JEALOUSY ⓶ Feelings of Injustice, rage and revenge.

not everything arbitrary you know is an
injustice but I think it's it's really inevitable that people feel a sense of injustice about this thing this is not couples therapy we have the completely objective and unbiased therapist of the the camera observing us without comment taking notes very fastidiously and then we can we can watch the video later right this is our second video talking about jealousy so if you can watch the channel for a while you know the jealousy is not a problem for me and yet it's a big problem in this relationship jealousy is not just about physical appearance it's not just about beauty handsomeness etc you know I used to get hate mail all the time suggesting that I was jealous of my ex-wife because she had a PhD and I didn't wow you are so barking up the wrong tree right now well I've known many people who got PhDs and I've known many people during the process of getting a PhD and I know exactly how arbitrary those decisions are look I know how arbitrary it was that my ex-wife ended up in the ph.d program she did with the supervisor she did I know exactly how much suffering was involved in the process of her getting the PhD I know kind of exactly how little educational content there was or how how poor how low-quality her educational experience was I know how disappointed she was you know its various stages of that and you know it was this Cambridge Cambridge University England and I know at the end of it she had this sense of shame with the contrast between the public expectation of what it means to have a PhD from Cambridge University and the reality of what her experience was and now beyond that again she's not unique I've known many people in many different fields with this this kind of experience mutatis mutandis and I've seen how they cope with it psychologically and so on being excluded from certain opportunities arbitrarily you know it's sad I mean I can look at how arbitrary it was that I didn't have better opportunities mostly just because I'm a Canadian citizen I'm not a German citizen or a French citizen or a British citizen or even an American citizen I'm a prisoner of my passport especially when it comes to academic opportunities but when I look at that I can just feel sad about it right l I don't I don't feel jealousy you know and I can look at the experience that my ex-wife had or many other people on you who went through PhD programs I can look at the experiences they had um I can feel happy for them I mean it's actually it's very rare that they had paused the experience but when they did when they had a great experience that a PhD and they're really happy but I can feel happy for them and you know on the other hand of course more often I can feel sad for them also I can really relate to what it was they were they were struggling with before after enduring getting that PhD the kind of question his appointment not everything arbitrary you know is an injustice but I think it's it's really inevitable that people feel a sense of injustice about this thing i honest I don't think it's your main problem maybe I'm wrong maybe it is I worked in an office I had a government job in Laos I worked for the the Lotion government it's a communist country so the majority of people around me are Communist Party officials and there was one woman white woman from Australia who was there in the same office and her salary was being paid by Australian by an Australian charity and she was such a sour and bitter character and it was illegal but she was sleeping with a lotion guy she had a love affair with her which is illegal by the way he at that time I doubt they've changed the law it was illegal for foreigner to have a romance with a local person and a lot of people were breaking those laws of course but it was a very interesting kind of dance because then once you're breaking that law the authorities know they can they can extort you they can blackmail you they can ask for ya they can say well if you don't want us to charge you with this you know yes that's right yes yeah yeah she was just such a really vicious and and jealous person jealousy was the room and she was jealous of me that was ultimately the drama that tore apart the work situation she was jealous of me because she imagined I was making way more money than she was and I wasn't she's this vindictive horrible jealous character and then one day her sister came to visit and her sister was gorgeous yeah and she walks into the office did it all make sense then no but neither would she look you see her sister was so good-looking you guys you got the good DNA and I didn't and it's arbitrary right yeah it's not it's not random but it's arbitrary and you know her sister wasn't wearing a fancy outfit or anything sister was wearing dumpy backpacker I think she literally had a backpack on a blue jeans yeah from the minute her sister walks into the room everyone men and women it was a big it was a big office big government office everyone stands up and turns around looking at this woman she watch their own he's she's striking whoa and you know I've seen a lot of white people walk in there it's not trust me you know it's men and women we'd seen we've seen different different people walk in so this was you know she so what I mean one of them was lucky and one of them was unlucky in that respect right yeah now you know but it's not a good look that's thank you to be jealous to be the jealous type right and I know that I even before I got together with you I had a lot of experience with a jealous partner yeah and being also a jealous partner even though it's not like there were women knocking on my ex-boyfriends door but you know there were incidents and also he tried to basically prevent me from having any close friends close male friends which for me was hard because I have always just like gravitated more towards having male friends and I think it's just because I grew up with brothers so really once I got to University and I started this relationship all your friends so it kind of I had no friends I kind of forgot that about you but no that's true that's also part of your current situation was that it was hard or feet of female friends no friends yeah may also be because of jealousy a lot of women I have a lot that this is a huge problem for me so there's a lot to talk when I want I want to poke in one more definition if your sister is gorgeous that doesn't take anything away from you right no that's the mr. stris she didn't subtract something from me right look when you're competing over finite resources like you know there's only the budget locate we're at every university there's only so much budget for research and now we're gonna decide how much money goes to this person how much money gets that for how we're gonna cut the pie some things are fine it oh well because of you I have less that's different it doesn't take anything away from me for her to be more beautiful right now my ex-wife's education piques the PhD he doesn't take anything away from me for her to succeed for her to have that PhD right so again like you know what is what is jealousy um you know one way to look at it is Miss apprehending everything arbitrary as an injustice but then to maybe on a really child childish level of the brain miss miss a pretending the fact that you have something as being the reason for me lacking it or me having less bless the night than I could have in some sense yes absolutely part of why I struggle with this is because I know how shallow and selfish it is of me to even be jealous of other people and you've mentioned this being a problem for me not being able to just be happy for you like I mean yeah this is our version of couples therapy so I'm going to talk about us talk about it in a way that is just donors what actually happens you know I want you to have friends I want you to talk to people and you're honest with me when you do meet somebody that does not mean somebody but you know with how the Internet is you can start talking to someone on some and you always tell me and I know you're a virtuous good person and you're honest with me you do me and I have no reason to like be worried because we've we've talked this so much but when you told me that you had been messaging an attractive young woman I couldn't stop this feeling even though it's like something I rationalized so much and we've talked about so often and it's so often that I've like embarrassed but I you know you say that that and that's happened throughout the relationship yeah including at the very beginning and including what I'm talking to someone I've already known for years like someone I knew before we started dating and so just just to give a little bit of context I don't know how much of this is going to replace the recording that we made yesterday or if it's just you mentioned using philosophy as a way to get better or you know become more virtuous and I really do want to but you are also true you are so telling the truth when you say that I lack virtues I say virtues say that I have virtues that I don't actually have I be able to talk about these things in it down earth way with you and I'm able to think about jealousy and what it really is right but then there's there's the actual feeling the actual reaction isn't versus yeah emotion and reaction versus being able to think about it philosophically and you mentioned you know this verges on the point of being psychopathy you know being something that is some kind of mental disorder and I do wonder because my first introduction of knowing about jealousy and my family is my grandmother she was a very very jealous person she was married to her husband who was my grandfather and he would work Ford Motor Company Ford plant and she wouldn't allow him to go out to lunch with his coworkers I've heard a lot about his grandmother that particularly ever good yeah he didn't she didn't want him to go to a diner and see a pretty waitress and be thinking about the pretty waitress so she would you know pack a lunch from and he would she insisted that he eat in the factory yeah whether he whether he obeyed or not she didn't know I mean I don't know he probably did go out to dinner but this was at a time that my father was growing up when televisions were becoming everywhere in every home but she refused to have a boob tube in the house because she didn't want right her husband seeing beautiful women on television and also even like things that seemed so um like what wore the soft core like Kohl's catalogs or like I was feeling I was told she'd go through the junk mail and she'd destroy anything that had a picture of a model she'd go through the TV Guide and take out pictures beautiful women and stuff consumed this way yes I knew so Melissa's one of my ex-girlfriends yeah her mother was a nurse and as their marriage progressed her father would not let her mother work because of basically the kind of flirtation and casual socializing that happens at a hospital yeah and I don't know I don't know if that was more jealousy towards the patients or towards the other members of staff like doctors and male nurses or whatever but it's roofs but that to me at the time that was that was kind of an unbelievably shocking an extreme form of jealousy it's like know what even you've ever results in the whole family being significantly poor you do to ask her to cancel her career and yeah she really had nothing to do anyone yeah well I think you're right to like if I took a videotape of some of the things that I've said to you yes I would be really shocked and say like this is somebody who's like filled with rage over like something yes I think we should go back to that so real quickly so you said a little bit vaguely I start talking to someone on the internet he's an attractive woman right yeah and again throughout the relation as a whole this is someone's included people I've already known for years but it can be someone on me first time or whatever yeah and it doesn't mean I'm meeting them because they're attractive by the way you know what have you and sometimes it's completely your imagination sometimes you you have no idea what the person looks like even most of the time you just know like I mean oh I'm sorry but you why not go ahead yeah I know situations where you you literally you have like all you know is a screen name you know like you just know this is a female who is talking to me or that I'm that I'm talking to right so and then I mean I think you say kind of really vaguely that you react jealously but like that's included you like like screaming at me like screaming at the top of your as you your voice isn't that left foot screaming as loud as you can scream it's included like hysterical weeping and like really being that wound up I'm yes crazy [ __ ] Melissa like crazy yeah I'm sincere about that like I realize and recognize that yeah this is a problem and it's been a problem