Doomed Gym Romance (& Reflections on Learning Languages / Chinese).

the process of learning Chinese you know
it's a little weird I can practice the language in theory talking about anything and for the first several months I was mostly talking about and reading and writing about politics this is actually fucking essay i'm writing about how to use a bread machine to bake vegan bread because i decided i needed to practice that kind of grammar and also that vocabulary I needed to know the vocabulary for you know wheat and yeast and flour and gluten gluten content there's like technical vocabulary this I need to know if I'm going to be able to buy flour and bake bread mom living in China but a lot of what I've talked about with my with my teacher just to practice the language has been my personal life and one of the reasons to do that I mean I guess this is advice for anyone learning a language especially learning a really difficult language like Chinese is that when you talk about your personal life you're highly motivated to use the language with precision so to give you an example if I'm talking about a fictional scenario I don't really care about like I'm talking about a storybook something happened to movie you might just say oh yeah this woman was in love with this guy you'll just use the word love because love is a simple verb it's a simple concept sounds simple but right in my very first couple of weeks here I remember asking questions my teacher like okay I don't want to say love I need to be able to say this woman had feelings for me you know and words like she had conflicting she had mixed feelings she had mixed emotions she had strong feelings toward me but not love you know what I mean love is you know a few steps beyond so we talked about your personal life and you're struggling to learn a language because believe me I'm like level one in Chinese I just have ludicrously good handwriting for someone who kind of all okay I'm reflecting my background and a bunch of other Asian languages but you know it may seem self-indulgent to talk about your personal life but it's really the opposite if I was talking about Batman or some really boring scenario out of a language textbook you know like a lot of link that language were using Canada it was all boy boy dating girls ariel's but it was just boring fiction about some boy falling in love with some girl then you're you're going to use the vocabulary that's easiest for you and when you're really trying to give an honest account of your own life and things you care about it pushes you to use the language of your accuracy so those you can remember way back a couple months ago to my podcast with American unicorn so it was a conversation you know both of us on skype the same time to voices not just not just me giving my look that opened up with me joking around about how much of a crush I had on this one woman one woman and I had so much of a crush on her I was joking i said look at this stage i don't really know anything about her um but like if it turns out she has a part-time job at a slaughterhouse I'm gonna make excuses you know if people will work it out like a vegan she works in a slaughterhouse but our love can conquer all so I was joking around about this kind of thing a little bit because obviously this one was was not vegan um you know reflecting on it later with you know in Chinese talking about it with my chinese teacher that was really talking about just to practice the language with accuracy I reflected on both how I developed a crush on her and when I lost the crush when I just stopped caring when I stopped having any feelings toward her and I mean it's interesting I think normally you don't reflect on those things because one it's just not that important and two you'd be busy with your job responsibilities you just have other stuff on in life when you wouldn't reflect on that with such accuracy when did I start feeling this way when did I stop feeling this way what change how did I perceiver and the other Emile there were there are a lot of reasons why this is a sort of very closely examined example in my life you know um so this this woman she's not like you know I've already totally like I really was sprung on her I really had a crush on her but she's not objectively speaking the most beautiful woman who was even talking to me during this period of time um there were other women who are objectively better looking some of whom were really pursuing me and really interested me you know there were two moments against because of reflect on this because I talked about it in Chinese you're forcing yourself to translate and think of that accuracy you know there was one moment when I just saw her it has to do with a particular setup in the gym I saw her getting psyched up to teach one of her classes so she was just mentally preparing she was staring into the mirror getting psyched up and just by coincidence happened to be there standing next to her and you know she wasn't even looking at me she's looking at the mirror and she's getting psyched up and of course that made her seem so focused and so intense and so intelligent emits a complete illusion which you got to see you're getting into the zone to do her thing and then marching off to go teach your class and this kind of ultra focused ultra alert state that made a big impression and it was just her facial expression and the look in her eyes and he thought wow you know there's there's a there's somebody can get out there and conquer the world there's somebody can get things done just made a really positive impression of me by the way I have talked to her bunch times you say I relaxed is no big deal but then you know there were a couple other moments the first time I saw her with a kid I was just walking past her in a rush I didn't know who was her kid hello maybe she's married with kids which for that every indication was that you said maybe she's a single mom or something she's with this kid I remember she held up the kids like show off to me which again women here have a lot of ways showing years but I wondered like it seemed like she was trying to show me like look I'm good with kids which women here do when they're interested you there are million different things women do to show their address new year not worth the dressing on but then I saw her playing with kids a couple other times and I realized that there were just these were not her kids she's not married she doesn't have kids but she was the kind of person who liked to passed the time by playing with you know I don't even if they're close friends she was friends with other parents and she was minding their kids for 15 minutes or whatever well the were I don't know buying themselves a cup of coffee or something you know that kind of situation that she was somebody really actively volunteered to do that because she loved taking care kids I mean there was one moment again both these are really fleeting moments but I had to sit down on a chair and tie up my shoes again time I should make some little adjustments because working out the gym and she was sitting there and she had made out of out of some of the fitness equipment some of the some of the ropes hanging from the ceiling you know the ropes that are there so people can do some certain types of exercises she made a little improvised swing and with this kid that was barely a toddler you know it's halfway between being a baby in a toddler she was sitting down on the floor and in this really kind of caring way you know taking care of this this kid again for 15 minutes or whatever it was and you know what just shattered me you know you guys know my background in terms of my divorce that's still paperwork still isn't done on and my own daughter who you know I want to be seeing regularly and I'm not you know and you know all those connections there my own experience with the fact that you know I i didn't i didn't have a job during my daughter's early life first year of my daughter's life i was with her 24-7 at Motown wasn't with my daughter's when I was doing the grocery shopping or mopping the floor cooking or whatever but his dad was in the house with my daughter so really did have that bond and have that experience in a way that a lot of fathers don't if you just have a normal job you know at home with your kid and you know that moment also of seeing that woman playing with that kid really really got to me you know we just think wow it's it you know and in both of those moments they're not really based on her appearance they're based on her conduct are based on her behavior and the qualities they make me imagine that she has you know based on those few little moments now get I probably wouldn't have even noticed this if I was just busier you know whatever if I had a full time job but even for whatever reason you know I really really noticed also at the moment when I lost interest which is just one of a million times when I saw her the same woman sitting and sending text messages on her cell phone which nothing wrong with it there's no big deal but I remember this this particular moment you know I just kind of walked past her and I saw her sitting there and writing text messages and that particular situation that particular woman i just had to reflect you know what the reality is even though you know I've seen this women play with the kid there have been these other moments and I've had had conversations with her I've talked to her you know what the reality is this is somebody who never reads books this is somebody who spends all the time you know playing with her phone and feeling was gone um just completely gone never came back you know what I mean um anywhere remember I asked my um I remember I asked my my chinese teacher about this because in Chinese culture I have all kinds of different experiences with you know different ambiguous situations but I remember you know something that's a little bit distinct to the Chinese culture so this woman she said she's a personal trainer at the gym she's the professor she's an employee of the gym the only ones that I ever ask her something about the gym I already know how to use everything at the gym but after they just dumped me decorations I remember once I just asked her like look can I use this a piece of equipment over here because we used to use it over there and now things have been assured you know dude over here over there was a totally respectful but boring and practical question i did i did say pardon me to start it off and so on perfectly polite and she behaved as if she was furious at me and I remember talking about that with my Chinese teachers it had that experience before with someone who was like a woman it was like a this is like back when I was married I think that was there was a woman who was like a waitress but like she thought she was sparking up a relationship with me she wasn't I had never shown any interest in her but if ever talked to her like she was a waitress she would then be furious at me like as if to say you're supposed to talk to me like we're personal friends you're not supposed to talk to me like I just work here you know and I talked to my chinese teacher about that she was like yeah yeah you're right you really stuck on something that that's a factor yeah if you've ever flirted with the Chinese woman if you've ever taken it forward a couple steps and then you talk to them like you're there just an employee yeah yeah yeah then they're they're mad at you and stuff and I remember asking I was like so like yeah okay so she's furious because I asked her can I can I use this equipment here use it there I said but like that still doesn't mean she has the interest me what does mean she likes me and uh you know hey that's my opinion I think my teacher was like no she probably she probably does look probably low key she's she's interested she's trying to get some that's like no I don't think so i think i think you can hate and resent someone for talking to you like they don't know you and and still have absolutely romantic interest of them but anyway now like i say a human heart is a funny thing but now I could say also i had no understand our so it goes