Breaking up with my girlfriend REPEATEDLY.

19 June 2019 [link youtube]



Youtube Automatic Transcription

now I know I like at the start of the
relationship I felt this way at the start of this relationship I was worried that you were going to find someone more beautiful than me someone with more background that relates to your background so yes somebody's compatibility or something or more right and someone smarter than you yeah sure the relationship you know I had no reason to think you know because of the problems that we've had you were going to leave me but now I really do have reason to believe that in it even I wasn't expecting you know cuz I felt like I've been working like I felt like I've been improving was with jealousy you know I really thought it had but then like because we've been having so many relationship difficulties I was like well this is the time if you were going to leave me it would be now because you know you're basically on the cusp of leaving me so like if somebody more beautiful more studies Chinese like has been to vows has been to you know China yeah hell yeah you're gonna jump off and get on somebody else's ship not mine because why you want to come down with me it's burning the ship is burning with me right so go onto somebody else's [ __ ] what like that is really why it's the insecurity of you leaving me and me never finding somebody that a lot of people live with the comforting delusion that what they feel others will know that all you have to do is be upset and hope that others will empathize with you will care for you will take pity on you some of us perhaps especially stereotypically some of us who are large self-confident well-spoken male members of the species some of us have to learn the hard way that if we do not speak for our feelings if we do not give voice to just how hurt we are just how damaged we are nobody else around us will guess nobody else will show an interest nobody will care not even those who are closest to us in our lives I had a situation with Melissa a couple of months ago where I was sitting at a kitchen table working with pen and paper and she really hurt me she was really cruel and she was really vicious to me unprovoked for no reason at all and I told her openly at that moment you know I can't believe you're doing this to me I can't believe how much you're hurting me but I drew attention to it a couple of hours later that I was still sitting there working with pen and paper that at that table and I said you know I want you to want you to really look at me I want you to see that I'm still trembling I want you to see that you've really had an emotionally devastating effect on me I said you know it was trembling for think three hours I was really devastated by you know what she'd done to me what she'd said to me that day I said I said at that time and while was there still trembling I said you know I wasn't this upset I wasn't this hurt when my father died or when my grandmother died or when some guy with a machete tried to kill me up on the border between Thailand and Laos those things were not nearly so upsetting nearly so damaging and when we talked about this just a couple of days ago so a couple of days ago we talked about this from a few months ago what she said to me was that she didn't really take the lesson from that example she didn't really didn't really sink in for her because fundamentally she did not want to believe that she could hurt me that way she preferred to believe that I was involving her I'm wise than her she looks up at me she looks up to me in various ways she would prefer to think that she didn't have the power to really hurt me that way well she does and she did and over the course of more than two years this relationship has really damaged me it has really broken me down there have been a lot of challenges for both of us my girlfriend Melissa has become like a second mother to my daughter she'd never really traveled anywhere in the world before and together we've traveled around Europe around Asia also around California a little bit and she's seen so many places has done so many things she's read so many books she's had a very intellectually stimulating a couple of years with me and of course she's had the challenges of the relationship itself of getting to know me and getting to know my sorrows and my struggles and being being a part of my life you know no doubt but when she looks back at those two years when she looks back at what we've been through together she's able to say that it's been a period of personal growth of personal improvement that she's come closer to being the idealized person she might aspire to be and when I look back at those same two years I can't say that at all instead I look at these as two years in which she has really really broken me down in which I've really just but when she emotionally damages me that way I just accumulate the damage the harm has done and I stay harmed and you know I really liked the person that I was just three years ago say just before she and I got together the time we first got together um I don't I don't really like the person that I am now I used to be fundamentally a much more optimistic a much more creative person with a sense of purpose and direction and you know now I've got to tell you I'm just a wreck this is the sort of thing as I said at the start of this segment nobody will suspect nobody will care unless you come out and tell them especially if you are a self-confident well-spoken man people will not believe that you are suffering not even when you're trembling in front of them not even when you're weeping if you don't come out and really say if you don't really speak your truth if you don't tell your side of the story if you don't explain to them the harm that they've done you even when they've seen it for themselves even where it's self-evident the impact they'll never care they'll never make the effort to change my question is my question is what you've just presented is really a clearly reasoned narrative you know what that makes sense when I'm with you and you're freaking oh no no no but my point is like that's what you're saying now reflecting on it I don't really believe that's what's going on with you when you have these freak oh look you know well you just presented a totally rational train of thought like well you know because I've pushed you to the brink with breaking out with me already yeah because because therefore I feel this way but like you know I just say in terms of the the feeling and then the behavior that you know comes out of it that that doesn't seem to be what's actually going on so you're saying what you've just said that could kind of be addressed and that could fixed but I think that would not be you know I mean it wouldn't fix the problem we can even you see within the span of a ship yeah yeah you know my experience of this relationship has been melissa crossing the line with me repeatedly melissa really harming me really breaking my heart repeatedly me dumping her me making the decision to end the relationship repeatedly and then Melissa begging pleading and to some extent negotiating you know making promises Melissa begging her way back into the relationship getting me to give her another chance give her another opportunity for the long-term future Lucia and I have made that decision to give for another chance under extraordinary pressure extraordinary pressure partly because I don't want to hurt Melissa I love Melissa partly because I don't want to disappoint my mom but above all else because I don't want to support my daughter my daughter really loves Melissa and I feel like one of the few gifts I could really give my daughter is trying to make this ghost ship work with Melissa so the next time I see my daughter you know Melissa and I are there as a couple my daughter really loves and it really appreciates Melissa and the time they spend together and I never talked about this on YouTube we never talked about any of the breakups maybe they were obliquely alluded to in some videos and you know for the reasons I already stated I wish I had I wish I come here on camera and really said I wish I'd come on camera weeping I don't let it out and really like sat here and said like Melissa I can't believe you did this to me I can't believe you were me this way because maybe if she heard it that way maybe if she saw it that way and maybe if she knew she knew it was public but I mean maybe she would have taken it seriously maybe she would have changed her behavior because on on some level even though she really is capable of being rational and attached and talking about these things in a conversational way it seems very positive after she calms down she can apologize and she can speak about these things rationally you know it breaks my heart to look back at the last two years two and a half years it breaks my heart to look back and say every single time I've given her another chance I have regretted it every single time she's left me down so look it's kind of a tan gently' related thing but I mean something I think is really important ethically is if you were gonna break up with someone you know talk about a commitment relationship whether it's a marriage or long-term you know dating this wouldn't be if you just met someone last week you know what I mean like if not if you you just barely get to know someone but if you're gonna break up with someone where you're in a real real committed you know supportive relationship I think it always has to be in principle you're breaking up with them to be alone then you should never break up with someone for someone else neither for like the abstract idea that someone else could be better nor for another particular person like oh I'm gonna leave you for Becky or something you know I for me ethically that's that's really important and we've talked that through before where it's like look Melissa like if I end this it's because this should end I think you don't like the relationships not good it's not working and in and of itself meeting that judgment and again for me at 40 years old it's reasonable to say I could be alone for a long time or for the rest of my life like you could add that kind of gravity in my life you know I've no reason to think it's not even no reason they're gonna do better have no reason to think anything else is ever gonna come between 40 and 60 I really I really am not joking so the point is like that that's how I frame that that decision ethically you know nah man you're gonna be like dusty inside anyway yeah yeah you're probably right that this is just me like rationalizing no it's my behavior no which doesn't mean it's false I mean I'm just saying I think that's a rational account of something but that that but that is you know like in principle yeah