it was like i was getting you know a personalized crash course and how tv was made and and one day at work around this time we were preparing to move offices from santa monica to culver city and i got a text from joss and he said that he was on his major deadline for this avengers sequel script thing that he was working on and he was wondering if i would be free um that weekend to basically like watch him like a hawk while he was like made to finish it basically uh on time and um you know and check for typos and things like that and just kind of be like you know a little bit like a babysitter for him to like make him do his job a little bit um and he offered me two thousand five hundred dollars to do this for him i didn't think there was anything weird about it and also one of the marvel executives on the movie was set to join him on one of the days and so like he knew i was going to be there and everything so again i just like didn't think that it was anything untoward also side note two thousand five hundred dollars was more money than i made in a month on uh that assistant job so i was like sweet extra cash for me um the only caveat was that he asked me to keep this a secret i promised him i was like of course like i'll keep it between you and me it's just you know i don't want to like mess anything up but i was just so excited to be there and it was such an experience and he was really nice and he made a lot of progress in the script and on sunday night after everything was done he was so happy to have made his deadline and thanked me profusely for my help and i was like i didn't really do anything but like okay sure you're welcome um he was like no you really helped me and can i take you to dinner and i was like sure yeah on our walk back to his place [Music] um we were just chatting about life and we basically just like became friends over the next several weeks we began like exchanging more texts all the time and our friendship grew [Music] and then one night towards the end of june i got a text from joss and he asked me if i wanted to come over and watch a movie and i was like sure yeah um but as i was driving over there i was like we are friends but i also kind of feel like something could happen and maybe i'm making a huge mistake but like he's so kind and funny and i feel like a really vibe and maybe i'm just being paranoid i don't know like we are just friends like everything's totally fine we'll be fine everything's normal so i get over there and we smoke some weed and we sit on this like red velvet couch thing and within the first 45 minutes in i felt him hold my hand [Music] and i felt my heart leap into my chest and i was like oh my gosh like i'm holding joss's hand like am i developing a crush and as i was driving home i was like my mind was going crazy i was like having a little panic attack and i was like i was like aaron you can't have a crush on joss like this is crazy what are you doing but then the other part of me was like aaron you've never had a crush before on anyone and you've never had a boyfriend before or anything and so you should indulge this and you should do so for the sake of love and destiny and i was like ah anyway the next thing i know joss and i are secretly dating the weight of the secrecy was heavy and incredibly anxiety inducing um i really it was such i faced such conflict in every waking moment of my life at work but at the same time i cherished my time with jaw so much we saw movies and we had lightsaber battles and we smoked weed and we had fun dancing his place like at dance parties at his house and i never really been into dancing before like my friends could never drag me to the club but somehow joss managed to get me to like dancing i had never felt this way about anyone before and i just felt like i had to do it you know because i felt like [Music] i was meant to do it but then after a few weeks of this joss ended it because he was afraid of hurting me and because he was moving to london soon and he was you know going through a lot with his you know separation divorce thing with his ex-wife and stuff and i was really sad but i understood but then after comic-con we started back up again and we were dating for the rest of the summer um and for the sake of transparency for him um i was very clear i i told him that i was a virgin and he was very kind about it and he never pressured me to have sex with him or anything um although he was definitely into it he was definitely he definitely was into the idea that i was a virgin but i also never felt like i felt like i never felt pressured to do anything with him it was all totally consensual um and you know i did want to um and we went on this like fancy wine vacation in napa valley over labor day weekend um before he was set to leave for london and i felt like it could happen then um but we were both too nervous and it just became awkward but we still had fun and it was such a whirlwind and i just kept saying to myself i just need to live in the moment and enjoy this experience for what it is but deep down i knew for the first time in my life i was in love after our trip to napa joss ended things and moved to london to make age of ultron i was devastated but i knew i just had to double down and focus on my job all i could think about was how much i missed joss and how much i wish we could be together again then in december we reconnected and by january i had booked tickets to visit him in london after the season one wrap party i basically kept a countdown clock on my computer for london um waiting for the day that i was to leave um and finally after the wrap party which was a super amazing success in my opinion um and i think everyone else thought so too um i flew to london and uh i was i flew with one of my closest friends as well we basically had planned this whole vacation together and um my our trip was mostly just the two of us but um as soon as i got there i immediately went to go um have dinner with joss and we had an amazing reunion and it was everything i could have dreamed um like i even had this like amazing blowout that i had gotten before i left la and like i arrived and it was like perfectly intact like everything was like going my way and we um we just had an amazing night and i lost my virginity that night and i had never been more happy in my entire life plus i also got to go to stonehenge and like be amongst the stones which is really cool joss was set to come back that august and i felt like maybe we could become official and if we become official i couldn't be technically his employee even though you know he was never like my direct boss but like he was still a credit executive producer on the show that i worked on so and there was obviously a power dynamic and stuff and so i was like well if i get a new job then there won't be that problem anymore and so i resolved to find a way to transition to another assistant job jed and marissa called me into their office and they looked really serious and they sat me down and they said that they decided that they were not gonna ask me back for season two and i was so shocked i broke down into tears i i knew things had been tense between us a little bit in the past few months but i really thought i had redeemed myself with the wrap party like i i honestly didn't think i didn't expect to get fired like i was just i was taken aback you know i sat there at my desk crying wow this poor marvel security dude had to like watch me like delete these emails it was just it was horrible and i sobbed in the car all the way home and i just cried for i don't even know how long like somehow my dream job had turned into a nightmare i didn't say anything to joss at first because i was so humiliated um but obviously eventually he found out and he texted me you know that he felt so bad and he asked us if i was okay and i said i was and that i would figure something out but in reality i had no idea what i was going to do i had asked jenna marissa why they let me go but they didn't tell me um and i didn't know how to explain why i was leaving shield to potential employers and no one wants to hire a fire assistant um and to this day i don't know why they fired me um some people close to me suspected that it was because they knew about me and joss but i can't say for certain um so i decided to swallow my pride and ask my dad for financial assistance um while i worked on my own writing for a little while my dad and i didn't really have a close relationship at this time um but i think that he was impressed by my entrepreneurial spirit um and was like okay you have six months and i was like sweet a week or so later i was about to walk into my therapist's office again wasn't a lot of therapy at this time um and i got a text from joss and i texted him back i was like hey dude like you want to come over and sit here and just watch me uh meet my deadline of my own for my script like kind of you know referencing uh the beginning of it all and he laughed and was like hey you know i'm so sorry i can't make it today but if you want to come over um fly out tonight and i'll pay your way because we're on bank holiday this weekend and i was like what and i like i walked into my therapist office and i was like um joss wants to fly me to london tonight and she's like uh what are you doing here then and i was like permission granted and i like left immediately and drove all the way home and packed a bag and the next thing i knew i was on a flight to london i spent five days chilling at his place and working on my script and we were having a lot of fun and he told me that when he got back to the states that he wanted to keep seeing me the best part about that summer was that joss and i were still texting all the time and honestly it was his support and texts that helped me get through all that stuff and more than ever i just couldn't wait for him to get back to the states i was basically bedridden with anxiety and depression about everything um my script rewrites were basically collecting dust for months and i had like no energy to even move my six months was soon to be up and i had no idea what i was doing with my life but worst of all joss had just gotten back to the us but he was acting really distant towards me over text one day in late august i got an email from joss and he said basically that he couldn't have a girlfriend and it felt like my heart like was ripped out of my chest the pain was so extreme like physically emotionally i like plunged into like the darkest the darkest time of my life i was like hurtling towards rock bottom like at warp speed and on my way there i like read every book on psychology like three days after my kundalini awakening experience i began finishing the rewrites on my script which was called arcana i decided okay well i guess i'll just send this to my roommate and see if she likes it and so she read it and she sent it to one of her assistant friends and then her assistant friend showed it to her boss and uh the next thing i knew i was sitting in the office of a production company called good universe um very appropriately named production company and i was chatting with um this creative executive her name was also aaron and she um was like hey so we love this and uh would it be okay if um we developed this and i was like sure yeah and she was like there's one caveat though sam raimi also has to be attached to it and she was like are you okay with that and i'm like um [Music] yeah i was like what the heck is happening like i went from basically like having no prospects to within a week you know having this my script basically be you know in development for me to be a showrunner and i had sam raimi attached to executive produce i could hardly believe that within literally five months and three weeks i had gone from fired showrunner's assistant and unceremoniously dumped by joss whedon um to show runner of my own tv show they brought out a bottle of champagne and they were telling me that i was going to be the next joss whedon if you've known me on youtube or if you're one of the few people who's never watched my youtube channel but has for many years known me face to face in real life you've heard me say again and again that short-term self-centered thinking starts to resemble evil with enough repetition with the passage of time you can live your life surrounded by people who don't think of themselves as evil who don't think of their motivations as evil who don't think of their objectives as evil but they're selfish and they're not even thinking about the consequences of their actions five years from now for themselves for the other people in their lives not even for people they love people they profess they love people they pretend they love much less the people they may simply use as a means to an end i warn again and again people who've known me without ever watching this youtube channel they've all heard it short-term self-centered thinking starts to resemble evil but once in a while you got to deal with a guy like joss whedon you got to deal with a guy who thinks long term and what he was doing with this young woman over many years and it seems reasonable to assume given the evidence of many different young women who've come forward that during those years she was not the only one if i may speculate a little bit here what he was doing with this young woman was making a minimal amount of effort taking a minimal amount of risk adopting a minimum amount of responsibility while having a maximum impact on her life you can say whatever you want to criticize her including somewhat skeptical cross-examination of her own motivations i think she's sincere when she says that she fell in love i think she's also sincere when she says that she went to hollywood with a plan and her experience of falling in love may have been shaped by preconceived notions that she partly got from watching television as a child including watching television shows written by josh sweden and it may have partly been shaped by her own ambitions and her own plans perhaps in part in ways she wasn't aware of herself but whatever you may want to say in criticizing or cross-examining or skeptically considering the young woman's motivations joss whedon is a rare example of a man who's completely selfish he's not thinking about the consequences for anyone other than himself but he's acting and he's strategizing long term and i guarantee you when he first met her at that job interview he was already thinking about what he was going to do a few months later and each one of those times when he broke up with her he was aware that he was putting her in this position where all he had to do was make one phone call send one text message one email and say hey can you get on an airplane and fly out here today loving someone is it helping them or is it harming them seducing someone making someone fall in love with you there are consequences when other people fall in love with us whether or not we have any control over it we think of it as helping others but when we're selfish when we're self-centered whether we think and act short-term or long-term love itself soon enough becomes something very destructive very harmful for ourselves and for those we claim we love