Fake Love: Lying to Get Attention (Gabbie Hanna vs. the PUA Subculture)

how would you feel if you found out
later if they admit it to you hello you know on the first date I told you I collect South Park video games no it's not sure of me at all no I've never really watched the show I'm not really into it when you find out that someone really tried to initiate and sustain and define this relationship on the basis of a lie on the basis of concealment on the basis of dishonesty even if it's a lie about something trivial the fact that the relationship was built on a lie is profoundly negative out of all proportion to the particular thing being lied about hold my hand you didn't actually think I wanted to hold your hand write some reflections on PUA culture pickup artists dating advice Gabi Hannah you put two here from went out on a date with a guy who was a highly trained pickup artist and the angle I want to bring to this is really reflect you on the importance of sincerity itself in a world where real affection real interest real love is invaluable is so important to our lives but fake affection fake love something that doesn't just have zero value it's something that's actually revolting and that's why my opinion pickup artistry will always be counterproductive apart from being kind of bad and evil and wrong he then in this hole-in-the-wall sushi restaurant stood up extended his hand and said would you like to dance with me no music out of the blue mid conversation like for other people in the restaurant including the sushi chef and the waitress so then I say was that a pick-up trick and he said no can you reached her my neck grabbed my hair I jump back and I'm like what the whoa what are you doing I don't like being touched he then said oh I was just thinking how cute you would look with your hair like this I said is this a pickup trick he said no he then told me without me asking how sensitive he is how much he respects his mother how much he hates one-night stands and I asked him is this part of a pickup trick and he said no so if this type of prepared dialog could accomplish anything the best thing you could possibly accomplish would be just getting the woman's attention just on that most basic level making her notice you not even be addressing you if for example you have a co-worker in the office like a huge office with many many employees and she really doesn't even know you exist at that absolute most basic level of having an incident occur where they notice you and that you're not just another face in the crowd you have a dialogue at all that would be the most flattering account I could give the greatest possible positive benefit you could get from these types of methods would just be at that level of being noticed rather than ignored on a first encounter so to speak and then beyond that whether or not this person is interested in you without this person likes you with not this progresses towards sex love marriage or at least some kind of dating that has to be based on something real right that can't be based on deception it can't be based on flattery it can't be based on a prepared script so one of the ways in which what this particular guy is doing is wrong with this particular girl is she already chose him she actually selected him from a dating app she already took an interest in him she noticed him she went out on a date with him she's interested in getting to know who he really is he already has her interest he already has her engagement she's willing to sit with him in a restaurant for several hours okay so in terms of what phone eNOS can do tactics this kind of contrived dialog your way way way past that right but at this stage what contrived dialogue phone eNOS deception and flattery can do is completely poison their relationship right and this this would work if the roles were reversed these examples she's giving so someone who lies to you about their relationship with their own mother okay what kind of person is that what is your opinion of someone who lies to you about their relationship with their own mother in order to manipulate you look whether you're the man and you're imagining this be a woman or the woman imagine this man what is the possible positive way forward and whatever he could have said in that window of time then he already has in a situation where he already has her attention he already has her interest whatever what as long as he's keeping it real at least that will lead to the progress of this relationship on the basis of some kind of real assessment of who you are and how compatible you may or may not be a quick example let's suppose you meet someone of the opposite sex or through that wink line someone of the same sex that you're romantically interested in and the first thing they tell you about themselves is that they collect South Park video games video games from the South Park TV series and they they seem really into it and they're really jazzed about and they're telling about this and you're like um okay let's just say you're not particularly a fan of South Park you don't hate it but you don't really know anything about this and you try to feign interest or whatever okay that conversation goes wherever it's gonna go and you kind of judge them accordingly all right you know this person collects memorabilia for this mainstream TV show but however that scenario plays out good bad or indifferent how do you feel when you find out that it was all a lie would you feel if you found out later if they admit it to you hello you know on the first date I told you I collect South Park video games no that's not true of me at all no I've never really watched the show I'm not really into it this isn't just the difference between something being positive and being a zero when you find out that someone really tried to initiate and sustain and define this relationship on the basis of a lie on the basis of concealment on the basis of dishonesty even if it's a lie about something trivial you know her example was he's lying about his relationship with his mother and this kind of thing but okay you're lying about your hobbies or interests or something the fact that the relationship was built on a lie is profoundly negative out of all proportion to the particular thing being lied about because nobody really cares whether or not you collect South Park memorabilia but when I was first getting to know you I know that you intentionally lied to me about that because you thought this relationship was gonna proceed on the basis of you deceiving and manipulating me so in this way the whole PUA approach vitiate and undermines everything so not only did he try the most basic textbook he got tricks but he lied about all of them to my face and I know this because he later admitted to me that all of those things were indeed pickup tricks States over we go outside he asked me if I want to go on a walk around the neighborhood I think well as long as I don't go down a dark alley it's probably fine then he tries to hold my hand oh my hand we met like thirty five minutes ago so I just say hey no I don't really want to hold hands he then says you didn't actually think I wanted to hold your hand right and I was like okay yeah and then he goes seriously I didn't I just wanted to hold your hand just see if it was callous and gross needless to say I'm not holding his hand conversations weird he actually ends up walking me home and as we're the crosswalk get this he full-fledged and for the kill tries to kiss me I didn't even want to hold your hand yet ain't God the only thing I have to say in the otro is the same goddamn thing I said in the intro okay we live in a world where nothing is more precious nothing is more meaningful and nothing is more valuable than real love and look at the extraordinary lengths people are willing to go to to get it look at the extraordinary lengths people are willing to go to just to have a chance at it right but real love has to be based on real mutual knowledge and understanding right real self knowledge to begin with you got to know who you are and then you've got to take the steps to share that with someone else it can never be based on you know contrived sketch scripted dialogues of this kind it can never be based on manipulation or flattery between people what those techniques lead to instead is fake love and fake love isn't just some kind of cheap substitute for you know real engagement real relationships it's actually something bad and evil and wrong I think a lot of the critique of PUA culture has kind of been based on a phony sense of outrage of you know how dare you and there's a deeper question here everyone has the audacity to lie little children like constantly it doesn't take courage or special training or go into a camp to learn in a lie what little children need to learn is the importance of telling the truth we're all born liars we're all born dishonest its honesty that's second nature it's honesty that you that you have to practice right the problem with pickup artistry the problem with this dishonest approach to relationships in your life is that ultimately what you end up with is a kind of counterfeit currency in the part of your life that matters most not just your work life you know it's one thing if you tell lies for a living many of us do you may have signed a contract that obliges you to lie at least not to not disclose the truth many of us tell lies for a living we tell lies at the office we tell lies at school or whatever it is but when you have that counterfeit currency in the most intimate circle of your life the woman or the man you come home to at the end of the day think of the long-term the corrosive effect that's going to have on your moral character on who it is you're supposed to be ultimately you yourself will end up as a victim of this same strange cycle of what I'm here calling fake love