3DS: Video Games for Attractive People Who Have Sex.

shadow of the ninja generally just referred to as kage in its japanese version is perhaps the ultimate heterosexual couples game you've got a man and a woman and an army of robots and together you have to play through the incredibly simplistic repetitious challenge of chopping down those robots like so much firewood on some kind of vaguely defined mission to save the world is it couples therapy no it's not it's better and the soundtrack is so excellent that the next time you go to see your therapist you are going to insist that they provide you with soul-searching advice while listening to the music from shadow of the ninja [Applause] some of you are clicking on this video with the assumption that there are two types of people in this world some are just too sexy to play video games and some are so hideously ugly or so socially awkward or so undesirable for intellectual and ethical reasons that all they're ever gonna have in their lives are video games instead of sex love romance and the uh more refined pleasures of both the body and the mind the truth is of course more complicated than that there are some people watching this video who think why would i ever waste my time playing video games when i could be cheating on my girlfriend and there are some of you who think why would i ever cheat on my girlfriend when i could instead be spending that time playing video games now i am not here to dispute the wisdom or morality of cheating on your girlfriend most of you will recognize right away if you cheat someone is going to get their heart broken someone is going to get hurt and if you're the one doing the cheating in all likelihood paradoxically enough the person who ends up with a broken heart is going to be you but when you think about a grown man sitting alone playing video games for just five hours a week in my opinion as bad as sleeping around may be you're looking at a dude who's doing something far worse with his time with the limited amount of intelligence imagination and initiative he's got to work with he is doing something far worse by putting that time into video games then frankly if he put the same time and effort into sleeping around and that brings us to the momentous topic of this video the question of whether or not there are any video games that you would play you should play you might play sitting down with your girlfriend sitting down with your wife sitting down with the woman you love when there are better things the two of you could be doing such as frankly having sex with each other and as obvious as this question may be you will find it strangely overlooked in the literature of video game journalism because most of the guys doing these reviews most of the guys writing these articles they barely touch the two-player mode because there is nobody in their life to be that second player and from the perspective of somebody who simply has something better to do somebody who could be reading a book who could be accomplishing something great or yes somebody who could be having or giving another human being dozens of orgasms the question becomes what video game if any is worth playing and paradoxically the answer often is very simple very quick games that are no more deep or complicated than pong yes yes y'all this is sega tennis a game that very much in principle and practice is no better than and no different from pong and yet i can well imagine you might sit down with your girlfriend with your husband with your wife and for five or 15 minutes enjoy it to that same extent not because the video game is so great but because you're enjoying each other's company while barely noticing that you're playing a game at all i am recording this video on may 23rd of 2022 the last possible day that you could log into the nintendo eshop and pay to download bomb monkey here depending on where you are it's about a dollar and 99 cents if you saw this video on the day it was uploaded and you paid to download this video it would cost you pennies and just one day later it would be virtually priceless because the only way to buy the game once the eshop closes down is on a limited run cartridge bomb monkey very simple game played face to face with two people sitting on opposite sides of the same 3ds console a typical video game journalist would complain that the game is shallow that it's repetitious that it's something you'd only ever want to play for three minutes but those are exactly the things that as a two player experience for someone has something better to do makes it great columns by sega is one of the most misunderstood and most underrated of mainstream games ever made and that's for a simple reason that unfortunately has no simple solution in the year 2022.1 just like pong just like that tennis game that's every bit as simple as pong the only reason you would ever want to play this game is to play it in two player mode with someone you love with someone who's a company you enjoy with someone you may be having a conversation with while you play the game and yeah it's only gonna be five minutes and so for the reasons i've already stated it's inevitable that video game journalists are gonna overlook and underrate this because they don't play the games in two player mode secondly the single greatest misconception about columns is that the genesis version is the best is the definitive version of the game to be played to be reviewed to be enjoyed the genesis version is broken the two player mode is broken the definitive version the best version of columns is the 8-bit version and there are two of them one is the game gear version of the game and there are only two ways to play this right now either you go and you download it from the 3ds eshop today to play it on a nintendo 3ds or you play it on original hardware and yes yes y'all this is what original hardware looks like so if you aren't gonna own two game gears with a link cable connecting them and you're not gonna somehow download it from the 3ds eshop today your alternative is to play the sega master system version also 8-bit also excellent whether the game gear version is better than the master system or the master system is better than the game gear i can't say but it is those two versions it's the two 8-bit versions that are worth playing and that have an excellent two-player mode that is utterly lacking from the 16-bit version from the genesis and in my opinion every other version of this game 16-bit or 32-bit is not worth playing the sega 3d classics collection has been very cheaply available as a download from the nintendo eshop and now that the eshop is ceasing to exist i would predict that the cartridge will become more and more expensive even though it is not scarce the compelling reason to buy this is not to own one copy but to own two copies so that you can play two-player puyo puyo is it worth it well if you want the other games in the cartridge for example you want a really good version of sonic 1 then fine go for it but the truth is this isn't the best way to play puyo puyo this is not even the best way to play puyo poyo on the 3ds believe it or not that goes to the 8-bit version adapted from the game gear dr robotnik's mean bean machine again only worth playing as a two-player game i would never sit and play this alone but we're not talking about playing video games alone and we're not talking about losing 40 hours a week to a life-ruining habit if you wanted something to sit down and play for five minutes with your girlfriend yep despite the graphics being so ugly this is one of the best options on the platform and the question is how will it be playable once this particular platform dies for a long time i've wanted to make a video discussing games that are better in their 8-bit version than in their 16-bit version in some cases it's that the 8-bit version is better than the arcade game and this life force also known in japan as salamander this is definitely an example of that now i will never have the free time to make that video contrasting eight versions of 16-bit versions it's just not going to happen i'm an ambitious person and yeah not only do i have better things to do i have better things to do than cheating on my girlfriend it has to be said but if you ever want to take a break from saving the world to play a video game in which you pretend to be saving the world this is one of the greatest two-player simultaneous cooperative examples of its genre and yes i would be remiss if i did not mention if you wanted to get a tattoo based on a video games cover art this would probably be in the short list of best options of best contenders [Music] [Music] bye