Missing my daughter / the agony of the separated parent [divorce]

if you've really been watching this
channel for a long time then you know I am one of these people who experiences lucid dreaming and I try to demystify lucid dreaming a bit there's nothing Supernatural about it there's nothing for incidental about it but when I dream I'm aware that I'm having a dream with few exceptions once in a while I have a dream which I'm not aware is a dream most of the time and one of the ways I've used that time productively in the past is by having dialogues having discussions sounds about philosophical themes most often about whatever I'm studying and I'm aware it's a dream so I'm aware it's really just having a dialogue with myself so many years ago when I was really into studying philosophy I can't remember having dialogues about the philosophy that happened to be studying at the time of my dream couple nights ago for several nights in a row I was actually having dialogues with myself that were about Chinese vocabulary Chinese characters so in Chinese you have to memorize the brush strokes not just the letter because I knew every dream I think there was a sense of I might as well try use this time productively because you can wake yourself up if you don't think about something while you're dreaming and you're the kind of person to us as lucid dreams so that haven't been said I just had a dialogue with myself while it was asleep I was having a nap in the middle of the day where I made quite an unexpected observation send the dream I asked myself why don't you go to the dentist why don't you make an appointment like today to see a dentist tomorrow and before you leave Canada before we go to Taiwan and in the dream I replied it was actually quite angry it was quite pissed off how could you possibly you know ask me to do that at a time with this or why would I or to waste my time with that now kind of thing and I pointed out to myself you're pissed off because you can't see your daughter you don't realize it you don't realize because you're not pissed off and anybody put with little things like this you're pissed off all the time and you've been dealing with it for so many years that it's become part of the background noise of your life and you don't even realize you're pissed off anymore you know you're angry all the time because you can't seem tougher and I'm crying now but I didn't cry at the time you know I woke up think about it again you can choose to wake up if you feel lucid dreamer and I thought you know wow that's a that's a really interesting observation because you know I I just read the court documents for the separation prior to the divorce the divorce is an ongoing legal process and I'd never had them translated into English before they were in French I did read them in French but you lose a lot of the nuance and your for me at my level of ability and French you're mostly just struggling to understand what's written on the lines you're not reading between the lines and they're very emotionally written documents not my emotion like the judge isn't writing in a very neutral factual tone of voice joy the judge is expressing that he or she is kind of contemptuous at both myself and my ex-wife at different points and I didn't catch that like when I was reading it in French it was hard for me to get that that's kind of sense of nuance and of what the perspective of the court was even though I did understand like factually what the documents were saying in French I understood it more so whole I understood it better waiting anyway but you know I don't know if Melissa was a little bit surprised by this or the couple of other people I talked to about it were surprised by this when I want to set it but the main effect the the documents had me was that I understood the court's point of view look I understood the judges point of view better than before and I wasn't pissed off I wasn't mad every so often people say to me it's Mohammed to the Samia private message like oh you must be furious at the courts you must feel this is unfair or you must feel this is biased against you because you're a man like gender bias movement and really sincerely like I reply to people like no I don't feel that way at all and when you see what's wrong with the system you know from my current perspective like there must be literally 1 million people per year who are hurt by the system much worse than I am the different different features of in terms of what's wrong with it the fact the fact that my ex-wife was able to get away with flagrantly manipulating the system like how many people are damaged by by that kind of thing hurt or dishonest you know used to the system the fact that she was able to carry on court proceedings in my absence without informing me that they were gonna happen just but if I she was in touch to me we had constant email going back and forth during that time and that then there was just this little one sentence recognition like oh there seemed to be something improper with the procedure for him informing the other person then they proceed anyway but nevertheless let's pursue whoa I thought I had the legal right to have a lawyer present or to be President myself I thought I had a legal right to be informed this was happening before I have my rights taken away from me before I have the right to see my daughter taken away from you in court in law whoa when you've got one sentence they're saying oh it seems like there was something improper with informing or serving paper the other guy but nevertheless you are but the thing is even if I'm aware of that happened well how many people like again maybe it's a million people have been damaged worse than us and then that after the fact once that's known in proven that there are no legal consequences for my ex-wife that it's cooled her it's trained her in acting with impunity contrary to the right of the law and that's that's what she's doing now so to my knowledge my ex-wife now is refusing to let me speak to my daughter is refusing to let me see my daughter outright and that's in a circumstance where we we have already a court order that gives me custody for 15 days at one time of the year and seven days at the time the details are boring but you know even when I'm literally reading the court documents from the judge I actually don't feel pissed off at the judge I don't feel pissed off of the system I don't feel self-pitying in that way that it's unfair for me or that it's more unfair to me than it is for other people put it that way I kind of feel like I'm getting the same deal everyone else gets in this is omits a bad deal and it's a bad system but you know I don't feel raised that way I don't feel angry towards the lawyers I've had in the past even though they've done a really bad job there are a lot of people I could feel anger towards that was a really interesting observation that came out of my own lucid dream and it's it's dead-on that's true I live my life with this strange sense of being harried all the time that I'm too busy how could I possibly care about that how and I haven't I haven't seen a dentist you know nothing wrong with my teeth but still you know every few years or something most people that it's inconceivable to me to make an appointment to see the dentist and and the reason why is that I've got this anger and sorrow that I'm carrying all the time because of separation from my daughter