I killed TkyoSam: he wouldn't stop living a lie.

if you have no idea who this video is about watch it anyway because you know somebody like this or in the years to come you're gonna know somebody like this someone who's ruining their life someone who's leading a meaningless life someone who really is trapped in a sort of living death and if they can't snap out of their own cycle of delusion and grandiose self-justification it's gonna kill them [Music] climate change is bad we're purchasing the climate climate change rally what's the point of the protest you feel really good about yourself do you think you do it to feel good about yourself or for the climate i mean i do it for the climate and an added positive that you get to feel good about yourself we're not gonna go to school we're not gonna go to work we're gonna protest the climate and hopefully eventually like legislators notice that we care about this and we want change you should pull up what what is that gonna do um it's honestly also just very empowering like it's fun you meet people you know you care about the climate you care about the climate i'm i'm not sure what this does though wait does it hurt like what else are we gonna do you be out protest or not it's uh i went to some of the black lives matter ones do you feel good about yourself after like no i didn't i i was looking around like this is such a waste like we're yelling these names i don't even know these people i'm not doing anything and the politicians don't care have these people here to steal [Music] i like being a selfish [ __ ] you know being a selfish [ __ ] is great no one relies on you and you don't rely on anybody else you know even though i'm waking up early and i'm going to the gym i just feel like everything else is kind of in a mess i went to the fat guy shop and uh and like you know like i uh i tried on like uh normally i'm a 6l japanese wise for jackets and they only had like a x4 or something and it was just way too small i mean it fit my on my shoulders and my arms uh really well but it's just the stomach was just too small and it was just frustrating you know like like i wanna like you know i want it's like you want things but anyway i just i don't know i just i i've been feeling like you know i went to the it just it sucks cause like you know i go to the fat guy shop and i'm limited there's only one shop in japan or at least in tokyo that i can buy fat clothes from it's just it's frustrating to be like okay you know i'm fat so i need to like you know i only have a limited amount of places to buy um to buy clothing in japan i i want uh like you know what is i want to be in better shape so i can do more physical stuff you know like i want to be able to [ __ ] i want to be able to to go and climb mount fuji i want to be able to [ __ ] swim in the ocean you know i want to be able to [ __ ] be able to walk long distances i want to be able to start doing martial arts so i can do martial arts videos for youtube you know it's just all this [ __ ] like i want a hot girlfriend just to simply piss off people on the internet a hot japanese girlfriend you know [Music] like uh you know i want people around me that are doing stuff you know that like inspire me like everybody i'm around right now they don't inspire me to [ __ ] they just make me think like they get just get me frustrated because i see kind of a reflection of myself where they're just wasting their life but unlike them like i know what i want and like i'm just uh i don't know i i just i'm around this mentality i realize that the guest house that i've been around my whole life which is just just kind of like well trying stuff is scary so i'm just gonna very very shittily half-ass everything and then hope it works out and then when it doesn't i'm just gonna blame other people like they they wanna they wanna dream very small you know and it's just like again like with adhd though too though it's like you know my like i have all these things that i want and then i'm like oh a squirrel you know like i forget and it's just like maybe i just need to up the dosage on my adhd meds or maybe i need to take more time to kind of meditate and chill and figure out what i need to do [Music] you know like the way i thought of it is that like there's um you know you gotta kind of think about yourself like i forgot where i heard this but it's like when you're thinking of yourself as a uh as a successful person a successful person isn't just thinking about themselves and they're thinking about their families they're thinking about their friends and they're thinking about their employees like they're thinking about the people that rely on them i like being a selfish [ __ ] you know being a salvage [ __ ] is great no one relies on you and you don't rely on anybody else you know a lot of these people that are just like yeah whatever i mean like they don't really have that feeling of somebody relying on them uh to be the man you know to be in charge and so i think that's like another reason why a lot of people just got like yeah what the [ __ ] whatever but i haven't really been exercising or going out a lot uh because it's been raining for a whole week but uh yeah even before that i was just being lazy i have all these goals for this year and it's on my screen right now and i realized i made a lot of harder goals this year than i did last year like last year's goals were simple like you know wake up at 7 a.m i still do that quit drinking soda still have done that uh two gallons of water a day well not two gallons but i drink definitely two of these a day which is six liters so that's almost two gallons uh start crypto and stock trading did that kept 100k subs didn't do that 5k a month didn't do that go from 186 to 100 kilos didn't do that so i accomplished five of my goals for 2021. you know people like haters like you know there's haters watching this video right now they're watching us among all of you beautiful you know 99 of you who are just love me and just come here to support your papa there's that one percent that are going through every part of this video just to timestamp and be like ah he said this about that oh [ __ ] sam and it's funny because they're more hardcore viewers than the regular viewers but they're uh i love it they're just foaming at the mouth now probably hearing about this because it's like haha like uh they're like sam hasn't accomplished any of his goals [ __ ] sam hahaha [ __ ] [ __ ] and um you know it makes me it's funny because they're like he quit soda he quit fast food but he's still fat then what a fat [ __ ] these two friends of mine they both sent me ironically like within the same month they don't know each other but they sent me the same link for like a gastic bip a gastric bypass surgery clinic in shinjuku if you look back at the videos i've made that were directly or indirectly addressed to tko sam it's conspicuous how nice i've been to this guy it seems wildly inconsistent with my character with how i've addressed and criticized so many other youtubers when he has obviously no redeeming qualities and there are many characteristics of the man that i would perceive as evil and that i would find fault with that i would criticize as evil in others the truth is the particular psychopathology of tequila sam reminds me very much of my own father that doesn't mean i like it it doesn't mean i like him but i'm very much accustomed to confronting my own father i'm very much accustomed to like waking up every day and over breakfast sitting down with my father and saying sometimes politely sometimes humorously sometimes in a really confrontational and ugly way every day saying to my father no you're lying you're lying to me you're lying to yourself no you're delusional no that never happened no that's never gonna happen no you're wrong we're like again and again every day trying to pin down my father on the lies he's told in the past on the lies he's telling now and pretty much every single one of my father's lies they were always as psychologists would say grandiose i remember saying to him in like his last year before he died like haven't you noticed a pattern that in all of your lies i'm always the bad guy and you're the wonderful hero haven't you noticed like all of your lies they're somehow making everything bad in your life somebody else's fault even when it's your son and like even when it was your son who was like living in cambodia at the time and had nothing to do with your problems where it makes no sense to blame me at all like haven't you noticed that all of your lies consistently make you into some kind of wonderful hero and disparage everyone else as the villain now when you live that way for a long time it starts to become a kind of self-reinforcing dynamic in your life and i carefully chose to include that segment where tico sam blames his circle of friends which he's done many times for many years he blames the circle of friends for their lack of ambition for their lack of positive aspiration their their stupidity and laziness to some extent oh oh gee gee gtko why do you think you surround yourself with those people why why do you think it's only that kind of person that tolerates your company i mean you know look at my father and he thinks of himself as this great intellectual as this great man it's like gee why is it you only surround yourself with these people you despise and belittle and look down upon and why is it you really can't stand to be in the room with anyone who challenges you on your [ __ ] now look there are so many ways in which tko sam and my father are very different men they've lived very different lives but there are some ways for me subjectively in which it's striking how similar they are you know it really matters to tkyo sam that he can go to a bar and get drunk and that some young slender attractive woman will pay attention to him or flirt with him or joke around with him that he'll get some kind of positive attention and he just seems to not care at all that this young woman is for example a bartender whose job is to put up with fat drunken slobs like you who like her job description and her training will literally say you have to learn to laugh at jokes you don't think are funny and to like politely reciprocate the amorous advances of men who have no chance with you and you have no romantic interest in like the difference between true and false just doesn't matter to you at all because your ego is based on a kind of living myth right the mythology you want to be a part of right the mythology you're acting out you're embodying however you want to put it is that you're that dude who walks into that bar and drinks that alcohol and i don't know spends that money or you don't dance i mean you know i don't know what else you do in this bar and that that you are the man and you know in his case his transplant why is oh it's because it's because you have a great sense of humor you know you like you cling you know that's what you think it is you know you don't think any of these people have pity for you you don't think any of them have contempt for you you don't think any of them are just trying to in that great asian tradition save face and help you save face now look i don't really believe that everyone gets to do with their life whatever they want to you know it's it's a really fundamental assumption in our culture that like you're born on this planet and you're just here to have a good time and you know however you do that you know like if you're a foot fetishist you just spend all your time looking at photographs of shoes or something like that's that's cool that's just no problem and if you want to be a competitive skiing champion then just spend all your time and money going skiing and that's cool because hey in the end all of us end up in a body bag so you know hashtag yolo you might as well just live it up you know i don't i don't really think that's a viable model of human life you know i think the reality is that some people make the right choices and some people make the wrong ones and when you you know when you've been going for more than five years like tko sam saying that you literally can't walk up and down stairs anymore without intense pain in your leg when you've been going like tko sam for five years or more year after year making a new year's resolution that you're going to lose 100 pounds and then you don't even lose 10 pounds you know what i mean no no it's it's not the case that life is this kind of wide open buffet of myriad nearly infinite options no no no in life you get really stark choices and when you look back on them with detachment and insight and intelligence you realize there's one choice that's right there's one choice that's wrong however these choices are never presented to you as a fork in the road they never presented you in like a menu like a video game like a jrpg if you know what i mean you know it's not like this little box and you pick which one you're going to do which option no in life what you always got are challenges posed to you in terms of priority okay let's say you're a man you meet a beautiful woman an intelligent woman a woman with various virtues and redeeming qualities but you just can't get along so it doesn't work out you drift apart 10 years later you're wondering what happened to you whatever what you might not have realized was you had a choice there you had an option okay and the option was to make that relationship your top priority not for the rest of your life not even for 10 years maybe just for six months maybe you had to quit your job to make that relationship work like maybe it was that tough and by the way this could be any combination of genders it could be a gay man with a gay man it could be a woman pursuing whatever you know maybe you had to stop everything you were doing maybe you had to cancel your plans to go visit your parents for christmas like in a six month time you probably had a whole list of things you assumed were gonna do maybe you had to stop playing video games maybe you had to stop going to the bar like you know maybe you had to look at all your priorities in life and so you know what if i don't make this relationship absolutely my top priority right now i'm going to regret it for the rest of my life this woman and i we don't get along right but but you want her to be your wife or some kind of relationship that's going to last for decades it's going to last though you're all going to last your time if you don't make this the top priority in your life and cancel a whole lot of other engagements and obligations to make that to make that happen okay you will regret it forever and most men go through their whole lives not even or realizing this is an option they don't realize it in their relations with women they don't realize it in terms of their career you know they don't realize in terms of learning a language like you know if you go to buckle down and really learn japanese for six months you have to make other sacrifices they don't realize it in terms of any of the distractions and options in their life do you know what else tikio you know what else man sometimes you gotta stop and recognize that your top priority in a strange sense has to be your relationship with yourself that in some sense i myself do not have the words to express you've got to sit down and sort out who you are what kind of person you want to be and what you're going to do to make it happen and it's never as simple as weight loss it's never as simple as getting on a getting on a treadmill and adjusting your diet and so on and so forth you haven't even questioned tko the way in which you losing the weight you leading a more meaningful life will require you to quit drinking alcohol forever so like you have a turning point in your life where you never drink alcohol again dude i hear you talking about how you get drunk and basically how you binge eat once you're drunk and you can't tell me your drinking hasn't impacted every other aspect of your life in the last 10 years your relationships with women your relationships with books let's put it that but that way the life of the mind however you want to think of that and yeah sure your body that is at this point falling apart right it's not some simple isolated decision you know to lose weight build muscle mass you know it's not isolatable from these other questions fundamental questions of what kind of person you're going to be and what you're going to do to make that happen but nothing is going to change nothing is going to happen if you can't realize that you're standing at a fork in the road all the time there's a question not of what you're going to do versus not do you know not not the difference between going north and going south but the question of am i going to make this my top priority maybe for six months maybe for two years am i going to sacrifice everything else where i treat this as the one thing that matters and i give it a hundred and ten percent and if i don't if i don't make that decision now and step my level of effort way the hell up am i going to regret it for the rest of my life there is a fork in the road in front of you like right here right now like is this my now deceased father he was standing at a fork of the road every [ __ ] day and the question was really am i going to tell a lie or am i going to tell the truth and you know the lies we tell on youtube as bad as they may be they're not as binding they're not as dangerous as the lies that we tell ourselves i sympathize with te kyo sam only because he reminds me of my father my father was a man who could not live without his lies his problem was that he just never could stop making excuses for the [ __ ] terrible person that he was and it's when you stop making excuses that you can make it a priority to become someone else frankly to be a better man but you can't even think through what that better person is that you might be if you can't come to a complete halt in this cycle of deception and self-deception this cycle of living a lie