Quit Video Games: "Hiding in My Room".

i feel like even if i had a hundred
really good friends it wouldn't really take away this feeling of crippling loneliness and the only way that i can get rid of this feeling of loneliness would be to have some kind of relationship with a nice young attractive girl so the second reason i wanted to leave the marriage was at the time during my peak popularity on youtube i was getting a lot of female attention and as someone who never really had much female attention in his life because i look like this and i'm weird and i've got no confidence um yeah having a lot of female attention was something very new to me and something that i couldn't resist the temptation of so i thought that leaving the marriage would give me the ability to go around the world meeting different female viewers or fan girls and then we could have a good time make content the channel would boom and then everything would be great but that didn't happen either so my channel failed because i'm not really doing anything anymore and because the channel failed i don't have the female attention anymore girls aren't interested anymore and they probably think i'm weird and they wouldn't want to get involved with me anyway so the other pattern i've noticed is pretty much every single one of my relationships has failed and i think they've been failing for kind of the same reason a lot of the girlfriends that dumped me every time i got dumped it was usually because of the same reason and that is the girl doesn't feel like there's much of a connection between us or she doesn't feel like i care about her because to be honest i'm not very good at making it seem like i care well i did get it a little bit didn't i last year but i didn't manage to sustain it or keep it going so right now i'm sitting in a position where the channel failed anyway regardless of what i did and now there's no more female attention because the channel failed and i've got you know i've lost my my internet fame my internet popularity so i kind of have nothing right now so i opened the door and i let her into the house it was a bit awkward at first and i led her towards the guest bedroom and said she could sleep here and then she got into the bed and started taking her clothing off and i thought to myself hmm is it wrong if i get in the bed as well i didn't really have any intentions of dating her and i didn't really mean to break her and her boyfriend up well i don't think i need to explain in detail what happened during the night so needless to say i wasn't really looking forward to having to explain this to my mother and i told the girl that she couldn't stay here because it's um you know it's kind of weird and at the time i was feeling very sad and really missing my ex-wife and my married life back in japan and i wasn't really in the mood to have company she was very sad that i didn't want to stay with her and i didn't want to find a place together with her i thought this was for the best because i just kind of wanted to go home and play rainbow six by myself to be honest i'd rather just sit by myself playing rainbow six and to be honest i don't really feel like going on a date going to a restaurant and then walking around it's kind of i just want to skip to the sex and then after sex i want them to leave so i can play rainbow six might as well get a hooker which is what i did a few days ago and it was great she came i paid had sex she left played rainbow six perfect maybe that's why what i need maybe i'm not really looking for laughs maybe i don't want a girlfriend maybe i just want to have sex and play rainbow six she was very sad that i didn't want to stay with her i just kind of wanted to go home and play rainbow six the only way that i can get rid of this feeling of loneliness would be to have some kind of relationship with a nice young attractive girl in my late teen years and my early twenties i was very creative very into art and creating something artistic and expressing myself and over the years that has kind of withered away i don't have a creative bone in me left anymore i've got no interest in art i don't have like this artistic flair or passion when it comes to making videos because i used to be really into videos as an art form i used to be really interested in the whole cinematography kind of video art form and wanting to express myself and using my unique perspective to get my point across and that all just went away that also makes me feel a bit sad that i've lost all of my artistic interests because my channel my videos always came from a place of artistic drive and wanting to express myself and now that i've lost interest in that it's really hard to stay interested in in video creation and i'm not sure how i can get that back every single time i meet some kind of resistance i just give up i can't get any matches on tinder german girls don't like me german girls don't like asian asian men they want these big six for tall white guys with fluffy beards who are all outgoing and confident it's so weird isn't it i can get loads of matches in japan okay they're not great matches they're usually fat or old women but it's better than nothing i can't get anything in germany and to be honest i don't really feel like going on a date going to a restaurant and then walking around to be honest i'm not very good at making it seem like i care every single time i meet some kind of resistance i just give up i just give up and i kind of shift courses towards a more an easier direction an easier path and that's a really bad way of living your life if everyone was like that no one would achieve anything difficult society wouldn't progress and succeed and then it will just kind of fall into stagnation and wither away and now that i think about it i've always been like this ever since i was a young child i don't know why i became like this who knows there could be lots of different reasons and different factors that were incorporated into my personality that made me become a really really lazy person at school i had no desire to want to study and know a lot of things and become good at anything and pass all the exams i had no interest i just wanted to kind of drift through school as easily as possible lowest effort minimum amount of effort and just kind of exist daydreaming waiting until school ends so i can run home and play video games maybe i don't want a girlfriend maybe i just want to have sex and play rainbow six but then i miss the structure of being in a relationship i do miss that element of being married why i had someone who cared about me i don't know i'm conflicted i want sex but then i will be alone play rainbow six but then i also want to be loved and i want affection and i want to feel less alone in the world that would be nice when it comes to finding women i'm just gonna tell you guys straight [Music] um [Music] maybe spend [Music] less time [Applause] [Music] oh [Music] so [Music] [Music] you