Our Abusive Relationship (With the Audience)

stop treating women like infants
stop it it's a 28 year old adult woman when do people start like when do people start being responsible for their own decisions in life when when does it stop when is it that when you stop and vandalizing women if if but if melissa is telling you her life is wonderful and her relationship with me is wonderful and whatever she's talking about all these things going on why would you disregard that invent a mythology in your own mind and then treat that as more real than all this [ __ ] evidence and all this stuff about all the meaningful content we've turned out over the last four and a half years i started this video by asking when did you learn this stuff when did you have to face up to the reality of what what human nature is or what the majority of your fellow human beings are really like but would it be an exaggeration to say that for you melissa facing up to that facing up to just how stupid people are facing up to just how mean-spirited people are facing up to how un unwilling people are to be reasonable or rational even when you make the effort to be reasonable and rational and honest with them i think would it be an exaggeration to say that you had that experience when you came on my youtube channel hit it yeah so one experience that i had was with somebody that i knew from college who had written to me in a completely unreasonable way oh yeah another friend who was my roommate and yeah having that experience of like somebody who even knew me formerly i think you should tell the story i mean obviously you can you can anonymize it or whatever but i mean i think you know chromium why don't you why don't you just sum up this sure so yeah it was actually it's relevant because it is very real it's very similar in the fandom this response that i can remember here came when i up when we uploaded these videos talking about our relationship that fandar has made videos responding to like break up with isil or isil shouldn't be in a relationship yeah you know he takes this clip of me breaking down weeping you know talking about how much i love isil that is a point when she broke down weeping she was like not what she loves me um you know sleeping about the fact that we've had issues in this relationship because of me because yeah yeah yeah no but tell the story about what the funny girls so when that was uploaded i got a text message from this friend who i hadn't heard from in years i had maybe one message from her after university but that was it and she just asked me in a text message are you okay it became obvious that she had been watching eisel's youtube channel and she had been following me this whole time which i i didn't i didn't know about um following my life you know it and it's one thing if she had actually like messaged me saying like hey i saw that you moved to china that's that's yeah right right that's another point so this is someone this is someone who knew you for years and then they just silently watch as you do a whole bunch of really interesting things in your life including moving to china and so it's starting a new job and starting you did going to baking school like you went through a whole bunch of things without ever saying one word to you and then oh here's my chance to judge you here's my chance to denigrate you and snub you about something in your personal life that they know nothing about like i'm going to denigrate yeah now now i'm going to write to you and yeah yeah the funny thing was too i know it's kind of unrelated but uh she she was vegetarian and she as far as i know is still vegetarian so she might be interested just in talking about like well wow you went vegan you know like after you graduated from high graduation from college after i knew you you became vegan right um like maybe there would be some some discussion of this this is supposed to matter yes um but no she just you know was indicating to me that she's she's concerned about my well-being because she thinks i'm in a bad relationship and i just i think you're underselling it okay you said the conversation being hostile i mean look she basically called you insane right yeah right right right right no but like you know no but i mean also this thing with like phandar not being able to perceive he's done something wrong and vegan foot soldier not being able to perceive anything and even somebody like ask yourself they're not perceiving themselves as doing something wrong when they're doing something that's clearly immoral clearly damaging and so on you know to go after someone publicly or privately and claim that they are an abuser that they are like it's such a vague insinuation it's such a vague allegation you can never clear your name i don't know how we can live in a society where you don't think it is a morally significant act to tell someone not to ask them but to tell someone that their husband or their four-year boyfriend is a criminal is doing something criminal and that and in this case it's absolutely they're telling you that you're the victim yeah when you've never complained about anything like this so it's not even it's not even an allegation that i've done something to someone else but to make that kind of tremendously serious tremendously damaging allegation and i realize some of these people make use of the paper-thin pretense that they're trying to help you but it's never convincing i mean it's always obvious within five seconds or within two sentences that their real agenda is this combination of self-righteous stupidity and malice you know i'm sorry because i remember the messages i mean she was trying to hurt you she's not trying to help you like it's taken a lot of i know i talk about personal growth but like i don't know what else to say like to to a lot of growing up a lot of like realizing that you know i have to stand up for myself and in these situations if somebody is is confrontational with me i have to recognize what's going on you know um like they are actually trying to start something with me whereas like i i am always like i'm uh inclined to to to not start a fight with somebody to try to be reasonable right so um you know in this situation like you were you're right she was she was uh she was trying to hurt you and whether or not she did it and i i know i distinctly remember this feeling like of just like this chill through my body this like sinking in the pit of my stomach like i'm in trouble like like they're calling me out on something you know like that to me is what i've been like struggling with when i you know when i was right becoming an adult somebody who's who's defending myself or like you know standing up for myself is just realizing like oh this is a moment where i need to like stand up for myself and most of the time it's just like i i just have trouble with this well i said look at the comments creative renewal says i'm really sorry that the discussion is based on actual experiences with an invasive audience but this is such an important conversation for viewers of chris thanks if you know anyone to share the link with share it and the video will be up permanently you know i'm just saying you don't have to watch it while it's happening i'm and i'm glad you see some you see some value but look you know i i'll come back to my major late motif in this video so you know that was one woman you were roommates with in college they weren't really close friends but they're familiar okay but part of the confrontation there is realizing how stupid she is how mean-spirited she is and how willing she is to hurt you when she has nothing to gain okay yeah when people are fighting to see who can get off a sinking ship i get it you know when people are fighting to get the last tickets so they can be the one who gets on the ship you know i get it like there are people who fight if we're all working together in real estate and we're being mean to each other because we're competing to see who can buy and sell certain houses i get it but dude like to me the darkest thing about that of all is that that woman had nothing to gain you know accept making herself feel better by hurting you and she may not be aware that that's what she's doing you know you know another point so babe this does what you it's going to seem like i'm talking about something i'm actually talking about her youtube channel also um this comes up with phandar but comes up with again vegan foot soldier is a great example too who are like i say to these people how is it possible that you have ignored so many meaningful and substantive topics on my youtube channel and melissa doesn't have as many videos as i do but it's still it's still an issue it's still a question right how is it possible that you've ignored a mountain of things that are worth talking about or even worth disputing maybe even worth us having a like a confrontation about just to pick this one thing that has to do with my sex life you know what i'm just going to see like you know like you know so i can say to phandar like and he never answers this you know why is it you've never talked to me about doing humanitarian work whether in cambodia or laos or syria or afghanistan do you have no interest in that you have nothing humanitarian in you i talk about that a lot why is it you've never talked to me about reading aristotle and thucydides and building up some kind of deep appreciation for classical greek you know political philosophy why is it you've never talked to me about the history of the american constitutional and legal tradition that's something i've read a lot about because the large part of my book i'm writing a book really the last five chapters or something are all about the american constitution it's a lot of philosophizing but constitutional but like with this chick this this woman you knew in college who's sending you hate mail about this [ __ ] i can ask all the same questions but it's even worse because she knows you in real life face to face so you know well you know melissa made a huge decision in her life to start learning chinese and she made a decision to go to athens like it could be anything like okay gee wasn't it interesting going to athens greece and seeing the ancient ruins where people like socrates used to walk you know what i mean nope no interest no curiosity and also there are things you've said that are you know edgy or provocative or extreme you've had you know opinions on different on different issues no it's just i'm i'm saying they may not be conscious of it it's just oh here's my chance to hurt you like sorry sir i don't know if you want to talk yeah yeah go go okay i think that's part of it i'm just saying there it's it's not just that they're abusive and trying to hurt you on this issue it's that they're silent about every other issue right some of which you may be wrong about like maybe you deserve criticism about your views on afghanistan but like that was yeah that was probably what i was saying like i i've i've experienced this also with other people that they haven't even they haven't even reached out to me on the most like the easiest way to reach out to somebody who's on the internet like if you're already friends with them on facebook or if you're if you're following each other on instagram like they didn't message me you know we were on a group together that was like specifically for the people that we knew each other in college right this facebook group right so like you know she knew me um but she didn't try to keep in touch with me at all so yeah and one thing that i wanted to say in response to what you were you were talking about this this uh making it seem like they're trying to help you yes this i've really had to see through like no this is not what's happening um even if they say that they're trying to help you and they're just trying they're just trying to help they're just trying to be helpful no right um and it's actually malice that's actually cruel to you yeah this happens between like men between men but it happens i think more between women oh and men talking to women a lot oh white knighting yeah sure men who want to rescue him that event with joe best joe best was like trying to save you from this relationship yeah yeah way back then it's easy to forget now yeah i remember yeah yeah people can't change unless they recognize that they're doing something wrong and like these people they really actually are unaware yeah that what they're doing is intentionally trying to hurt someone again sometimes this is private communication but a lot of time it's public that you're making youtube videos claiming this stuff you're making like in the case of fandog you're engaging in a four-year long harassment and defamation campaign occasionally with threats and other features and and you know again i wrote to the guy like you know okay some people hate me but it's for some meaningful reason you hate me because of what i said about afghanistan or something okay let's all right that's it we can just maybe we can talk about that and again see that's season one that's my old mentality that's okay maybe i can overcome that with kindness right but like one by one i think each of us gives up on overcoming hostility with kindness each of us gives up on being reasonable with unreasonable people and our expectations for human nature shift to where you fundamentally expect everyone frankly to be the same kind of malignant [ __ ] as this girl you went to college with and let's just say she's not mentally disabled she's not you know she does she's not autistic she's not you know you know what i mean like like in many ways she's a normal person and that's what's terrifying to me is that this is normal when you get to know these people this is this is the new normal to what extent was she conditioned to regard that as normal through this whole internet culture of harassment and defamation just being a sport just being a you know a past time yeah i i wonder that too like i can i can think back to being quite young being on the internet and having this different interaction with people online versus when you see them in school yeah i remember feeling this this very different uh sense of responsibility when you're actually having a confrontation with somebody like in person and wanting to avoid that but like online it seems like that's where people think that they can unleash this kind of confrontational uh yeah energy that they have but it's still real life you know you're still what what's being talked about on the internet is still happening it never occurred to me that like 90 of the email i would get saying email any community facebook messages whatever would be about my sex life you know what i mean like you know and like you know like maybe i don't know what percentage did you expect it's like no i'm going to interpret this as evidence that you know this is a controlling abusive relationship and and guys like i wish i could tell you that's like counterbalanced by meaningful criticism of any kind like that's counterbalanced by like debates about vegan politics or aristotle or afghanistan yeah but it isn't like what what being on the internet this shows you is that those stupid malicious people they are the vast majority you know i i played a lot of video games growing up so i i know this i know it's very well that people have online interactions that are extremely hostile um [Music] on my you know headphones headsets microphone sets um so yeah i do think you're right and that people are training themselves from a young age to engage this way with people right when that would be very unusual even for playing sports even for playing cards with you know that's right kind of interaction that we're training people to have the thing that bothered me the most about that is that this this girl this uh young woman who messaged me when we knew each other i never had any confrontation with her and it's not it's not that i don't want that you know like i think that that would have been good for my development had i had some kind of big blowout with one of my girlfriends in in college you know like if if i would have had a confrontation that we we got angry at each other and then worked through it and decided to like you know still be friends one of us either one of us whoever's in the wrong we make amends and then and then move forward like that that to me like that is what friendship is supposed to be about like you can have disagreements you can have like fights even and move past that and even be like better for it you can be stronger for it but i didn't even have that like the relationships that i had with with those friends like they were so surface level that i didn't you know she wouldn't have said that stuff to my face it was like only through messaging that that they're able to do that that's what you're training with yes with these maybe not just video games but like online chat forums right so more generally there's also this thing of treating people as disposable and easily replaceable and that your actions and what you say have no long-term consequences you know yeah yeah that was another thing i was thinking of yeah yeah like so this woman who's known you since you were in college together yeah so what do you think happens next like you say this to me now what do you think happens next what do you think happens next 10 years because this consequence is forever yeah like right yeah oh yeah it's not it's not like it's a meaningful relationship but it's a relationship it's someone you've known someone you could still know you know for sure yeah well after this too there was another roommate who messaged me when i talked about pet ownership yeah she said this was the most insane uh dangerous concept she'd ever heard and that i'm i've been brainwashed and all this horrible stuff um yeah that was a similar situation but her response at the very end of the whole confrontation was to say thank you next like you know like totally treating me as completely disposable like like all those years i knew you were nothing like i was just some stranger to you the whole time i really admire that you want to reach out to people and that you you did have this this innate kind of wanting to make things better with another person even when they've been hostile to you because like to try to set the relationship on a better footing that i think is disappearing more and more like people just want to like cut things off they say like oh cut off communication never speak again like that's the only way you're going to get past this issue like whereas isn't there some other option like why does it have to be we'll never we have this horrible conflict and we never speak again um right that's like how everybody treats each other online it's like oh i'll never see you again block i can just block you forever so i think i think there are many reasons to be kind and to be reasonable to be rational with people you know but like one of them is that you are training yourself right like you are learning how to deal with this so you know yes i have the delusion that i can help other people become better people by working through these conflicts and misconceptions with them right and i think like any one example there actually are like you can take a specific like look you see what you did there you see the way you convinced yourself of something that's completely impossible but you know you see the like the the error you made your reasoning like i do think i can help people i can help the other person but like no matter how crazy or no matter how irrational by really breaking down for them look this is the way in which you're being irrational and i'm wrong i know you know obviously this is there's helping other people but i mean there's also the hope that you're helping yourself that you're becoming a better person by ministering unto others you know what i mean yeah yeah so you want to say like and again you don't get that playing video games no yeah i think it's like i want to deal with your misconceptions partly to help you with your misconceptions and i also want to help me become a master of dealing with human misconceptions it's quite different than the video game mindset because the video game mindset is i can quit this game rage quit like i can get so pissed off with this person yeah and just say like [ __ ] this game like this is pissing me off too much like you can turn it off like a machine you know um but no people are not automatons they're you know you have to in these relationships you know this is your one chance you know like you yeah like in each interaction that you have with this person you're either building the relationship you're either moving forward and like and and creating something positive together or yeah you're not that's been a sad lesson for me to learn is that like i have to be closed off to something people like right i used to think like oh i can just share with you know you're my friend like i can talk to you about my life like people will use certain things that you say and also on the internet you know like oh i can't like be honest because people will take something that they see and and um create some kind of theory about my relationship with you or my past you know like what just anything you know and they have nothing to gain yeah they're just harming you they're just making the world a worse place and i don't know if they consciously are aware that they enjoy it or maybe they don't even enjoy it but i just want to reiterate i'm not talking about the difference between positive and negative here right like i'm happy to have people send me negative email negative you know what i mean but the point is have conversations that are reasonable rational you know i mean that that have a point where there's something inside the list you know what i mean like it was people you know communicate with you like criticizing one of my book reviews or something criticizing what i have to say about aristotle like oh okay this is substantive there's really something that's that's really about something but no um you know again what i see is the vast majority of the audience they're just looking for an opportunity to assassinate your character to make you seem like a terrible person who has terrible motivations yeah even when that would be completely meaningless so like one of so for now more than four years one of phandar's obsessions is to try to claim that i'm arrogant a lot of people on youtube are arrogant you know one of my competitors unnatural vegan is arrogant and she identifies as arrogant she describes herself that she talks about her own kind of arrogance and how that comes across on camera and she kind of talks about the advantage that this matters there you know now there are some good things about a natural vegan and there's some bad things about it but okay you know who else is ever going vegan gains vegan gains as hurricanes you know what i mean you know a lot of people are arrogant but you know if if you think i'm arrogant if you think my youtube channel is too arrogant for you gotta tell you something i'm being arrogant about really meaningful things here guys like you know like you know like the point is like i can accept but what are you going to win how does this justify a four year obsessive defamation and hate campaign how does it justify you putting in the time and effort this guy joined my patreon repeatedly in order to send insults and defamation within patreon this guy created at least three youtube channels i mean how many youtube accounts did he create like it may be over 100 like google accounts or gmail accounts he's created dozens of instagram accounts about what there is to win do you think the university professors are better like the people i was just talking to from university i don't think they're better i think they're the same as fandaar being real do you think the people living in this apartment building so if you guys don't know we made a video talking about my conflict with other people living in the same apartment building i think they have the exact same mentality as federer do you remember there was one guy so this is a facebook group for our park building and he's in the facebook group and he's making allegations about my sex life and my sexual character and there is not one word there's not one mention hey you know this guy also makes a lot of videos talking about aristotle thucydides ancient greece nope there's no mention of like oh this guy actually cares a lot about uh politics and history and you know whatever you know i mean yeah like no this it's exactly the same pattern we talked about with the friend so this is someone who lives i don't even know if a man face to face or not legitimately to this day i do not know if i met the guy face to face but this is someone who built it up in their own mind they were going to publicly announce me to the other people who are in the same gym with me and in the same hallways with me and go to the same mailbox with me that you are going to denounce me and defend me on this level on the basis of things you have made up about my sex life and that you've trolled around the internet and found evidence for on reddit you know what i mean like oh oh just look on reddit and see what that's like you know and i'm right here you're talking like i'm and you and like no matter how honest we are and by the way i did the same thing i did sorry that's a great example i did the overcoming uh you trying to overcome hostility with kindness you know trying to overcome cruelty with kindness i was kind and i wrote back to all those people again and again seeing the kindest and most positive things saying look if you want to talk to me you can talk about like if this is you know whatever he's going to say but like look i'm i'm here for it but like you know well yeah so so i'm just saying all those people are like fandar in real life like that's the [ __ ] thing we have more people in the audience saying they think phandar is is insane of course and a lot of people think he's he's mentally disturbed but he's mentally [ __ ] or what have you but like you mentally disabled but i'm telling you what if the internet is showing us the extent to which that's normal and unfortunately people people are willing people who have the self-discipline and motivation to be reasonable are in this tiny minority and we're the people who write books and make history like we're over-represented and we're we're the people fictional tv shows are about tv shows are not made about losers like fandom they're not made about losers like your friend from university they're not no i mean any tv show the actual fictional characters you know they have a certain level of rationality and purpose and focus they don't do things for no reason they don't spit have you ever seen a movie that's about someone sitting at their computer you know trying to ruin somebody else's life for no for you know what i mean sorry oh i'm gonna spend the next three hours trying to get this guy to break up with his girlfriend or well i'm gonna spend the next four years something that i've tried to get melissa to break up how will you actually feel if you succeed in your you know plot to destroy somebody's life yes yeah yes of course that reddit post that's going to haunt you know yeah yeah yeah right or reputation for the rest of your life apparently because there's there's no there's no way to rectify this like people can say whatever they want on reddit about you and that's just going to stay up forever you know doesn't the person who made that post feel some sense of like responsibility for the impact that that's had on your life that like just looking up your name like that's going to show up and and people who you know know me too like if they're right that bothers you in a way it doesn't bother me so i don't want to depress how i feel about it but do you want to talk about how you feel about that because i've before you ever met me you emailed me about that i remember you emailed me basically saying like look isil i know you're such a good person and what you're doing youtube is so positive important but here's the reality when you google your name you get this awful you know post on reddit yeah and everything in it is fault like you could go through it line by line and it's all lies and misrepresentation right you know saying that bother you from day one but i mean maybe you feel differently about it now but like i don't see it your way at all why don't you talk about it all right well in your own life in mind and in the overlap because it's mostly about the overlapping right so there was a podcast that was run by two vegan women and i joined their facebook group and at some point the topic came up some topic came up and it made sense to share one of your videos yeah and it was something really specific i forget if it was like how leather is produced or how uh how palm oil is produced with something quite specific like that right whatever it doesn't matter but it was something i made a very so it was the specific topic and i made the video on that yeah right so i mean i shared this with a kind of like you know sense of like oh like you're talking about this issue like this is relevant and this is somebody talking about this in a you know down-to-earth [Music] interesting way you know like this will this will be entertaining in some ways uh and just it was sad for me to see the responses that uh you know just saying like oh that guy i think i think uh you know he's a creep or like and i was like oh why they're like oh i just googled his name and you know like this is the kind of thing that comes up right and i was like and and more stuff about the durian writer thing like i felt like oh well no if you actually listen to those videos like you'll know what happened in that case and that like the situation is is not what you're thinking and she was just like you know and i was and i was like sharing some links and she was like oh i don't have time for that like right i would i would go crazy if i tried to watch all those videos okay so you don't have time to like watch these videos but you do have time to like pass judgment and like spread that i'm just gonna defame this guy probably yeah god i hate that term too like what does it even mean like anyway um defame or what no creep oh creep hole oh he's a grief yeah um yeah yeah i have definite knowledge these groups yeah but how do you how do you feel with her how do you see that now okay because everyone knows it's still part of no that was that was then but now for now now now i think it's in a way it has kind of been i'm not coming up with the words right now but like it's it's a kind of like threshold for what people are willing like i don't wanna yeah i don't wanna say that it's a way for me to gauge somebody's uh intelligence like if they can look if they can actually read into this and see like wow this is stupid and like this is not these allegations are you know clearly just made out of thin air like there's nothing to them if they can look past that and see like the the value and isil's like content what he what he produces on on the internet and like what he's actually done with his life and like the value in all of his history which again people aren't talking about like this it's not about yours ignoring everything else everything about about my life everything else about my journal and everything else even about our relationship like what we're doing or whatever like what makes relationship work whether you see that in terms of us like there was a time when we wanted to open a vegan bakery together or like whatever was going on nope no interest yeah okay so we have a we have an incredibly intelligent person in the audience so why don't you talk to me over there so uh uh inyenzi okay says quote this strikes me as an abusive relationship comma there's clearly a power disparity between like a 40 year old and a 20 year old you two aren't equal it's like a kid looking for approval from her dad very creepy close quote okay so look at the moment he made that comment you were just speaking in a completely like mature highly motivated like assertive way that shows actually a lot of your like at that moment you were kind of on a rant but you said you could actually see what a forceful self-confident character melissa was at the moment you said that please don't ask you one how old do you think melissa is and then two how dare you treat adult women like infants when when does it stop when is it that when you stop and vandalizing women and like when you stop again like sorry like if if melissa was actually incredibly shy or like mentally disabled like so melissa's 28 years old okay now if you're talking about a 28 year old with down syndrome and they're really limited like oh like i don't know which thing but like melissa was just going on a rant where she is she's actually showing how much character and how much just independence she has if you think if you think she doesn't yell at me she does like if you don't think she's a forceful character who really speaks up for herself and really pushes me around stuff you just saw her in the middle of it you typed that while she was ranting forcefully so i mean some other video like people were talking about something sad maybe you're a little bit mopey nope you just saw what she's like this is as real as it gets so she's like when she's slightly pissed off she gets more pissed off like you know it wasn't you at like that wasn't you at a nine out of ten okay but you just saw that this is such a forceful you know where did the guy go in nancy where'd you go bro so talk to me like and even this comment saying that you're you're looking for that wasn't true at all that's not true of anything you've said in this whole discussion like this characterization of you so you know and again all these other issues come up even packed in within this this comment and miniature like you know stop stop i have a whole playlist called this stop treating women like infants stop it it's a 28 year old adult woman when do people start like when do people start being responsible for their own decisions in life yeah when when do you start take seriously start taking seriously what she says as evidence now look take it seriously either way if melissa says that her life is miserable and terrible take it seriously you know what i mean like that's like you know she's telling you her perspective maybe she's wrong like you know yeah but but it's her perspective like you know if if but if melissa is telling you her life is wonderful and her relationship with me is wonderful and whatever she's talking about all these things going on why would you disregard that invent a mythology in your own mind and then treat that as more real than all this [ __ ] evidence and all this stuff about all the meaningful content we've turned out over the last four and a half years okay so in yeah has commented no no no okay so right so we just talked about this for more than ever so here's here's a super intelligent comment quote do you guys wonder why multiple people have made this same point though okay in yenzi do you have any idea how many anti-semitic comments i've received on this channel do you remember do you have any idea how many comments i received from literal neo-nazis what do you think there are more of people who believe neo-nazi conspiracy theories or people who believe this horseshit you made up in your own mind like dude you're stupid neo-nazis in a very different way are stupid and neo-nazis are people who take their stupidity and malice and you know they do have little bits and pieces of evidence they disregard mountains of evidence in order to pick up a molehill and say oh look you know my crazy theory is you know has more evidence to support it than what's taught in high school textbooks like dude i have dealt with the most extreme idiots on the internet for years i'm sorry we didn't even mention communism in this video do you have any idea what email email and communications and comments i get from communists from fascists from vegans from muslims i critique the muslim faith i've gotten you know every religious group christians you know whatever because i'm an atheist so i criticize those groups and yes yes y'all from crazy vegans but like in yenzi like can't you recognize that just like a neo-nazi no matter what evidence we show you no matter what she says you are going to disregard it and you are going to reinforce a theory you invented in your head nobody else invented it nobody provided you with any reason that you made it something wrong and the question i want to ask you is why what do you get out of it like do you feel good believing this and saying this to me because i assume you believe it like i assume you're not just saying like does this do you feel proud of yourself do you do you feel powerful or strong because like it's so ridiculous it's i know it's so it's so clearly contrary to everything and you don't feel so i mean before you're talking i'm just going to come back to something you were saying a little bit earlier babe yeah but i was i alluded to the fact that i feel very differently about these things than melissa does like the comments on on reddit and what have you and this just the kind of absolute lie made up on the internet right the main way i feel is this i have personal integrity i can show you what it means to have personal integrity but i can't have personal integrity for you i can't have personal integrity for anyone else now a great example of that working out positively is durianrider right i showed durianrider now he has all this respect for me he used to hate me he has a ton of respect from you so i i was like look i have personal integrity i'm not going to tell a lie i'm not going to do anything immoral at all not in my defense and not to hurt him so during writer made up lies about me but when other people made up lies against durianrider consistently i defended him i spoke the truth even though i know some very bad things with him right and by the way i do know private secret things about dorian writer's sex life that i've never said on the internet i did back then and i still didn't have it like back then i knew there were things i knew quote unquote dirt on the guy and i don't believe it's gossip it's not worth it you know i knew people to say i knew people close to him is an understatement okay i had i knew terrible things about him that were told to me by people people who slept in the same room as him okay and i never once said any of them on the internet because i have personal integrity and then when there were people making up lies about him that i knew to be lies i stood up and said hey look guys this is the truth i showed him and i showed everyone what it means that person theory so i feel completely fine about myself but the question i have for someone like you in yenzi is don't you feel bad about yourself like if it makes you feel good to come on and harass someone like her and the moment you came on she was speaking in this totally self-confident highly motivated that shows you what she as a 28 year old woman is like my question is you know what you know what do you feel don't you regret don't you look at yourself in the mirror and feel that you know feel that you're lacking some kind of personal integrity [Applause] [Music] do [Music] do [Music] you