Open Relationships, How To (vs. Onision)

you will never be shallow enough no
matter how hard you try to be shallow and tell yourself that you only care about a pretty face and you only care about money and you only care about having great sex you don't you care about all kinds of things you care about your own dignity your own pride your own sense of leading a meaningful life your objectives to make the world a better place even if you think you don't if you support me on patreon you will know that I'm actually very much open to suggestions for video topics that I answer questions to come from fans sometimes they get a single-line comment from one of my supporters and it becomes a 40 minute video and I just ask my girlfriend is there anything on your mind girlfriends are sitting with you off camera is there anything on your mind you'd want me to make a video about and she pointed out astutely that I have made many many videos warning about the dangers in open relationships in so-called polyamory I have a lot of videos about this that has this kind of cautionary if not castigating tone when talking about open relationships so much so that I have viewers who watch the channel for years who are then shocked to find out that I'm in an open relationship and then I'm in favor of open relationship generally several people watched Channel four years didn't know that and I was like oh like did you not read like the description below that video as I stated really bluntly but I mean this is a kind of a recurring motif for me in many ways because like I talked about a vegan diet and vegan activism but a lot of what I'm saying is really cautionary it's really getting to the the moral of the story I'm like here's what you have to be worried about I don't do uncritical cheerleading for ecological activism for vegan activism for animal rights even on issues like war and peace you know we talk about foreign policy so we've just gone through this whole epoch of you know the war in Syria at no point was I simply cheerleading for one side or another I wasn't just saying war to Sainte peace or just saying intervention or the same against its there's there's sort of cautionary toned everything I say about these things and I'd like to thank a sort of analytical tone now look guys it may be that I'd have more YouTube viewers if I had this kind of cheerleading quality of my videos but I actually do not make my content for the stupidest 60% I don't want to cater to those people I don't want to cater to the people who just you know or here on the internet looking for excuses for their own bad behavior or looking to you know mmmmmm who are looking for cheerleaders maybe we can leave it at that so on the other hand um I think there's an interesting sort of hypocrisy and what's going on right now with the criticism of venecia right where as the Internet is want to do people have simply taken it too far um there's really no point in criticizing anisia and his you know failure of an open relationship you know bizarre and morally disturbing elements of his own relator there's no point criticizing it if you actually think the guy is a monster there's a point in criticizing it if you look at this guy and think wow he is human all too human and there's something for all of us to learn in the analysis of where he went wrong right but as my girlfriend said it's just inside with this video she said well you really haven't said a whole lot about how open relationships can go right what can be positive about them what could be good about them and by the way my marriage to my first wife was indeed an open relationship I mean for better and it do us I was about to say for better for us I came said just for better period it was just that was a completely positive aspect of that relationship in my opinion looking back on it now so I do at least have the experience of making that open relationship work and I have experienced me this relationship work so it's not merely abstract and philosophical murmurs what do I think initiate is doing wrong most fundamentally and most generally well okay there mm-hmm there are two aspects to that this video is supposed to be positive rather than negative you know one is I think this guy he's really just utterly lacks the humility and maturity to love anyone and to communicate things in terms of love and that shows most of all in the aftermath when these relationships end almost every time and it doesn't matter but the age of the woman some of these women were older someone's been yet relatives women who are over 20 and so on and the minute their relationship ends he's coming on YouTube and denouncing these people and hating them and defaming really serious defamation really blackening their character saying they're a terrible person saying they have terrible hygiene so and so forth and it's like bro you really love this woman okay and he'll he'll admit that himself he breaks down weeping and says that also he also says that he was in love with these people and so on and dude you know take her huh with all of her positive qualities and her negative qualities you chose her you fell in love with her it's on you so there was just no room for this blackening and defamation character no that's a symptom of the problem with it it's a and that's a symptom of his immaturity of how self-centered he is how short-term is thinking is of how I think you can say genuinely exploited if he is you know really should other people meaning that he just wants to use them for his own gratification and then as soon as he discards them he's like a very small child throwing away a toy with contempt that no longer amuses him it's a very disturbing you know side of his character but again I'm here discussing this not to just condemn him or something not to call him a monster but that's kind of what can we learn from this so another kind of subtly disturbing element of this is when he speaks positively of these women which is rare it's mostly denunciation and defamation that you get from the guy but when he speaks positively of them what does he have to say what's what's positive and you find him saying things like when he first met Billy what he really appreciated about her was that they played video games together they played Earth Defense Force together he has really positive memories of that and you know he hadn't played earth defense forced anyone else and his his wife no husband you know really didn't really wasn't into that particular feeling so he really appreciated the time he spent playing earth defense words this girl in other cases it's very clear that he had nothing in common with these women absolutely nothing they were they were simply a girl with a pretty face on the internet there was absolutely nothing else in common there now I want to be clear it's not illegal it's not illegal to be shallow and there's never gonna be a law in any culture anywhere in the world saying that you can't be shallow like not even I can't even think of writing a science fiction novel about a parallel universe but the government decides to be there are some people both men and women straight and gay all they care about is a pretty face and you know what my role in this video is to tell you that you really ought you really ought to care about more than a pretty face you really ought to care about more than physical beauty and I think that is the most fundamental profound and important thing to making an open relationship work because the same thing that makes a close relationship work right so you guys notice my girlfriend is now 27 years old I'm 41 alright it's a huge age gap why was it worth doing why was it worth taking the risk why was it worth struggling to make the relationship work for years it's been a look oby Blum with you it's been damaging for me I would really say I have endured a lot of psychological damage this relationship really of topic for another video okay I've had a lot of sorrow and a lot of agony and a lot of damage what was justification that can never be justified by a pretty face right you're never going to endure misery for others and self-sacrifice and do things to help them and do things educate them and do things to help their whatever it is you're never going to endure all of the bad things in a relationship and you're never going to commit yourself to working hard to help others new from your from your part the kind of self-sacrificing good things you are never going to do that for a pretty face a pretty face it's never gonna be enough and a guy like ignition totally thoughtlessly like he's not thinking about the consequences of - you know he kind of demonstrates that he kind of proves that point in a weird way right because with all these women he wants sex with them he also wants to kind of exploit them as his live-in babysitter which another really dark element of it that they move in and take care of his kids and sit in his couch and play video games but that is it he's not in any way giving and positive and supporting and loving there's there is nothing else dude he's not capable and those because that's all he values about them that's all the common ground they've got now you know my perspective is it's his fault because he chose them you know and I said that now years ago with Billy it's like look dude it doesn't matter that she has a history as a drug user because you chose her you knew that about her and you chose her you know what I mean doesn't matter she was I think a high school dropout there so this litany of moral faults moral and intellectual faulty moment she's stupid everything yeah I am you chose her you committed to love her and support her and build a life with her and stuff so it's on you you knew all this bad stuff negative throwing it back in her face again it's like this child throwing a tantrum and throwing away a toy this toy isn't fun anymore I don't want to really be mad at the toy for failing to amuse you this very shallow very why endure all this suffering and misery with Melissa it's because we really have meaningful common ground okay we have things in common that aren't just personal traits they're not just adjectives that describe us they're actually ambitions we're looking forward to the future the type of work we want to do have a difference you want to make in the world okay so again one example just being brief here one obvious example is veganism right being vegan isn't just an adjective doesn't just describe me does just describe my diet right it's tied to a whole lot of concerns and feelings and sensitivities it's also tied to positive aspirations when you look at the future what I want to do what kind of world I want to live in in fact I'd say there are many many others you guys probably know I'm almost obsessive about the history of genocide slavery colonialism the way Kant of Canada the United States Australia these types of countries were really created by genocide last night it was talking on the phone with that for about an hour with a friend allocates it comes a full time you know it really is something very important what my girlfriend also shares that okay that's not just the way we view history it's also the way we view the present and our role in this culture and the way we look at the future it shapes you this is meaningful common ground okay you will stay together and you will work together and you'll have a meaningful relationship because you have those things in common a pretty the prettiest face imaginable is never going to be pretty enough it's never gonna justify any of that okay I just think of this is a random comparison but it's true I would say the same thing about money okay whether it's a woman who's with a man for his money or a man with the one the money will never be enough it will never fulfill you it will never compensate you for the denigration you go through in a relationship the sense of humiliation and upset and heartbreak and second lecture all the things you endure right the money you can't say oh well but he's got money or but she's got money the money will never or compensate you for that it will never be enough right and I will take a further step if you guys watch the channel you know I have an extremely good sex life even so the sex will never be enough sex alone the the best sex imaginable the best sex possible on planet earth it's both that the sex will never be meaningful enough and you know what I mean this you will never be shallow enough no matter how hard you try to be shallow and tell yourself that you only care about a pretty face and you only care about money and you only care about having great sex you don't you care about all kinds of things you care about your own dignity your own pride your own sense of leading a meaningful life your objectives to make the world a better place even if you think you don't I mean trust me guys who just spend their whole lives playing football and stuff all of those guys have some kind of sense of moral purpose and mission in their lives that's integral to their own sense of dignity you know they have their own cultural social religious political values that make them who they are those values may not be challenged often enough for them to really come out and voice them explain that to you but sure so I just say everyone has their own sense of dignity and so on and that's gonna get trampled on in everybody's gonna get challenged it's gonna get impinged upon okay and when you're talking about an open relationship then it's gonna get challenged and impinge upon from multiple directions at the same time you're gonna be dealing with stresses and bruised egos and unexpected you know you're gonna be dealing with heartbreak on at least a triangular basis instead of just a two-sided pieces of the equation and again we can learn from an essence example someone who's very naive might look and say well okay right one guy two girls they're all busy taking care of the kids they got a good income from YouTube what's the problem what indeed is the problem the problem is not that a nishan is a monster the problem is that he is human all too human and you get to see the tragedy of human nature play out in these relationships okay so my my positive message about having a great sex life whether it's an open relationship sex life or it's a closed relationship monogamous sex life really comes down to the idea that when you're when you're pursuing sexual gratification your top priority should not be sexual gratification does that sound surreal I don't think it is at all I think you know you should be someone going to a conference of other people who study ancient Greek philosophy saying wow I want to meet people who really have something in common with me whether something to do with ancient Greek philosophy in this case right maybe they're gonna be male and maybe they're gonna be female and maybe we're gonna be just friends and maybe we're gonna fall in love and maybe you know you say hey look this is my interest this is my aspiration this is my ambition in life and I want to meet people who share these values or share these ambitions or share this outlook and maybe some of them are going to sleep with me and some of them might be a one-night stand and then later you become just friends or some of the might be just friends and ten years from now you have sex you know it's like hey this is this is what I care about like this is who I am and I want to meet people who really overlap with that Amin boy and you know what then your memories of them will not be of sitting on the couch playing video games even if you've played video games that won't be the meaningful thing in your direction you know you'll have all this substantive meaningful stuff that drew you together that keep you keep you together they're the basis for the fresh of the basis for the sexual relationship right and any relationship you enter into whether it be open or closed is a judgment you're passing on yourself okay I once challenged a friend of mine this is years ago and he was the guy was older than me but he was a lot well he was a lot less on game when it came to relationships and I challenged it was said to him in your mind what is the difference between being with a good woman and a bad woman a woman who was not what what does it mean to you alright I was challenging him because it's like look this really isn't about sex if it were about sex you would be willing to sleep with any prostitute you find attractive any stripper anyone again this is relative to what he thinks is bad any woman you judge to be bad that guy he hated everyone who had tattoos it was just a personal thing anyone with that too as he just thought was an idiot and you could never be with a woman of tattoos you wouldn't care if a woman had tattoos you know whatever all these things that make someone better let's go to another extreme if you if it was about sex you'd be willing to have you'd be willing to sleep with someone who's an Orthodox Muslim Orthodox Christian someone who has totally different religious and moral views from you that I rank about with right if it's about sex that's just a sex it's not right the reason why you want to sleep with a good woman as you think of it is because who you sleep with is about who you really are it's passing judgment on you okay this is shallow and it's deep at the same time back when I was really deep into studying history of the Vietnam War but especially in Laos and Cambodia I remember it made to a friend of mine I met an attractive American woman white white American woman doesn't matter and you know she was interested in trying to see if leggo would fit into DUPLO if you know what I mean and I said to this friend of mine at a time I was reading all this stuff about crimes against humanity committed by the American army and so it was so deep into this stuff I said you know what I really don't know if I can be in a relationship with an American like this you know I really would feel embarrassed you know living here in Laos living with the bomb craters living and going there's every day I walk past the special Hospital for people who have one leg because the Americans blew up their play I was really limited it's like I just don't know if I could be in a rush it what it's the same thing why do you want to be with a good woman okay because it's judgment on me right it's Who I am if I'm walking around holding her arm you know arm in arm yeah this is my girlfriend she's American her father is in the US Marine Corps her brother is fighting in Iraq right now and she's let's just say hypothetically she's Republican and pro pro Army and Pro bombing what's so different you know if that's my lady if that's it's a judgment on me right our ideas of good and bad and so on you know pervade this whole this whole experience of sexuality all right so yeah I guess fundamentally you could say I'm a kind of optimist precisely because I believe sex is never only about sex all right it's always an inevitably about your moral values your highest aspiration the positive impact you want to make in the world and for that reason I think everyone can have a really meaningful sex life even if you're ugly or even if the people in your open relationship or are ugly too right living in a world dominated by Instagram and glossy magazines and movies and so on it may seem to you that having a pretty face is the most important thing in the world but it's not what's really important is having a meaningful connection with people so that when you're sitting on the couch or doing something more meaningful than just playing video games or even if you do play video games once in a while there's that depth and gravitas of the common ground you have your common aspirations the way you the way you look at the world all right you get to choose who you want to be and you get to choose who you want to be with and inevitably those people you share your life with intimately sexually profoundly all right they hold up a mirror in which you see yourself and they offer a constant sense of analysis and criticism and outside objective opinion and an outside subjective opinion on what it is you're doing with your life and what you're doing wrong right you sleep with your own harshest critics okay the people who know what you're doing you know they know whether or not you failed that test because you didn't do your homework in a way that your professors never will they know your motivations and they know the outcomes of your efforts um you know but that's who you sleep with whether you're in an open relationship or a close relationship so you have to get to grips with the more profound motivations that are always at work beneath the surface of your sexuality there's human sexuality in terms of how we've evolved and we live in the society today it has never resembled clicking on a Twitter profile it's never resemble clicking on an Instagram profile or clicking through a tinder or tumblr or any of these dating things all right human relationships are about looking into someone else's eyes and knowing that they do not see you the way that you see yourself