WHAT YOU DO IS WHO YOU ARE. (vs. Onision)

what you do is who you really are
I'm not saying that the decisions you make reflect who you really are I'm not even saying that they define who you are I'm saying in the most direct and blunt sense possible you are what you do if you have some sensitivity to this fact this underlying tragedy of our lives as human beings on earth I think you start to live a very gathered very focused very disciplined lifestyle whether you think of yourself as sex positive or sex negative whether you think of yourself as a sexual or polyamorous or put yourself in any other category the consciousness that what you're doing is who you're becoming it makes you profoundly concerned about the consequences of your actions in the formation of your own character and similar parallel consequences for other people that are in your life you know a woman once tried to have sex with me in a train station I turned her down spoilers you know I didn't know she was a tall slim good-looking woman pretty faith and I was in the train station to use the use the published hours and this was made all the more obvious because she had two friends with her who were like egg you know yeah you should go forever you should yeah like you could you could go off her to get into that guy's shower stall with him kind of thing you know somewhat bizarre situation if I had slept with that woman if I chosen to sleep with her that tells you something about the kind of man I am and the fact that I refused tells you something about the kind of man I am also not necessarily as simple as good or bad right or wrong it's not as if such an affair would mark me as evil for the rest of my life but what what would it say about me what would it say about me as a man if I were willing to have sex with someone when I don't even know their name when I know nothing about them there might be guys in the audience who say oh well yeah but come on she was good-looking and it was convenient it wasn't a lot of work for you to go to Bursa okay even if you add in that explanation then what does it say about you that you're willing to sleep with somebody when when it's convenient he's just all the other factors being the same so you know I don't know if she's vegetarian or vegan presumably not probably a meteor I don't know she smokes cigarettes I know anything about what kind of person she is and your suggestion to me that it's cool just because it's convenient there are consequences those actions it not even a say it changes who you are it is who you are there's nothing else okay I'm not gonna say it reflects who you are it is who you are there's nothing else you're that guy who had sex with that random stranger in a train station when the opportunity presents itself I knew a guy as a fully grown man but back when he was a teenager he had lost his virginity with the prostitute he paid to fly to the Philippines and he served the prostitute in the Philippines he was a white guy sleeping with an asian prostitute when he was a teenager that was how he lost his virginity I think it changed who he was forever and when I knew him as many many years later it's a fully grown man he came up to meet me taking the train this is the train that went from Bangkok to just outside of the capital city of Laos train didn't go all the way in those days and when he when he met me on that trip he was all hopped up it was old he was on this weird ego trip he was all excited because there was a woman on the train who was trying to sleep with him there was a woman on the train it was saying to him in effect to a language barrier why doesn't he get off a train stop earlier and going up sex there and based on the way he told the story I just asked him to look I'm sorry I'm noticing some of the details of the story are you sure this wasn't this woman wasn't a prostitute just trying to turn to her and he immediately said oh oh yes she was you just he just omitted this information click the story yeah this is a woman who was trying to make money by getting him to get off the plane I stopped early I hope I hope she wasn't also trying to rob him and take his suitcase or something but assuming she was an honest broker that yes this was just a prostitute you know look at this guy it's just it just blows mine and he was he was like really on an ego trip like he felt like he was handsome or charming or special because this woman was trying to have sex with him and that's her job that's how she earns a living right like if I'm walking down the street and there's a car salesman who tries to sell me a car you don't happen to walk past one of those places any guy says hey you know do you want to take a look we have especially this guy I don't feel smart or special I don't think this it's not because I'm charming or handsome that this guy's offering to sell me a car that's his business he'd sell a car to anyone who was going to pay or he described the advantages of these different cars to anyone he's going to listen this woman on it on a train tried to sleep with you this guy and and you're on an ego trip with that but again that was a man who literally lost his virginity with a prostitute in Asia of course there are also questions here by the way so the the prostitute he lost his virginity with we don't know maybe she slept with 40 people that month maybe she's loved with a hundred people that month it probably didn't mean much to her when she took his virginity probably we don't know it was a speculation it's easy to say that one more or one fewer client for that woman that month changed your life will wear the other but of course in most of our interactions romantic sexual personal and otherwise you know there were at least two parties involved who are going to be affected who are going to be shaped by the consequences of decisions you make for the rest of our lives but in that case in terms of that guy's psychology yeah I do think his decision to sleep with just he's decided to start sleeping with prostitutes in Asia as a teenager and I think it really that's who he was I can't say it changed who he was because even if I say that that like presumes there was a different person there before or maybe there's something remaining in him that wasn't she know that's it that's who you are dude face up to it you know what um a lot of people have said this sometimes an insulting me like oh when I was living in these places when I was living in Thailand Laos and Cambodia that I was surrounded by you know prostitution in these cultures okay when I lived in Thailand I was surrounded by Buddhist monasteries I spent my time going to visit Buddhist monasteries when I lived in Thailand I was surrounded by museums I was surrounded by manuscript Oriya which is a fancy word basically meaning an archive like a specialized library I spent my time a lot of these places the minute I got off the bus so the minute I got out of the airport I took flight sat there in Thailand sometimes the minute I got out of the train station I was going to the archives I was going to the museums I was going to put us monasteries and sometimes archaeological sites ruins of old Buddhist monasteries I was looking at stone inscriptions seeing other words were formed and you know the history of the language the history the religion the history of politics okay I was surrounded by all of that stuff and that was what I chose to do with my time because that is who I am that's who I was then in my 20s and this is who I am now in my 40s and some other guy some like sex to arrest or even this guy I mentioned who started sleeping at frosties new city he would go to those same places and what he would see and what he'd be interested in what he would be responding to by the horse I think that's that's what he might be doing that I don't even know I don't even know what percentage it is ninety percent of people and sure it happened to me like I would talk to other tourists talk to other white people you know some Europeans some American whatever and they mentioned that they were going through a particular town or city or something and I'd say them oh you know there's a really great museum there or there's a great you know I mentioned some historical site there's an archeological site and they would have no idea so oh wow I've been to that town five times I had no idea that was a museum there I had no idea there was an archeological site there there was one guy I talked to him in his office not worth describing why but the office let's say it was on the eighth floor something was up up the fairly high and I was looking at his window and I said oh yeah I can almost see that 11th century archaeological site from here I was just there yesterday to go and see there the first thing I did when I got to him was going and this guy was blown away he said why just down the road there's a person he should archaeologically I said yeah I rode my bicycle there the other dance that's what I care about this guy had lived there for years he had an office there for years you couldn't actually see it from its from his window but I was just checking oh yeah it's just a little bit further down that way he had no interest okay so and and yeah let's be fair to Southeast Asia it's kind of cheap to say oh if you live in if you live in Bangkok Thailand you're surrounded by prostitution if you live in Paris France if you live in New York City if you live in Los Angeles you're surrounded by prostitution - okay that just may not be culturally the main thing you you associate with it okay so like in terms of 21st century culture there are some ways in which people may perceive me as being tremendously sex positive and there's some ways in which people might perceive me as being very conservative or very sex negative but I think that's because both of these categories do not really apply to how I see the world okay this guy on Sen comes on the internet he invites a 16 year old girl into his house to work as his babysitter later when she's 18 years old he starts having sex with her he cheats on his wife with her horrible situation oh and let's not forget even though she was over 18 he was the man who took her virginity he was the first person she'd ever had she'd ever had sex with okay big long-term consequences for her for the rest of her life just to live with big long-term consequences for him for the rest of his life that ends liveth but the most fundamental one of all is he has to face up to dude this is who you really are now in a nisshin's case we know this was not an isolated event it's not something that just happened once right but let's be clear if you would sleep with a prostitute just once that's who you really are if you would sleep with a complete random stranger in a train station when it was convenient under these circumstances that's who you really are yeah there may be details like that like oh well you know some people do some [ __ ] like this like it's like oh well but I had just broken up with my boyfriend my girlfriend well that's also who you really are you're someone who when you were unhappy and feeling low self-esteem because he just broken up with your girlfriend or boyfriend then you would this is all bundled into who you really are in a Missi ins case it's not just once she's been through roughly similar situations with several very young women whom he brought into his house and tried to employ as babysitters and got sexually involved with this same kind of scenario played out also with Billy and he apparently tried to set up this same scenario love triangle scenario because he's married at the same time again and again and again so yes it is also a proven pattern in this case but what he has to live with is that's who he really is anyone who would judge this less harshly than I do I'd ask you to think about how you view it if the genders were reversed right anyone who hears my stupid anecdote about that woman who tried to have sex with me in a train station and by the way the shower stall it was a it was really it was big enough for a three waves big enough for for a sex it was a big private shower stall with with good thick concrete walls by the way I actually wasn't it was private enough it wasn't the totally ridiculous situation for someone to be tried to initiate sex okay anyone who says oh well that's that would be no big deal for a dude to happen to meet and hook up with a complete stranger at it attitude what if I was the female what if you were talking about me being a woman who's willing to do that with men a lot of these judgments I mean in a sense in our society the gender inequality in this in this limited context I think it helps women because women at least look at these things cumulative ly and and think about how it defines them morally and ethically whereas a lot of men that have this sick mentality that life is a competitive sport and that they're literally going to score a point by having sex with a stranger under those circumstances which is from my perspective really sick and evil and bad and wrong it's a really bad way to see the world what do you think the whole world is the opposing team in a sport that goes on forever until the day that you die I think that is really sick and bad and evil and wrong and yeah I think almost at random some of the concerns women have like hey if I do this now what does that say about the kind of person I am when I get out of this shower stall what does that say about me for the rest of my life I think that is some of the kind of awareness and conscientiousness and sense of responsibility of the consequence reaction that guys like anisia have to have they have to be more sensitive to the consequences for who they are and obviously in this case with this girl who starts off 16 and ends up 18 years old why can't you have some concern about the consequences for her for the rest of her life also I knew someone who was a university professor female female university professor and she admitted to me that she wanted to have sex with a male student which is against the university's rules probably illegal probably there's a law somewhere now the student was like 21 or older you know this was not it's a university context this isn't that child but there is an absolute question of you know Authority there's a question of your moral obligations if you're a professor so on and so forth and I think again in terms of switching the genders if it was a male professor and a much younger female student people would right away feel a sense of apprehension and people might be more inclined to make excuses when it's a female professor and a male student and I just said you were straight up look this is evil you know if you do this guess what kind of person you are then you are the kind of professor who will take your contract and flush it down the toilet for the sake of this kind of sexual tryst you're someone who will violate your word your oath of office these commitments you've made these higher ideals you say you believe in and serve you late all that so you can sleep with this 21 year old guy if you do this that is who you are now just imagine I do not have a PhD technically I'm still a university student I have a BA at university but I have served in the role of a university professor in China I was hired to be a professor of English of course there were female students probably about 19 years old of course there were female students 19 or 21 who wanted to sleep me when I was a university professor okay there are many reasons why I would refuse many some of those reasons have to do with the consequences you know for the young woman for the girl some of them are more complex that I'm not really discussing in this video okay but the most simple most fundamental reason is the question of Who am I who do I want to be okay because if you do this if you cross this line forever that is who you really are I can't even say that your actions demonstrate your character I can't say your actions reveal your character I can't say your actions are a judgment on your character because that still presumes this kind of bifurcation like there's a difference between the face and the mask like there's a difference between the judgment and your character itself the reflection if your dissol we're talking about one thing here what you do is who you are