Quit Video Games: Kaitlin Witcher & Me.

so just not to get into it but like some
of the stuff i've been dealing with and this is gonna sound stupid um is mainly like one i feel like i look disgusting um i don't know i don't know why i feel like this but it's hard to look at myself and i don't like me right now um and so that's why i haven't really wanted to stream and why i haven't really wanted to film is because i i'm having just a lot of dysmorphia issues um and that and then also i just feel like in the nicest way possible i just feel kind of really worthless caitlyn witcher has one video reflecting on what she did in the year 2020 a year in review video it isn't 95 about the video game she played it is 100 percent about the video games she played she has another video taking questions in the audience in which someone in a cheerful and open-minded way asks what her plans are for the year ahead nothing absolutely nothing she has no plans she has no ambitions she has no hopes or desires before and after this question she talks about anime which is to say cartoons and video games would you rather give up bts or my hero academia for the rest of your life i would give up my hero academia bts is in my life for the rest of my life i don't care what comes between us i will love them all the time i don't know if i need like a haircut or if i need like botox i don't know what it is so if you wonder why does she struggle with feeling of worthlessness why does she struggle with self-esteem why does she struggle with depression it's the most obvious thing you're depressed because this is your life this this what you're showing us right here on the surface don't pretend that who you really are is something else hidden away on some deep subconscious level no this is what you do with so many hours per day so many hours per week so many hours a year this is who you really are this is your life and you can escape it you can do better but you won't and that's why you hate yourself that's why you feel ugly that's why you feel worthless and that's why you really are i'm not anti-video games and my anti-anime but what i really had a problem or what i was hearing a lot of people talk about is how a lot of times video and anime allowed them to live in some type of fantasy fantasy world in which they never learned how to develop and to learn the social skills at a later age number three speedrunning is pointless and all the time and effort put into it should instead be spent on curing cancer this could be said of anything that isn't literally occurring cancer but it is said a lot about speedrunning and video games in general to an extent it is true that speedrunning is pointless but then so is playing an instrument watching tv playing sports or going camping not everything we do has to save the world and uh this isn't like i don't want people to be like you're just fishing because i'm not like i just this is just how i feel and it's not a good feeling i really wish i didn't feel this way but i do and i don't know how to get out of it and i i tried like doing self-care i've been doing um skincare routines for like two weeks straight i've been trying to wear cute clothes i've been trying to wear comfy clothes i've been trying to take like bubble baths i've been trying to meditate i've been trying to like watch my favorite tv shows and read books and have my favorite foods and nothing's working i understand that you know life sucks your mom is always on your case people are picking on you in school so what do we do we go to a fantasy universe right we go to the land of the hidden leaf village you know and we and we live in these different places and we watch these anime shows and then we just we just kind of go into this alternate universe where everything is cool so we end up spending hours upon hours on watching animes after animes and reading mangas after mangas and then not only that then we start playing video games and it's fun but then a lot of these kids that's all they do it's all i'll be honest with you sometimes what i did you start creating these habits and it's easy when you're 13 14 15. okay i know you want to be at home but then let's say you go to college and now you're trying to connect but guess what people don't want to connect with you because guess what you've never learned the social skills at a young age so what you do you stay in your dorm you play more video games you watch more anime right you become more and more isolated from people we still have to live and we start to function in the real world and a lot of people after just years of spending all their time watch anime playing video games they can't function in the real world i'm having a lot of like body dysmorphia issues i don't even want to film i honestly don't but i would rather keep you in the loop rather than just not uploading because i want to be consistent still and it's hard when you don't like yourself at the moment if you follow me closely on social media you might remember a couple months ago i was uh i was working on french i was trying to learn french working hard on it too and then i stopped other priorities took over in my life do you think i feel like a failure do you think i feel consumed with regret and remorse do you think if i made a video 2020 year in review in which i just looked at the books i didn't read not the books i finished books i started reading and put down or books books i never had time to read at all i haven't read one page of this book this was purchased from me by a fan of the channel thank you i appreciate the gift having that time sitting on the shelf and you know what i'm passionate about this book i'm really interested about what's in this book with the history of ancient grace it's possible i'll never have time to read it it's possible it's going to sit on the shelf until the day i die do you think i feel like a failure having ambition trying these things inevitably involve failure even if it's just because you have other priorities other ambitions where you start to place your efforts where you start to place your hopes and expectations where you try to succeed so guys a lot of people of all ages have no idea what it's like to live with ambition this way right to be constantly learning to be constantly becoming a better person frankly even if you fail every single time like you can fail and fail and fail and in the end you still win because guess who you get to be you guys remember this i started a research project on uh central asia so this is dealing with the history of countries like uzbekistan tajikistan kyrgyzstan and then their connection to china yeah the title of this one says it all china china marches west this is what the real history of what's now called xinjiang right xinjiang china is in the news a lot but the people who work for the newspapers they haven't read even these two books and we we didn't just buy these two we bought several more started a research project history of central asia and western china or xinjiang right i barely read 50 pages out of those books other priorities took over do you think i think i feel like a failure i think i failed think i'm filled with regret like see i could do a video just talking about all the great books i started reading and didn't get a chance to read in 2020 and i feel great about it i feel wonderful it's a great research project one thing i don't have to give up we could we could if we could go back to working on that tomorrow right but as good as my reasons were for beginning that research project i also know my reasons for why i put it on pause why i quit why why it ended or why it failed right we had other priorities that took over you know in that research project it isn't just about the politics of china it isn't just about me coming on youtube and talking about the politics of china and xinjiang and political repression of islam under communism blah blah blah a lot of interesting issues i'd love to make youtube videos about for you guys right one of the other reasons we started that research project was you know when we talk about politics me and my girlfriend on seemingly every topic pertaining to the politics of europe canada the united states india southeast asia china japan on seemingly every topic i've already done so much research that we never really talk as equals i've got years and years of prior research experience and this was something we could research where we we would both be starting on page one chapter one like okay we can do this research project we both learn about xinjiang western china central asia and we talk about it and we're talking on the same level because it's all new to me also this is an area in which i also am really ignorant i'm really building my way forward there's there's a personal component to it there are also personal reasons why we stopped right we started to get interested in the possibility that melissa would go to business school get an mba and i started getting interested too not i'm interested but i'm skeptical started doing research about mba programs that led to research about cfa programs okay so this stuff related to stocks and bonds financial instruments however you want to put this right this is a great book if your gym is closed due to coronavirus totally totally endorse it a lot of entertainment as a book and in terms of uh you know heavy lifting and you know that research project could end in a number of ways it certainly could end with uh you know the saddening discovery that there really aren't any universities in canada worth going to for an mba if there aren't any universities in europe or the united states in terms of the cost benefit lot of the findings that kind of research in my life have been negative but it could be something that opens up a positive opportunity for melissa could be something open to a positive opportunity for me do i regret that i stopped reading i stopped researching other things to work on this do i regret that right now i don't have time to read polybius i don't have time to read aristotle's rhetoric i really look forward to reading they're very meaningful to me i've read a very small percentage of them i don't have time to read sunza i'm really happy to have the english translation of suns finally but i stopped working on these things in large part because i wanted to take some time to write a book of my own right i'm currently in the process of finishing the manuscript for no more manifestos the first book i've written for adults in many years i've written some children's story books and you know what if i were doing this if i were making a video books i didn't read in 2020 it's not just mba and working on the stock market that's attempted me i've thought about i've thought about whether or not i should go to film school whether or not i should get some kind of formal training and being a filmmaker so i can take the experience i've already got from more than five years on youtube making this kind of film and take it up a level and become some kind of some kind of filmmaker right whether that's documentary action drama comedy romance right the books i haven't read the failures in my life in this way into this way are a tremendously positive part of my life and i'm saying this to you because if you live this way too if you really put learning at the center of your life failures can also be a tremendously positive part of your life as well you don't get to choose whether you succeed or fail right like you can start start researching whether or not there are any mba programs you want to go to and you find nope it's all bad news you know uh i put many years into researching buddhism and i was expecting to be able to get a master's degree and a phd in buddhist philosophy buddhist history and in the whole world asia europe north america there wasn't a single university anywhere where i could proceed any further with education i know i know what it is to put a lot of time and a lot of effort into research into learning and then to come up in the end with a failure right but you don't get to choose the outcomes you don't get to choose whether you win or lose whether you succeed or you fail what you get to choose is the type of person you want to be and it's through these efforts it's through trying it's through learning this precisely this makes you who you really are