Yes, I love my daughter.
13 July 2016 [link youtube]
Youtube Automatic Transcription
point one is the fact that I love my
daughter and the way in which that relates to what I do and don't say on YouTube the way in which that relates to what I am and am NOT doing here in China right now I get mostly mean-spirited questions about this but once in a while at someone with good intentions who just does not know how to express themselves in an inoffensive way learning the Chinese language for me has always been very strongly linked to my daughter and I have talked about that both on my blog and on YouTube and in podcasts what you guys may not realize is that my daughter is growing up with Chinese as her second language and the primary reason indeed the only reason why I started learning Chinese when I was in Taiwan was because my daughter now my daughter is not ethnic Lee Chinese however you may have met I don't know bourgeois white people who very casually say they're going to try to teach their kids Chinese growing up who are not serious about it my ex-wife and I were very very serious about it so serious that we moved to Taiwan and we moved to Taiwan with a very small baby being carried in her arms that was a memorable flight we flew from France to Taiwan we rented a house in Taiwan and we got set up very seriously in Taiwan for my daughter to have an early childhood education with Chinese as her second language now since we split up I do not know how serious my ex-wife has been about that but I assume she has remained pretty serious about raising my daughter with Chinese as her as her second language or possibly as her third language at this point I don't know that would be very much in character max wife and she's never told me that you changed that plan so i think that's that's very likely to continue my ex-wife is not completely fluent in chinese but chinese was central to her area of study whereas it has never been central to my own area of study and it still isn't but I'm in China right now learned so the idea that my being in China is somehow unrelated to my daughter is false short-term and long-term it's very strongly linked to my daughter it is quite possible that my ex-wife and daughter would visit me here in kunming I got one very brief email from ex-wife saying that you would it's like to sentence email or something say oh yeah ok I'm going to come and visit you could make with with my daughter and then I never heard anything more about that I doubt that was a lie I think when she wrote that email she meant it but I really don't know if the plans evaporated or maybe her lawyer told her not to or I don't know just never heard anything more about that um and look I mean a lot of you guys also all of the opinions about my legal situations are just surreal on the internet I think all you people have grown up watching TV and movies and you think you know a lot more about how the law works than you do i do love my daughter i do miss my daughter i do think about my daughter almost every day I think if anyone says they think about their kid every single day they're lying because some days you are just so busy that doesn't enter you into your mind I mean I think if you had a job like you're a firefighter or something the days when you're actually in a burning building those tasty don't think about your kid but the reality of my life these last couple of years has been that I absolutely did have enough free time and I still do have enough free time to think a lot about my daughter so as I'm sitting here you know studying Chinese writing out pages and pages a Chinese script yeah I have I have the time thing my daughter and I do both while I'm awake and while I'm asleep I do frequently have dreams about my daughter I have lucid dreams only as an adult would be home at the video for me to talk about dreams in the world that dreams play in my life recently I was talking with out with vegan gains of all people he's much more of a dreamer than I am as a character I talked about the role of dreams and hallucinations in my life because I'm anti-drug I'm against the use of you know LSD or other hallucinatory drugs but I do recognize in both the history of philosophy history civilization and in many people's personalized that both hallucinations and dreams often play an important role for me personally it's of autobiographical significance that on the day I've recorded the video in which I break down weeping twice a video that now has over a hundred thousand views video which I briefly suggests that you know I hope this court case with Durham right i hope this conflict with during writer his denunciation doesn't impact my divorce negative and so on I recorded that immediately after waking up from a short nap due to jetlag and what-have-you was sleeping at strange times at a short nap during which I did dream about my daughter again and i woke up straight out of that nap and hit record to record that that monologue really with the kind of emotional impact of seeing my daughter in my dream very much still fresh in my mind and I mean you guys don't know me well if nobody knows me well have to tell but at the start of that video I'm still a little bit of sleep when I watch it I can see that I can see it in my eyes I can see it in my face that I haven't fully woken up and then a few minutes into the video I'm a bit more alert but I do that sort of thing intentionally that reflects my background in the theater and what have you where you know I do not want to present a cold and rational exterior on this channel I very intentionally want to be emotionally porous on camera I want to not just talk about my feelings but really show my feelings and in that case you know I succeeded and really showing my feelings about my daughter of course the other thing that made that recording so ludicrously emotionally intense I knew I mean I woke up I was in this kind of very raw state coming straight out of a dream about my daughter but you know during that recording for half a second the electricity cuts out and you see that in the video and I freaked out then I respond to it that was also very real because emotionally you're pouring your heart out on camera and if the electricity cuts out you know I wasn't sure I could do it again you know it's like if the ultra ste cuts out and I've lost this how can I ever record this again how can it ever be dis real with this immediate with this emotional with all that being said I do think it would be lame if I came here on the channel every couple of days or every week or something and talked about how much I miss my daughter I do it periodically you know there are updates about my divorce but I mean the other side of this is you know guys like vegan cheetah cheetah periodically has to come on and talk about his criminal record talk about you know his talk about his personal life in a way that recapitulates things he said on his channel six months ago because there were people he has new fans who have never gone back and watched the videos from six months ago so no I mean my daughter is still very much a part of my life in terms of why I'm doing what I am doing and why I'm not doing other things uh legally again both legally and more really this is what I'm about to say is more to do with ethics than the law I would never show up at my ex-wife's house or apartment uninvited I would just absolutely never do that under any circumstances so from my perspective my ability to see my daughter rests entirely on my wife's cooperation so illegally she's still my wife because the divorce is still not finished you know I can refer to as my ex-wife whatever because we've we filed for divorce but the paperwork and and the actual trial and so on the court proceedings are still unfinished what if you want to say so you know there's this long drama already discussed on this channel where I did go to visit my ex wife and daughters last time I did that she basically stabbed me in the back and again for me ethically so like you know it this is massively simplifying but she invited me to come see my daughter and then in what I interpret as an attempt to blackmail me she she pulled the rug out from under that up she she in effect cancelled the author offer once I had already spent all the money and flown will commit it to fly over to Germany i bought the airplane tickets to paid for the room and everything else so very sad situation but I would never I would never show up uninvited to me again even if there's no legal question involved I said I would never do um so in order for her to prevent me from seeing my daughter all she has to do is not respond to an email and she done that many times where you know China vaguely says okay you can come visit your daughter and then for whatever reason the negotiations just go silent not even negotiations just arrangements like okay when should i come what have you and legally she's played various games with that uh again i don't want to tell the whole story here but she basically had me declared m.i.a legally she had me declared equivalent to dead in france pretending that she had no contact with me at a time when the email record alone shows she was getting email from me and replying to email from me so she knew I was alive she knew where I was I have emails where I described to her at length where I'm living and you know details because she was considering moving over and joining me in victoria canada so i talked about where the grocery store is you know human details with that so any so legally she's now in a terrible position because in my opinion she has lied to the court I'm saying those things for legal reasons my understanding of the situation is that she lied to the court and she misled the court and claimed that I was again legally dead legally m.i.a that I disappeared without a trace when we can prove in court very simply that that's not true at all and on the contrary during that period time I was sending gifts to my daughter and I was trying to arrange to visit my daughter I was trying to be an active part of my daughter's life but her reasons for preventing me from seeing my daughter as I say may well have been linked to that strategy on her part that you wanted to have me declared missing or dead now the only update i have on that i got one very short email that was from my wife's lawyer sent to my lawyer sent to me so i do not know if this is based on something my ex-wife said or if it's purely the lawyers talking you don't know there's you know we say in English broken telephones is an indirect message but that last message of God can be um can be summarized in one sentence I got a message from ex-wife's lawyer saying how much money do you want now that's surreal to me in many ways because our situation our problem couldn't possibly be resolved by money I mean how how are you gonna buy me in this situation and beyond that you know my ex-wife is not a millionaire you know if my ex-wife were literate were actually bill gates you know maybe there'd be some conversation yet but the nature of this whole situation I I don't want to bankrupt my ex-wife I don't want to you know make my ex-wife and daughter more poor like you know and what how how can money possibly solve any of these problems you know even if it were millions of dollars how could it but of course in this case you know so to me that was bizarre and the only the only spin I can put on that is that I think that my ex-wife lawyer her lawyer must just be sitting there with her you know her head in her hands saying what am I going to do this is a disaster you know legally and morally my ex-wife has put herself in such a bad position they must be very worried about what happens when it goes to court so they're asking if they can buy me but you know you can't buy me and you know what what what do I have to sell it's just surreal what you know after what you've done to me how can money settle anything it's just ridiculous and the other hand if you were just a reasonable human being and cooperated positively in terms of co-parenting you know then there'd be no reason for any legal dispute whatsoever so anyway such is life uh but yeah I mean you know again it's sometimes hate mail sometimes it's people of good intentions but our idiots who are asking well like why aren't you seeing your daughter right now I don't know what you imagine I mean it's something you've seen in a movie like you think I can solve this situation by showing up uninvited at my ex-wife's house or apartment to me even if there was no legal question if there was no there were no lawyers of all that would be immoral simply if my ex wife doesn't want to see me doesn't what I would never show up and again you know there are also other halfway measures like you know my ex-wife could not want to see me but she can drop off my daughter you know at a point where I pick up that you do you can you can arrange to see very little of each other and still spend quality time with your kid but no I mean there's absolutely no way to force the situation morally or ethically to me any kind of initiative of that sort is immoral and on the other hand you know court cases are slow that's it I've I have no timeline I have no estimate from my lawyer about when that divorce will be resolved and the contrary the only legal experts who spoke to me about it but they always just say oh well they always just say oh well you should you should just settle out of court as if nothing's wrong it's like God years have gone by at this point there is ZERO possibility of this being settled without a judge's intervention it seems to me actually two separate court dates with two separate judges will be required so yes I love my daughter she's a huge part of why I'm doing everything I'm doing my life right now why I'm inven rolled in the university program why I signed up to join the army a couple months ago why I'm in China right now learning Chinese why I ever studied Chinese in the first place because it is not my personal interest in any way whatsoever and it's not even in my professional interest it's not that has everything to do with my daughter and my ex-wife and my daughter's presumed future yeah and my presumed future is being being a part of my daughter's life ah and yeah a couple you people who met me face to face you know me and you've been complete about this and I'll never forget be straight with you yeah I'm not gonna name who you are but sure you know um some of you guys could have shown a little bit of sensitivity a little bit of human decency you could have expressed questions as questions instead of as accusations and you didn't you made asses out of yourselves and the relationship between us will will never be the same
daughter and the way in which that relates to what I do and don't say on YouTube the way in which that relates to what I am and am NOT doing here in China right now I get mostly mean-spirited questions about this but once in a while at someone with good intentions who just does not know how to express themselves in an inoffensive way learning the Chinese language for me has always been very strongly linked to my daughter and I have talked about that both on my blog and on YouTube and in podcasts what you guys may not realize is that my daughter is growing up with Chinese as her second language and the primary reason indeed the only reason why I started learning Chinese when I was in Taiwan was because my daughter now my daughter is not ethnic Lee Chinese however you may have met I don't know bourgeois white people who very casually say they're going to try to teach their kids Chinese growing up who are not serious about it my ex-wife and I were very very serious about it so serious that we moved to Taiwan and we moved to Taiwan with a very small baby being carried in her arms that was a memorable flight we flew from France to Taiwan we rented a house in Taiwan and we got set up very seriously in Taiwan for my daughter to have an early childhood education with Chinese as her second language now since we split up I do not know how serious my ex-wife has been about that but I assume she has remained pretty serious about raising my daughter with Chinese as her as her second language or possibly as her third language at this point I don't know that would be very much in character max wife and she's never told me that you changed that plan so i think that's that's very likely to continue my ex-wife is not completely fluent in chinese but chinese was central to her area of study whereas it has never been central to my own area of study and it still isn't but I'm in China right now learned so the idea that my being in China is somehow unrelated to my daughter is false short-term and long-term it's very strongly linked to my daughter it is quite possible that my ex-wife and daughter would visit me here in kunming I got one very brief email from ex-wife saying that you would it's like to sentence email or something say oh yeah ok I'm going to come and visit you could make with with my daughter and then I never heard anything more about that I doubt that was a lie I think when she wrote that email she meant it but I really don't know if the plans evaporated or maybe her lawyer told her not to or I don't know just never heard anything more about that um and look I mean a lot of you guys also all of the opinions about my legal situations are just surreal on the internet I think all you people have grown up watching TV and movies and you think you know a lot more about how the law works than you do i do love my daughter i do miss my daughter i do think about my daughter almost every day I think if anyone says they think about their kid every single day they're lying because some days you are just so busy that doesn't enter you into your mind I mean I think if you had a job like you're a firefighter or something the days when you're actually in a burning building those tasty don't think about your kid but the reality of my life these last couple of years has been that I absolutely did have enough free time and I still do have enough free time to think a lot about my daughter so as I'm sitting here you know studying Chinese writing out pages and pages a Chinese script yeah I have I have the time thing my daughter and I do both while I'm awake and while I'm asleep I do frequently have dreams about my daughter I have lucid dreams only as an adult would be home at the video for me to talk about dreams in the world that dreams play in my life recently I was talking with out with vegan gains of all people he's much more of a dreamer than I am as a character I talked about the role of dreams and hallucinations in my life because I'm anti-drug I'm against the use of you know LSD or other hallucinatory drugs but I do recognize in both the history of philosophy history civilization and in many people's personalized that both hallucinations and dreams often play an important role for me personally it's of autobiographical significance that on the day I've recorded the video in which I break down weeping twice a video that now has over a hundred thousand views video which I briefly suggests that you know I hope this court case with Durham right i hope this conflict with during writer his denunciation doesn't impact my divorce negative and so on I recorded that immediately after waking up from a short nap due to jetlag and what-have-you was sleeping at strange times at a short nap during which I did dream about my daughter again and i woke up straight out of that nap and hit record to record that that monologue really with the kind of emotional impact of seeing my daughter in my dream very much still fresh in my mind and I mean you guys don't know me well if nobody knows me well have to tell but at the start of that video I'm still a little bit of sleep when I watch it I can see that I can see it in my eyes I can see it in my face that I haven't fully woken up and then a few minutes into the video I'm a bit more alert but I do that sort of thing intentionally that reflects my background in the theater and what have you where you know I do not want to present a cold and rational exterior on this channel I very intentionally want to be emotionally porous on camera I want to not just talk about my feelings but really show my feelings and in that case you know I succeeded and really showing my feelings about my daughter of course the other thing that made that recording so ludicrously emotionally intense I knew I mean I woke up I was in this kind of very raw state coming straight out of a dream about my daughter but you know during that recording for half a second the electricity cuts out and you see that in the video and I freaked out then I respond to it that was also very real because emotionally you're pouring your heart out on camera and if the electricity cuts out you know I wasn't sure I could do it again you know it's like if the ultra ste cuts out and I've lost this how can I ever record this again how can it ever be dis real with this immediate with this emotional with all that being said I do think it would be lame if I came here on the channel every couple of days or every week or something and talked about how much I miss my daughter I do it periodically you know there are updates about my divorce but I mean the other side of this is you know guys like vegan cheetah cheetah periodically has to come on and talk about his criminal record talk about you know his talk about his personal life in a way that recapitulates things he said on his channel six months ago because there were people he has new fans who have never gone back and watched the videos from six months ago so no I mean my daughter is still very much a part of my life in terms of why I'm doing what I am doing and why I'm not doing other things uh legally again both legally and more really this is what I'm about to say is more to do with ethics than the law I would never show up at my ex-wife's house or apartment uninvited I would just absolutely never do that under any circumstances so from my perspective my ability to see my daughter rests entirely on my wife's cooperation so illegally she's still my wife because the divorce is still not finished you know I can refer to as my ex-wife whatever because we've we filed for divorce but the paperwork and and the actual trial and so on the court proceedings are still unfinished what if you want to say so you know there's this long drama already discussed on this channel where I did go to visit my ex wife and daughters last time I did that she basically stabbed me in the back and again for me ethically so like you know it this is massively simplifying but she invited me to come see my daughter and then in what I interpret as an attempt to blackmail me she she pulled the rug out from under that up she she in effect cancelled the author offer once I had already spent all the money and flown will commit it to fly over to Germany i bought the airplane tickets to paid for the room and everything else so very sad situation but I would never I would never show up uninvited to me again even if there's no legal question involved I said I would never do um so in order for her to prevent me from seeing my daughter all she has to do is not respond to an email and she done that many times where you know China vaguely says okay you can come visit your daughter and then for whatever reason the negotiations just go silent not even negotiations just arrangements like okay when should i come what have you and legally she's played various games with that uh again i don't want to tell the whole story here but she basically had me declared m.i.a legally she had me declared equivalent to dead in france pretending that she had no contact with me at a time when the email record alone shows she was getting email from me and replying to email from me so she knew I was alive she knew where I was I have emails where I described to her at length where I'm living and you know details because she was considering moving over and joining me in victoria canada so i talked about where the grocery store is you know human details with that so any so legally she's now in a terrible position because in my opinion she has lied to the court I'm saying those things for legal reasons my understanding of the situation is that she lied to the court and she misled the court and claimed that I was again legally dead legally m.i.a that I disappeared without a trace when we can prove in court very simply that that's not true at all and on the contrary during that period time I was sending gifts to my daughter and I was trying to arrange to visit my daughter I was trying to be an active part of my daughter's life but her reasons for preventing me from seeing my daughter as I say may well have been linked to that strategy on her part that you wanted to have me declared missing or dead now the only update i have on that i got one very short email that was from my wife's lawyer sent to my lawyer sent to me so i do not know if this is based on something my ex-wife said or if it's purely the lawyers talking you don't know there's you know we say in English broken telephones is an indirect message but that last message of God can be um can be summarized in one sentence I got a message from ex-wife's lawyer saying how much money do you want now that's surreal to me in many ways because our situation our problem couldn't possibly be resolved by money I mean how how are you gonna buy me in this situation and beyond that you know my ex-wife is not a millionaire you know if my ex-wife were literate were actually bill gates you know maybe there'd be some conversation yet but the nature of this whole situation I I don't want to bankrupt my ex-wife I don't want to you know make my ex-wife and daughter more poor like you know and what how how can money possibly solve any of these problems you know even if it were millions of dollars how could it but of course in this case you know so to me that was bizarre and the only the only spin I can put on that is that I think that my ex-wife lawyer her lawyer must just be sitting there with her you know her head in her hands saying what am I going to do this is a disaster you know legally and morally my ex-wife has put herself in such a bad position they must be very worried about what happens when it goes to court so they're asking if they can buy me but you know you can't buy me and you know what what what do I have to sell it's just surreal what you know after what you've done to me how can money settle anything it's just ridiculous and the other hand if you were just a reasonable human being and cooperated positively in terms of co-parenting you know then there'd be no reason for any legal dispute whatsoever so anyway such is life uh but yeah I mean you know again it's sometimes hate mail sometimes it's people of good intentions but our idiots who are asking well like why aren't you seeing your daughter right now I don't know what you imagine I mean it's something you've seen in a movie like you think I can solve this situation by showing up uninvited at my ex-wife's house or apartment to me even if there was no legal question if there was no there were no lawyers of all that would be immoral simply if my ex wife doesn't want to see me doesn't what I would never show up and again you know there are also other halfway measures like you know my ex-wife could not want to see me but she can drop off my daughter you know at a point where I pick up that you do you can you can arrange to see very little of each other and still spend quality time with your kid but no I mean there's absolutely no way to force the situation morally or ethically to me any kind of initiative of that sort is immoral and on the other hand you know court cases are slow that's it I've I have no timeline I have no estimate from my lawyer about when that divorce will be resolved and the contrary the only legal experts who spoke to me about it but they always just say oh well they always just say oh well you should you should just settle out of court as if nothing's wrong it's like God years have gone by at this point there is ZERO possibility of this being settled without a judge's intervention it seems to me actually two separate court dates with two separate judges will be required so yes I love my daughter she's a huge part of why I'm doing everything I'm doing my life right now why I'm inven rolled in the university program why I signed up to join the army a couple months ago why I'm in China right now learning Chinese why I ever studied Chinese in the first place because it is not my personal interest in any way whatsoever and it's not even in my professional interest it's not that has everything to do with my daughter and my ex-wife and my daughter's presumed future yeah and my presumed future is being being a part of my daughter's life ah and yeah a couple you people who met me face to face you know me and you've been complete about this and I'll never forget be straight with you yeah I'm not gonna name who you are but sure you know um some of you guys could have shown a little bit of sensitivity a little bit of human decency you could have expressed questions as questions instead of as accusations and you didn't you made asses out of yourselves and the relationship between us will will never be the same