LOVE / RELATIONSHIPS — Supporting Your Partner in their Ambitions.

so I have a really simple point to make
in this video it's simple but it's deep and it turns out it's more difficult for me to express without offending or alienating the people in my life I'm concerned about how this video is going to be viewed by people in my life right now keeping it all the way real with you the really simple point I want to make in this video and not for the first time is that these guys who are into this nofap ideologies guys who are into a lot of these kind of anti-woman vaguely misogynistic ideologies like [ __ ] towel men going their own way and the [ __ ] I really think they haven't even considered I think they haven't given enough thought to the possibility that a woman can play a positive role in their lives that a woman doesn't necessarily subtract from your ambition that a woman doesn't reduce your ability to pursue the goals that really manage life that she can add to that she can add to that ambition and this even comes down to a little bit of a kind of biological misconception I mean the no-fat movement they really regard women as vampires because they think women robbed them of their mental energy that women love them of their imagination and they robbed them of their ambition like on a chemical level it's complete nonsense and as you know apart from wanting to say look women can give you more ambition and more Drive and more energy in mentally and otherwise the idea that this relationship can play a really positive role in you pursuing your goals a lot of these guys seem to have just never thought that through and of course I mean I'm the last person to come on here and give you a candy-coated version of reality in some ways my first marriage that has ended in divorce was the perfect marriage in so many ways I can say wonderful things about it you know I can say terrible things about it too but I mean you know when I was younger I was really looking for a woman who would understand me why because a lot unlike a lot of these guys talk about being self-reliant and independent as an abstract virtue I actually was self-reliant and independent I was doing independent research I was teaching myself languages teaching yourself a language with teacher and no classroom it's incredibly hard work I was undertaking original research and even doing very independent things in terms of my career and earning money and you know what that independence gets you it gets you alone there's a difference between being lonely and being alone I was alone and you know when I was younger it really meant a lot to me to have a woman in my life who would sit down at the breakfast table and be able to understand what motivated me in life understand the project that was undertaking understand the direction I was going in life who could sit down with me at the breakfast table and even if she's not involved even if she's not part of the project who could really contribute positively to my aspirations and goals and you know what I've outgrown it I don't even care about any that stuff anymore that's the bizarre thing I feel like I've got to come on here and maybe give younger guys advice that was based on who I was when I was a younger man but I don't care about any of that stuff anymore I mean the marriage I had my first marriage I say in some ways really meaningfully was the perfect marriage I got married to a woman with a PhD in cultural anthropology a woman who really deeply understood not just the research I was doing on paper like research involving books and libraries and archives and history and politics and publications but a woman who understood the importance of the work I did in terms of fieldwork in terms of going out in the field and talking to people face-to-face and making things happen in the real world who understood what I had going on in terms of charity work and everything else and who played this wonderful supportive role in my life and in so many ways I feel like I got to come on here on camera and say to these guys who were into nofap you can have this too you can find a woman who doesn't subtract from your ambitions but adds to them and on a physical biological level you can have a sex life that doesn't leave you feeling exhausted and demoralized that leaves you feeling more energized and more motivated and more inspired with more imagination you can have that but the ambivalence I have is that the the truth is now at age 38 I don't eat any of that stuff and again I mean you know I don't want to glorify that either it's you know for me I reached a point in terms of maturity I have been so isolated for so long and you know some of my earlier girlfriends they really did not understand who I was I ever once had that I mean unless you unless you've never had a girlfriend never had a boyfriend you know what it's like to be in a relationship where no matter how well you explain yourself this person is never gonna get you you know this for whatever reason and it is not even because they don't love you I've been in relationships where the girl loves me so much she's so much love for me but her love blinds her to who I really am and no matter how clearly I explain no matter how much I explain Who I am she's in love with an image of me she has in her own head she loves me to bits really loves me but she's never gonna understand me she's never gonna Know Who I am so you know definitely when I was younger there was wanting to be understood and there was wanting to have a woman who plays that supportive role in my pursuit of my own ambitions but now at age 38 I don't give a damn about any of that stuff I don't want men to understand me and I'm now at a point where I'd be completely comfortable being in a relationship with a woman who has none of that stuff in common with me who can't relate to and can't understand my background my professional background my research background my aspirations in in that respect um damn so look this is really what I think is the challenge for these younger guys and maybe it's still a challenge for some for some older guys too one you have to know what your ambitions are though of course I mean it goes that saying don't start from this misconception that the woman is only gonna be an obstacle to your ambitions that the woman is only gonna be a distraction from your ambitions that the woman is gonna subtract maybe the woman can play a positive role in your life in adding to you know your ambitions and assisting you and your pursuit of ambitions and by the same token you as the man you have to play the same positive role in her life and you have to work at it somebody was just saying in my in my stream they said oh well why can't you just be in a relationship and just be yourself [ __ ] that okay what if your next girlfriend what if your next wife wants to be a surgeon and is going through Medical School you've got to take it you as the man you got to change your life to play a supportive role for her doing that okay it goes both ways and you're not gonna do that by just being yourself what if you know the next woman involved with is literally a farmer she's involved in agronomy she's studying you know the science and practical work of how to prefer you think I'm not gonna change you think I'm gonna just be myself [ __ ] that don't just be yourself change who you are and work hard at it hit the books hit the gym hit the pharma whatever hit whatever you gotta hit for you as a man to change so you are consciously changing your life so you play a supportive role in for her and the pursuit of her ambitions and for you step one is you got to know what your ambitions are you've got to be honest with yourself of what your ambitions are and then you have to learn to communicate to her what the positive role is she can play in helping you in the support of in in the pursuit of your ambitions and that's hard to do for most men most men are terrible at communicating that most men are terrible about being honest with themselves about what their ambitions are and the problem is if you're talking about a long-term relationship your ambitions are gonna change okay there was a time when I was in Southeast Asia pursuing a combination of humanitarian work you know politics history like I was doing research on the history of slavery and heal Buddhism was a huge part of my life there's no way to did you know Buddhism was connected all those things my research in the history of Buddhism was linked to the history of slavery and you know communism and the war and post-war week insertion all this meaningful stuff alone in my life and you know what that ended then there was a point in my life where that was over and that was in the past tense and I took on a totally new direction in my research and my passions and I was expecting the same woman to stay with me and I was expecting the same woman who played a supportive role in my life when we were living in Cambodia together to play a totally different role supporting me in my ambitions when we move to Canada together okay so being honest with yourself about what your ambitions are and what the role is the woman you what will you want her to play that that's very very hard to communicate and it's gonna happen both ways and it's gonna mean work it's not gonna mean just being yourself it's not gonna mean just being loving or loving the other person all right it's gonna be work for her and it's gonna be work for you too and I guess I mean my point is now now that I'm so old another 38 maybe if you don't need her to play any supportive role at all maybe maybe if you're that guy maybe that's also what you've got to communicate the example I used in my first video on this that was really spontaneous and almost joking is actually a really good example to come back to though if you are a guy who is into repairing automobiles what you like to do is go in your garage and take a broken-down car and fix it up it's very unlikely that you will have a girlfriend who is literally in the garage with you holding a wrench hands on helping you with that task right maybe maybe you do some guys have a girlfriend and they're involved to that extent some guys even if their girlfriend could be in the grudge they don't want them to be they don't want them to play that role but what is the role you want her to play maybe if you're really being honest with yourself and you can really communicate it to her maybe the role you want her to play is that when she sits down at the breakfast table she's talking to you about what's going on in your projects she's asking you about what's going on in the garage she's talking through with you your plans and your ambitions in a way that you find positive and supportive and meaningful and wonderful and that again inspires you to do more makes you more energized that's not this is not a vampire pulling something away for you maybe it just is those positive understanding conversations at the breakfast table and there are guys watching this we're going to hear that and say no you're dead wrong there guys hearing this who will look back on every relationship they've ever had and say no I dread the there are guys are gonna watch this and say they wake up every morning and what they fear most is having to sit down at the breakfast table and listen to the inane [ __ ] that their wife or their girlfriend brings and they don't want to sit down and listen to a bunch of questions from somebody who doesn't understand them and doesn't support them and where that whole breakfast table conversation is only something that subtracts from their own visions like it's an unwanted source of misery that they have to deal with guess what if that's your situation that's the wrong girl for you and you're probably the wrong man for her maybe the problem is just communication maybe the problem is that you haven't communicated to her what your ambitions are maybe you haven't communicated to her what the positive role she can play in you pursuing your ambitions really is maybe maybe or maybe your ambitions have changed since you first got together like me I switched from Cambodia to Canada maybe when you first got together you had a totally different set of goals than you have now I mean you have to reflect that maybe but maybe this is someone maybe the particular woman you're with you gotta leave her and instead of viewing women this way as always playing a subtractive role in your pursuit of your vision subtracting from your ambition your position maybe you need to flip this upside down and just use it as a criterion where you promise yourself you're not gonna fall in love with a woman you're not getting to gonna get into relation unless she can play that positive role unless she can play that supportive role and not everybody can and you know in so many cases of course you just got to break up and move on no matter how painful that may be either because she can't play that role maybe you can't communicate that that role or maybe maybe you haven't been honest with yourself about what your ambitions really are and how the other person that relationship is gonna fit into those ambitions