OnlyFans: Self-Esteem, Self-Loathing & Self-Hatred on Social Media.

but i just love the idea of helping men
because i think society now really always but life is hard it's hard life is a struggle consistently and there are ups and downs and so i just like the idea of being able to somehow in some of my videos encourage men to love themselves and love other women and other just like love life i mean really people like to disrespect my crew but the fact is that you know my name and i don't know you on the internet and through social media more and more of us in the 21st century live our lives in two irreconcilable categories in one we're treated with respect deference admiration people speak to us with flattery and praise and in the other we're spoken to in a denigrating demeaning and above all demanding way even though i did enjoy it it was becoming such a source of my anxiety i felt unsafe and i ultimately decided you know what this is not for me someone is signing up to my only fans and actually paying me the money just so they can leak the photos or the videos to either my sister or my mum i don't really talk to my parents so like i don't really and i like i don't really care what they think like i never made them happy they were always annoyed and disappointed in me no matter how hard i tried so like i'm sure they're not happy about this but like they were also not happy before like i just like i don't care like just do what you want to do okay and stop worrying about what your parents or your kids might think one day she opens the message reads it please it's all true and then she likes to for some reason she likes to send the photo to me and show it to me now if you don't know it is very embarrassing when your own mother is sending you pictures of yourself like that i don't know why she feels like she has to send me these pictures i'm the one who took them i'm the one who filmed them i'm the one who posted it online i know what it looks like i don't need my own mother to send it to me it's just really annoying and i did have to block her for a few days because i didn't really know what else to do because of this i had a lot of arguments with her and kind of stopped talking to her as well i can already like hear the i told you so comments or you know what were you expecting just hear me out okay as i started to grow and move up in the rankings or whatever more random people from all over the world started subscribing to me so at first it was kind of this comfortable circle of people who i generally knew of or they at least knew me from my content it was people who didn't know who i was and it was a lot of people and i slowly began having problems with my subscribers and by having problems i mean harassment and disrespect and disgusting behavior think for a moment about a good-looking teenage girl who has a job at mcdonald's and who also post pictures of herself to instagram maybe he records videos on youtube maybe even has opened up and only fans there's a huge difference between those two and you know when you take beauty and sexual attraction out of the equation it only gets more perverse and the psychological effects become more demented and dementing i have seen people young and old who start posting images of themselves on social media hugging a chicken asking you to donate money to pay for the veterinary fees so that this chicken could have some operation so that it's health can be so it could live chicken that's been rescued from a farm if you think it has a tremendous effect on an 18 year old 28 year old or a 38 year old to be told that they're beautiful how about an 18 year old a 28 year old or 38 year old who is blatantly not beautiful but is being told that they are an inspiration that they're morally uplifting that there are that oh i wish my 18 year old were more like you you know that you're this fantastic symbol of hope and progress and yeah one way or another i find when those people when those people really are tremendously unattractive nevertheless in the comments section people are finding ways to flatter them that oh you know the light and the warmth in your eyes you're a beautiful soul there are a lot of people who want to hear that at 18 at 28 at 38 at any given age there are a lot of people whose experience of this life is warped by that positive input much more than the negative input they get in the other side of their lives which as i say i would characterize above all else as just being demanding when they turn away from social media when they turn away from youtube instagram online whatever they use facebook even when they turn away from the internet and face the real world they're asked questions like what have you been doing with your life in the last five years really where do you think you're going to be five years from now and they may be asked that by a grandparent you know they'd be asked maybe asked by a co-worker maybe asked by a cousin a friend right who doesn't mean to insult them but it really is quite a contrast from the effusive praise they're bathing in and i use the word bathing advisedly because what i'm dealing with in this video is that people turn to exhibiting themselves on the internet on instagram sure people decide to monetize their physical beauty on only fans not just for the money one of the strangest and most powerful motivations of all is indeed self-esteem is indeed trying to overcome feelings of worthlessness of self-loathing and to do this by in some sense selling your body by in some in some sense dabbling in sex work so that you can feel that your body is worth something so you can feel like you are worth something rather than nothing at all i'm just getting really vile comments people messaging me saying disgusting things completely unwarranted just disrespectful and i knew that that kind of thing came with the territory but like i said i wasn't expecting anyone to even find me like i didn't think that would really be a problem and it wasn't a problem for so many months and i thought that once it started i'd be able to handle it but i quickly realized that maybe i'm not so cut out for this because it's infuriating and it's probably infuriating for everyone i just feel like other people just might be better equipped to deal with that kind of stuff or they just let it like brush off that was not the case for me i was constantly pissed off and anxious to be honest some people were like you're so fake like this is not you you're not being yourself and um i really appreciate some of the comments that i've got from girls who were like if you knew when you would know like if you actually watched her content you'd know that this is her because the amount of times i'd have a boob slip or a vagina slip and i feel like this is dumb but like oops sorry i'll blur it you know what i mean like i've just never cared and i don't care and i am a sexual person and i'm just down to help break the stereotypes and the norms that is our society because our society is just all about shame and conform conform conform and feel ashamed and hate yourself and i'm like this is so ridiculous you are fine just as you are and society just wants you to hate yourself so they can make money off of you then it started where they would like find me on only fans and then if i didn't answer that one only fans they would reach out to me on other platforms and there was there was a few situations where i feel like i was being harassed there's this weird thing that happens where i guess because they think it's like they think that since they see me in a more intimate light that we somehow have a relationship with each other even though i have no idea who they are and this is my job they think that i [Music] it's like they think that even though that they paid for a photo of me that i for some reason wanted to send it to them just because you can make your account private so that people have to pay to actually view your content don't think for a second that it's private because pretty quickly after i made content it was posted to pornhub um shared around with people on reddit forms there's like random little like discord servers and people like share my [ __ ] and like not don't pay for it which is unbelievably annoying people really do think that they can just talk to sex workers any type of way i've even had a few guys ask me out which hey don't do that that was just like kind of funny but actually not funny it's kind of scary i was just being treated so poorly and i just kind of realized like if i was being treated like this in any other type of job by customers or just by anybody in my life i would quit that job i would cut those people out so why would i deal with it here and the other problem is once you've started doing early fans and we started making content and putting it out there it is pretty much out there forever i mean even if i deleted my only fans and even if i stopped making only fan stuff from now on the stuff that i've already posted is already in the hands of weird people who like sending it to my relatives and they could also share it online on different websites different forums and that could also be a problem if in the future i wanted to find a job anytime anything is on the internet it is on there forever says really i think there should be a law that says you're not allowed to refuse someone a job for stupid reasons like they posted a picture of that big toe and then yeah another one this was very common was like what your future kids will think because you know you'll have like a kid and they'll go to school and everyone bully them because your mom was a porn star whatever again valid definitely valid but yeah i don't really know if i have kids and if i did i would raise them to respect women and all of those capacities and to also not give a [ __ ] what other people think like if my kid came home and got well i don't know maybe it wouldn't work but i just in theory like if my kid were to be bullied i'd be like darling you're [ __ ] incredible and this person clearly hates themselves and is still insecure do your best to give them love and light and be kind to them but stand up for yourself because this is [ __ ] and you're amazing and also your mother's actions and decisions shouldn't impact your life so just tell them all of that and like stand up for yourself i tried for such a long time probably about 10 years i was trying to do the whole dating thing in japan i was on dating apps websites i was in guest houses meeting women i was doing everything i possibly could to try and get myself one of those cute japanese girls i did my hair nicely i got nice clothing practiced my japanese until it got to an extremely high level but in the end i just could not get myself into a relationship with a cute young attractive japanese girl which was the whole reason why i was there in the first place and after years of rejection after rejection after rejection started to really chip away at my self-confidence i started to feel like what's wrong with me um i like i said i kind of hope to make porn that helps people to feel better about themselves and love themselves like eventually i'm still like trying to figure it out but um that would be like the ideal underneath goal of my content would be to help people accept themselves and love themselves the young man that i've quoted in this video there's only one young man whereas i quoted a couple young women if you look at the sequence of videos leading up to his decision to join only fans and record it around that time it is self-explanatory the extent to which this decision was not merely financial but for him had everything to do with recapturing some sense of self-worth after years of rejection he says 10 years of failing to get the kind of girlfriend or kind of wife he wanted when he was living in japan and he admits openly he only moved to japan to try to seduce or meet a certain kind of woman and have a certain kind of relationship which he utterly failed in after feeling revolted by his own body his words not mine he bought himself weights and started exercising at home he decided he would whip himself into shape he would put himself on this website and of course part and parcel of that he starts to meet new women and have new kinds of relationships in new ways all right everyone can sympathize everyone here can sympathize with the concept of doing porn for the sake of your self-esteem there's nothing hard to understand about you know what the whole thing with rescuing a chicken you know when asking people to donate money for the veterinary bills the various forms of um self-defeating heroics acrobatics and people get themselves thrown in prison so they can be some kind of woke to vist on the internet it's again not not hard to understand not hard to understand at all i think the problem is that in the 21st century in the white western english speaking world we tend to think about the primary contrast in our lives being between socialization and isolation we're not thinking about the contrast between what's real and what's fake isolation i've had years of my life years of not talking to another human being at all not beyond people asking me do you want to pay 10 cents for a bag with your groceries i lived in germany the only interactions i had with anyone in germany were when i bought groceries and they asked me in german if i lived in france i've lived in taiwan i mean recently when i was living in taiwan no contact with any other human being aside from saying hello when i was walking into the gym to the security guy where you got to show your card on the real four years at a stretch i used to be a scholar of buddhism in many ways i led a more monastic life than the buddhist monks i know what it's like to live in silence and isolation and i know what it's like to be striving to live a better life what i see as the profound and corrupting influence of success on social media of finding the seeming semblance of friendship on the internet even if it's just 10 or 15 people you missed 15 people saying you're doing doing a wonderful job rescuing those chickens or 15 30 people on instagram telling you you look great in your bikini it doesn't take it doesn't take a whole lot right and then not questioning what is the work you have to do to be the person that you want to become you live your life with this irreconcilable contrast between how people treat you your own friends your own family your co-workers your boss you know you may work at mcdonald's you may be in class at university which again sometimes demeaning sometimes disrespectful but above all demanding where people are asking you hey who are you gonna be what are you gonna accomplish oh yeah really prove it to me show me what you got show me how talented how self-disciplined how hard-working you are and if you're gonna do that it's gonna mean a lot of time alone right it's gonna be a lot of hard work in isolation not this instant gratification of the crowd applauding of this kind of education this is this one world and then there's this other world of warm embraces appreciation adulation people telling you you're beautiful and even if you're not beautiful they find some way to flatter you and tell you that you're a beautiful soul you have this light shining through your eyes that you're an inspiration blah blah blah which can be even more warping to the human ego and what we lose track of so easily is that one of these worlds is real and one is fake one is true and one is false and what we're training ourselves to do is live in isolation while imagining that we're surrounded by friends and we're never learning the self-discipline how to educate ourselves how to develop ourselves how to train ourselves how to develop how to make the most of isolation because what we're doing with our time is simply to try to score more points to gain more followers to get more of that positive feedback from those false friends