I don't want to learn Chinese, I'm doing it anyway.

you know this is now the end of my time
and could mang I've been here for so many months and you know this is a special time in my life I said the end the letter this gym obviously I can only express myself imperfectly in Chinese anyway this gym will become a happy memory for me you know while I lived in kunming during this time in my life studying Chinese this jim was the only was the only pleasure in my life it was the only thing I it was the only thing I had to enjoy you know and it's true in the original in the original Chinese um that is a little bit bittersweet at best you know the the connotations of the of the particular words that that come across there was one guy here who you know he pitched a little bit of a fit he was he was an idiot I despised them it was a there was an American guy here he was one of the other students and I don't remember exactly how the conversation started but he said something to me like but that's why you love learning Chinese right like but that's why you want to learn Chinese something about Chinese being wonderful and ascribing to me that this is why I want to learn Chinese I know that's not why I want to learn Chinese is it I don't want to learn Chinese at all which was true then and it's true now this is not what I chose in life this is in many ways fundamentally the opposite of what is chosen like this is everything that I wanted to avoid being forced on me by circumstances beyond my control I don't want to be living in China I don't want to be learning Chinese I do want to be studying languages but Chinese is the wrong language and another conversation with someone who was a tibetan and i remember this Tibetan was talking to me and you know excited about you know my knowledge of politics in history but of course Buddhism if you guys watch the channel you know I know a lot of a pusson and I had to say this Tibetan look like I know we have let's talk about but my whole life is about avoiding too bad I want nothing to do with Tibet I want nothing Tibetan politics I want nothing to do with Tibetan Buddhism I don't want to study Tibet this language like you don't get it like I know I know I know more than the average Westerner about Tibet i do obviously way more of you know than the average Westerner but it's not my expertise tolerant interest is the opposite so you know but to come back to that anecdote you know I remember so sitting there at the breakfast table with the other students I just said it's got a hundred percent bluntly I never said I don't want to be learning Chinese at all but I'm born with a Canadian passport and I'm stuck with it and because I'm Canadian I ultimately did not have the option to study any of the languages I was passionate about learning I was forced again and again to sacrifice all of my hopes all of my aspirations all of my dreams all of my career plans because of the incredibly poor quality of the education system in Canada and the incredibly narrow possible career paths open to me that wouldn't be the same if I were born a French citizen it wouldn't be the same for born an American citizen or even a German citizen but because I'm Canadian I couldn't continue with Lao I couldn't continue with Cambodian I couldn't continue with Burmese I couldn't continue with sin alize I couldn't continue with ty I couldn't continue with Cree I couldn't continue with a jib way and those two I feel the most bitterly as a Canadian Korean ajiboye being indigenous to Canada everything I spent years and years of my life developing expertise in not even to mention pally I had to sacrifice and I had to start with this language that I don't merely lack interest in that I actively don't want to learn that I never wanted to learn that I chose again and again to avoid learning this is everything I wanted to avoid in my life and I've been forced to accept it that's why I'm living now in China I in says at the time but you know also I didn't even want to learn Chinese in China I wanted to continue in Canada I was getting a university degree in Canada but I couldn't do that for the same reason because of the abysmally low quality of my education in Canada so there are a lot of things I appreciate about Chinese culture there are a lot of things I appreciate about China it's always somewhat hilarious to me when people think i have a kind of glamorized view of Chinese culture or China because it's the opposite um but I'm here learning a language I don't want to learn doing a job I don't want to do in a sense developing a career in an area of expertise that don't want to have in the surreal circumstances of my slow motion divorce unfolding in France we think also my slow motion core case unfolding in Thailand you know all these other bizarre things in framing the situation and I'm sacrificing so much in my life to learn a language I don't want to learn and to learn to pretend to be a part of a culture I don't even want to pretend to be a part of I don't want to marry into this culture I don't want to date in this culture and you know the guy I'd said this to at that breakfast he was really offended and he was an ignorant ass white guy who converted to who converted to Buddhism to zen buddhism the worst kind of Buddhism he was an ignorant ass white boy who converted to Buddhism and who obviously had glorified in glamour notions about Chinese culture and he took it up with me later to like another time I went out to lunch with him and he sat down and he was like well it's very obvious you don't like chinese like as a language like you don't think yeah you want me to lie to you you only to pretend this is a special or wonderful language to me it's not that's so it's just another language and it's in many ways and especially oh and especially terrible language and it's not a language that leads to any kind of a bright future for me or for my daughter it doesn't lead to any kind of employment in Canada it doesn't lead to any kind of master's degree or PhD or anything else in many ways here in China I know day after day I'm digging my own grave I'm destroying any possibility of me having a positive future and I would be earning more money if I got a job at starbucks or as a waiter or stalking the store shelves at a grocery store or doing any other working at a gas station in Canada rather than what i'm doing here in china even though what i'm doing here in China may be more intellectually pretentious or may seem more impressive in my resume in some ways so I mean that's the incredibly grim reality surrounding and underlining that one line in that hand written letter that I gave to the girl the gym today that during this time in my life you know going to your gym was my only pleasant distraction was my only pleasure