Being "Good at Sex" (Who, Really, Is An Expert?)

hey beautiful people my name is Brittany
and I'm Connor and today we're going to be answering a question how often do we have sex and maybe we can say like how often do we engage in sex play because I'm gonna just include like oral sex and horse yeah there's lots of fun anything sexy and fun fun play that we get into I guess probably most of the time we end up having intercourse but not all the time I think five times a week yeah I think five times a week yeah five times in a seven-day week yeah two outstanding features of people seeking advice and people receiving advice on the Internet in the 21st century the first is that nobody really knows what kind of credentials what kind of qualifications what kind of experience they should be looking for and when they seek out advice they may not even consciously give any thought to it consider for example someone who goes onto a discussion forum like Facebook or reddit feeling upset about their own relationship thinking they're going to break up with their boyfriend they're gonna break up with their girlfriend and without really questioning anyone's credentials or background they simply look for the experiences of other people who have been through a breakup other people who are heartbroken they tell their own story and ask for comments or look at other people's stories that are posting the Internet what do those people know that you don't know what kind of qualifications or experience do they have to offer and how would you verify that there's a couple who's least well-known within veganism and perhaps famous or infamous with in Chiang Mai Thailand and the vegan scene there and for several years now they've been making videos giving advice to people on their sex lives I mean it's a poorly constructed sense I'm up for it um I guess the easiest way to talk about sexuality on the Internet is to disclaim that you're not offering advice to others that what you're saying is not prescriptive merely descriptive and that it's entirely anecdotal and you're just examining your own heart your own experiences in life good bad indifferent but of course it's inevitable that in general the most popular the most powerful the most influential channels are the ones that do the opposite they're the channels that either overtly or implicitly claim to have some kind of special expertise and that overtly or implicitly are often our offering for you really prescriptive forms of advice the fact that you've been through heartbreak the fact that your own relationship may have been a disaster say does that qualify you to help someone else with their heartbreak with their breakup if you've been through many breakups does that really help you to give advice on someone else's bad relationship or breakup conversely what if you've never been through a breakup what if you had a series of really positive relationships that ended on a really positive note is your success in relationships puts you in a good position to counsel people so this becomes even more difficult for people to talk about clearly when we move past the broad question of relationships or love and dating and actually start talking about sex and that's exactly where this couple has managed to become famous this brings back to the second point I started off by saying there were two points here I was gonna say that were strange and that is how evasive and vague people get on YouTube I think instinctually without planning or scripting in advance they suddenly become very vague and in fusca Tory whenever they have to deal with words that really would indicate one way or another what their qualifications are put it this way when they start to deal with the difficult questions that some people in the audience maybe 30% of the audience maybe 50% you don't know that some portion of the audience would regard as qualifying them or disscourn following them to give advice on stop it a lot of people get the sense when I share or when they see that I have open undefined relationships that I'm off having sexual connections with lots of different people and while sometimes I am having sexual connections with many different people it's not the only reason that I choose this it's an important reason it's also not the only reason some people find it surprising to hear that I don't have intercourse with a lot of people even like even if I'm saying I have sexual connections a lot of people doesn't mean I'm saying like I'm having sexual intercourse with them so so the sexual connection is definitely a part of it the intimate connections the emotional connections the freedom to have whatever sort of connection that I want to with somebody that they also want to with me and for us to really link up in those areas the times that they're resonating with us people sometimes ask me like who are you attracted to what kind of like are you attracted to males or you talk to just females are you attracted to what kind of people and the answer is I I'm attracted to all humans that I feel attracted to in those moments does it mean that someone is highly qualified if they've had many many partners if you've met people who've done huge numbers that's the parlance of our times doing numbers you'll know they're people who lead very peculiar lives by a very peculiar set of rules the man I met who had slept with the largest number of women in his life as a whole one of the crucial elements of his daily life was lying when I knew him he was single he had been married several times and after I gotten to know him he confided in me that in plain English he lied to all his wives how did he say this said he never lied to any of his wives and his rationale was as follows he claimed that while he was married he never had an emotional relationship with any other woman he had sex with innumerable one behind his wife's backs and lied to the woman he was sleeping with and lighters what lied to everyone lied to himself but from his perspective he had never betrayed them never weapon down and he wasn't lying when he told them no there's nobody else in my life the only person I love is you because his reasoning was sex and emotional relationships are two completely different things and that he wasn't betraying anyone he worked in hotels during those years when he was Mary worked in the tourism industry even if you have a very humble job in the tourism industry you tend to cross paths with people who are trying to have a good time in a short time you disproportionately people who are interested in a short term fling and indeed that's part of the dynamic not quite unique to Chiang Mai Thailand Chiang Mai Thailand if you're hanging out with tourists who were there that's one of the social dynamics you're encountering all the time now one of the interesting fragments of the insell discourse on human sexuality is also the fact that most of the people who set themselves up as authorities on dating romance love human sexuality and ultimately the act of sex itself they claimed expertise just on the basis of being able to seduce a large number of partners how many partners have we experienced Polly with or how many poly relationships that we have I can think about that on my own for a moment I keep a list of such things I mean I don't have a list of the partners but I do like to keep a list of both of our sexual interactions twelve you must have more than three three year I mean I don't necessarily consider all of my sexual interactions partners okay that makes sense yeah that's true there's definitely a few in there that word kind of like just kind of sexual connections that's a good point I would say that on average it's something like three three a year maybe that have like significance to the point of some form of partnership that would qualify that as yeah what about you I think that's probably pretty similar for me I think we tend to have about the same amount new partners they claim expertise just on the basis of being able to seduce a large number of partners and we all know that can reflect things like just the shape of your face how good-looking you happen to be how you're perceived in the society are born into indeed in almost every society ethnicity wealth social class your job those things will matter too but above all else your appearance so already here we have two factors that would in many cases make someone's advice or expertise irrelevant to you if they were extraordinarily good-looking are they really going to be able to give good advice to someone who is of average appearance or someone who's slightly ugly or someone who maybe is really extremely ugly would they be able to really sympathize with understand and give relevant relationship dating life advice to someone who has very strong disadvantages in exactly the areas that they consider not just an advantage but they consider as part of their qualifications as some kind of sexual expert and as I was alluding to with my friend who had worked in hotels and who'd slept with an unbelievable large number of women there are moral aspects yes generally it's women and not men who are condemned for this but men are condemned partially enough I suppose or are you willing to lie to people are you willing to sleep with people you don't find attractive are you willing to pretend you have things in common you don't really have in common with them how sincere and sincere are you how deep or shallow are you and how moral or immoral are you and yes there are many different moral standards in different societies and different individuals subscribe to different world standards but nevertheless ultimately there are foggy night questions of how much morality matters to you just as there were questions of to what extent to aesthetics matter to you that man I knew who had done enormous numbers so for the huge huge number of women he had slept with a huge number of ugly women I met women he had in the past seduced who to me were strikingly ugly at the time we parted way as we stopped being friends just because of geography we stopped living in the same city at the time we parted ways the woman who was his full-time live-in committed girlfriend was so ugly I wouldn't have slept with her if she paid me well in order to get his numbers that high he both had to lower his standards in terms of the types of women he was pursuing and he lowered obviously the standards he held himself to in terms of moral conduct integrity honesty consistency so on and so forth so they sure clip of plate from this couple who put themselves forward onto the market and you know to some extent I have to admire the audacity they put themselves forward in the market as offering advice on sex as being the old-fashioned term sex berths from my perspective this admission from them that they have sex as a couple fewer than five times a week I think five times a week yeah yeah five times in a seven-day week yeah they have five engagements or forms of play a very strange humanism so fewer than five times a week they have penetrative sex and they present themselves not merely as competent authorities on this that has sexual athletes as extraordinarily accomplished extraordinarily potent people who are not only extraordinarily happy within their own relationship but whoever lives with others polyamory open relationships in service cetera here's a rare example of me popping in with the comments on take two and editing this topic is not difficult for me to be honest about but it's difficult for me to talk about without insulting other people so look I've been trying to in a somewhat philosophical way raise this question of how do you think the numbers relate to whether or not someone's in a position to give this kind of advice I've already said publicly on the Internet to use a very different set of numbers I have experience having sex more than 10 times in a day and more importantly I have experience giving women more than 104 gasm Sunday more than hundred female orgasms not a hundred male orgasms I'd like to think that's impossible and if it's possible I'd only want to try it but I have experience with high high numbers and I can point to this and say hey in some sense I'm good at sex or and here's a caveat maybe I'm good at finding people who are really compatible with me who are partners who can reach those kind of numbers who can have that kind of experience when they're with me see what a different way that is to frame it but I'm not out here asking people to pay $19.99 a month for my advice I'm not deluding myself or others that this would be a qualification to give objectively useful advice to others interesting isn't it would you value their advice more if they did much much higher numbers or like the people who are extraordinarily good-looking would that make their advice less applicable to you do they really know what they're talking about in pretending to know what a good relationship is or even what good sex is with this type of simple crucial America love measure and why is it that things get so vague and so spiritual whenever the conversation does roll around to the question of what their relationships with others really are the internet rewards dishonesty at both ends of the equation it seems to sort of reward the audience for their self-deception and the hosts the person behind the camera them your phone for deceiving you there's a kind of very strange dance of mutual flattery where people only seek out advice which is already the advice they want to hear people who are heartbroken go onto message forums Facebook reddit and only want to hear things from other heartbroken people that affirm their own delusions of grandeur or their own pathos what have you how is it that learning is supposed to take place and could it be that some of the people who consider themselves experts extraordinary athletes could it be that they have more to learn from the audience they presume to teach dad that [Music] five times a week